[X&Y] Are You Rejecting Women You Actually Like?
Published: Sun, 08/31/08
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IN THIS EDITION: Were a woman to flatly reject you when you
approached her, how would that affect you? Could it be possible
that you are rejecting women--even ones you actually like--without
even realizing you are doing it?
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That pre-launch bonus is a REAL GOOD ONE, and it's not coming back,
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ARE YOU REJECTING WOMEN YOU ACTUALLY LIKE...WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT?
In the aviation world, that relatively brief time when the plane is
descending to its destination is generally called "approach". The
time right after you take off is called "departure".
Well, in the world of relating to women, we've got something called
the "approach" also, of course. With it often comes "approach
anxiety".
But did you know that women actually experience what could be
considered the mirror image of approach anxiety?
Call it "departure anxiety".
And YOU could be causing women to feel this all the time--probably
without even realizing it's going on.
This weekend, a guy flew here to San Antonio for the Ten-Plus Live
experience. As always, it was an intense 36 hours or so.
Now like so many readers of this newsletter are, my friend who came
to visit is not exactly a "basket case" when it comes to women. In
fact, he's already pretty good with women.
What sets him apart is that he is interested in going from GOOD to
GREAT with women.
He wanted to tighten up his already solid day game, and with it his
ability to approach any woman he wanted to...regardless of location.
So one of the things we did was go to a few men's stores to see if
we could sharpen up our style as well as our game.
In one such store we went in, we invited gal named Jackie Jo to
help us. Jackie Jo was one of those amazing women who is uniquely
beautiful on the outside, and even more so AFTER you start talking
to her.
She was one of those gems who proves to skeptics that there really
still are feminine women with good character in North America.
She was proper, tasteful and professional.
I had my friend introduce himself and do what it took to build a
conversation and start igniting femininity.
Within a half-minute, Jackie Jo was laughing, touching his arm and
holding shirts up to him to see how they look...nodding her approval.
"OK, well I've got to go", my friend said.
"Um...bye. You guys have a nice day", she said in a mellifluous,
feminine tone that can only be described as "radio voice".
She looked like she was waving goodbye to a loved one who was going
off to war.
Next it was off to a massive, two story Border's bookstore. We
identified a very cute brunette perusing the audiobook section.
After some pre-game conversation on the matter, my friend
introduced himself. He did everything right.
The woman was enchanted, even leaning in to be closer to him when he
was helping her find what she was looking for.
Amazingly, another guy who had been lurking around had rolled his
eyes and slipped away from the scene shaking his head shortly after
my friend approached the woman.
Clearly he had been gathering his nerve to do the same, but had
failed to deploy.
And my friend was Murphy's Law to that guy.
The bright-eyed woman was already loving every minute of the
interaction.
"Alright, well...I need to get back to my friends", my friend said.
I saw a bewildered look on the woman's face as he walked away.
I also couldn't help but think maybe somebody should go find the
other guy and tell him he still had a chance.
Now my friend was flying out the next day, of course, so he wasn't
about to position himself for some sort of long-term relationship
or something.
But he was really starting to get the hang of initiating
conversations with women and igniting femininity.
So much so that I recommended he start telling these women that he
was from out of town at the end of his conversations with them, and
getting their Facebook IDs so they would at least know he approved
of them.
Later on last night (or earlier this morning, really), the true
gravitas of what was repeatedly occurring before our very eyes
culminated in an interaction my friend had with yet another woman I
suggested he talk to right before the club we were at closed.
It was 1:55 am, and my friend by now had made massive progress.
There had been virtually zero negative experiences all weekend with
women, and he had dropped all the "openers" and was simply walking
up to women and introducing himself to them.
This last woman, however, blew the lid off.
Up walks my friend, and within thirty seconds you would have
thought he'd dropped an M-80 in her Coors Light. Her femininity
had been ignited like a Roman candle almost immediately.
Her smiling gave way to glowing. Her light kino gave way to
bringing her friend into the conversation and clearly hinting at a
threesome.
I promise I am not making this up. And it was 1:59 am when I
looked at my watch at this point. All of four minutes had passed.
The club's house lights went on.
My friend hadn't really selected these women, remember. It had
been my suggestion that he work in one more interaction before the
night was done.
And hey, he had an early flight in the morning. Frankly, he was
more interested in breaking down the entire Ten-Plus Live experience
over "breakfast" next than taking these two women to his hotel
anyway.
He wished the women well, and as soon as he had safely turned his
back they BOTH literally held out their arms as if to say "Don't
LEAVE us!". One even mouthed the word, "Noooo!" as she did so.
Outrageous.
My first thought upon getting the story after the fact was, "OK,
one very good reason to go ahead and approach a woman is because
you never know when one may have just broken up with a boyfriend
and is ready for instant 'revenge sex'."
That's right.
The first woman had just been dumped by her boyfriend earlier in
the night, and her friend had been cool enough to go get her and
take her out for a drink before the bars closed. You know, to take
her mind off things.
I'd seen enough.
I told my friend that no matter what, forevermore, when he meets a
woman he's got to give her some sign of approval at the end of a
positive interaction with her.
Whether it's the bookstore or a club, once you approach a woman--and
she likes you--YOU ARE IN CONTROL.
You are THE MAN IN DEMAND.
Essentially, if you express enough initial interest in a woman to
approach her, things go well, and then you DON'T DO ANYTHING TO
FURTHER THE CONVERSATION at the end, guess what?
She FEELS REJECTED.
Think of it as "Departure Anxiety", like I said.
It causes the EXACT SAME FEELING you get when a woman rejects you.
Let's say you approach, and she ACTUALLY LIKES YOU. Hey, women
really, truly WANT TO MEET A GREAT GUY as much as you want to meet
a great woman.
It's not like you're inconveniencing her or something by being a
great guy who showed up and made her feel like a woman.
But I think some of us guys get to the "tipping point" in such
conversations and we FAIL TO DEPLOY.
And I'd say that doing so at that point is probably more damaging
than failing to deploy before even approaching.
How's that?
Well, at least the guy who walked away shaking his head at Borders
never got around to making a woman feel rejected.
When you end the conversation flatly, she goes and looks herself in
the mirror wondering what in the world she could have possibly done
to mess things up for herself.
It's true.
Guys, if you approach a woman and she actually appears to enjoy the
conversation, is laughing and enjoying herself, and actively
participating in the conversation, LET HER KNOW you liked talking
to her.
AND...give her the chance to continue that conversation with you.
Yeah, I know that's right where the "chips are down" and it's easy
to flake out due to a last-second bout with "rejection avoidance".
But I promise she hasn't been toying with you. Get her number.
Get her e-mail. Get her Facebook ID. Whatever.
And when you get that information, USE IT. Don't stare at the
phone and wuss out when it's time to call.
Anytime you choose not to continue an apparently enjoyable
conversation, the WOMAN will FEEL REJECTED--even as your last
thought was to AVOID REJECTION yourself.
Seriously, "rejection" is not a gender-specific feeling.
And if you're not going to want to make friends with her if you
like her, DON'T APPROACH HER to begin with.
Either that, or tell her the valid reason why you won't. (e.g.
You're leaving town tomorrow and were simply enjoying the
conversation with her, etc.)
If you've watched the videos on the web site for The Leading Man,
you discovered that relationship management starts THE VERY SECOND
you meet a woman.
If you haven't seen it, here's that link one more time:
http://www.the-leading-man.com/subscribers
The tone of how a relationship is going to go with a particular
woman is set from the VERY MOMENT you begin to interact with her.
If you've shown initiative and leadership while making her feel
comfortable and casual in your presence, she's probably loving it.
When you make a bold move to continue the interaction, she is left
to EXPECT that you will CONTINUE demonstrating that you're a man of
character who does what he says he'll do.
It's the RIGHT WAY to build a solid first impression with a woman.
But the key is that you've got to LEAD. You've got to follow
through when you approach, and again when it's time to get in touch
later.
Otherwise, "departure anxiety" leaves her wondering what she did
wrong...when it might have been nothing.
Be Good,
Scot
P.S. By the way, Ten-Plus Live programs available on a very
limited basis. They are customized according to your specific
needs and satisfaction is guaranteed. For more information or to
schedule yours, e-mail me at scot@deservewhatyouwant.com.
P.P.S. Want Emily's take on this sort of thing? If so, you're in
luck. You can get in on her newsletter and hear what she tells the
women about it in her very next newsletter. Send a blank e-mail to
emily@aweber.com and you're in.
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