[X&Y] Double-Standard Chick...Maybe You've Met Her?
Published: Mon, 11/24/08
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IN THIS EDITION: Have you ever been in a relationship with a woman
and felt this nagging feeling that, well...you were being nagged?
Worse, did you feel like you were being held accountable in a way
that she apparently felt immune to? What's wrong with this
picture? Find out below...
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DOUBLE-STANDARD CHICK...MAYBE YOU'VE MET HER?
Let's talk about someone who deserves to be covered in WAY more
detail than I've ever shared before.
It's clearly time to do so, because I'm getting more and more
e-mails from guys who are going on dates with her--often leading to
long-term relationships with her.
I'm referring, of course, to the infamous "double-standard chick".
On the surface, she's probably beautiful, intelligent and possibly
even fun to be with.
But after only a short time of hanging out with her, you start to
realize that something doesn't feel right.
Essentially, you feel like she's got rights and privileges that you
aren't free to reserve for yourself.
Worse, you feel as if you'd be either selfish or flat-out
ridiculous were you to make an issue of it in any way.
For example, she is disappointed, hurt or even straight-up angry
when you even so much as glance at another woman at the mall.
Whether you actually did so or not is unimportant. She believes
you did, so you'd better stop it.
Meanwhile, she has quite a number of guys in her life who are "just
really, really, really good friends". When they show up, they hug
her, banter with her and behave in a manner that you are all but
sure is flirting.
And sure enough, she hits them on the shoulder and giggles in
return.
Sometimes, she even hangs out with them...as in on a "1-on-1 basis".
They get sushi. Study together. Get a few drinks.
And sometimes she sort of gets too tired to drive home, so she
crashes at his place...on the couch, of course.
That's all okay, though, because he's "like a big brother" to her.
Do you say anything when this goes on?
Probably not. After all, that would make you appear insecure.
You'd look like you were threatened.
And that's not very masculine. You've been taught that being
"needy" is a bad idea. So you back off.
But the fact remains that you know if you were to hang out with
other women like that, she WOULDN'T put up with it.
So how does she get away with this?
Simply put, she's got a DOUBLE-STANDARD working.
And YOU, my good man, have BOUGHT INTO it.
The programming goes something like this:
Step One: Believe all men are dogs, only want one thing, and
therefore are untrustworthy.
Step Two: Believe that women, on the other hand, are the ones who
are universally committed to faithful relationships and monogamy.
All they want is "Mr. Right".
Step Three: Women are givers of life and nurturers, whereas men
are the ones responsible for wars and strife. So if there's a
problem, it's the guy's fault...
Step Four: ...and WHEN there's a problem, the guy's response is
expected to be one of aggression and oppression toward the more
passive woman, who is in danger of being physically and/or
emotionally abused at any given moment.
So the end result of such programming is that a woman considers
herself inherently trustworthy. She knows SHE wouldn't cheat or
anything.
Meanwhile, however, since you are a guy, what are understood to be
YOUR "inherent" traits must be kept under lock and key.
"But wait a second," you ask, "all I really want is a great
girlfriend. And even if I am dating more than one woman, I'm
honest and respectful about it. And hey, it's not like I've
started any wars lately. I've never even been in a fistfight."
"Besides," you say, "every time I've ever seen an episode of
'Cheaters' there's as many women on there running around as men."
Indeed.
So how did this happen?
Moreover, how is it that we as guys can watch ourselves getting
"pwned" right before our very eyes, yet we feel much more
comfortable pretending it "isn't what it looks like" rather than
standing up to the "double-standard"?
And why do we feel compelled to tell her to "have fun" with a wave
and a smile when she goes out with her friends to a bar or
club--looking hotter than we've seen her in weeks--when we're loaded
down with guilt if we go to the sports bar on a Saturday afternoon
to watch the game and have a beer or two with the guys?
Here it is: You've ALLOWED YOURSELF to take on the archetypal
guilt of every other guy before you who allegedly acted like an I/J
(Idiot/Jerk).
In other words, you believe women are the "oppressed" race, and
that you are part of the social group who is historically
responsible for the "oppression".
So you walk on eggshells.
After all, you most certainly want to be part of the solution
rather than the problem.
You want to correct millennia of errant behavior on the part of men
everywhere--all the way from dragging women into the cave by their
hair to paying them less per hour compared to men for the same type
of work.
You might even subconsciously feel it's incumbent upon you to make
"restitution", as preposterous as that sounds when printed in black
and white.
And "Double-Standard Chick"? She's more than happy to allow you to
take that on.
In fact, even years into a long-term relationship when guys are
getting nagged a lot, it's often because of unresolved
"double-standard" issues.
Well, either that or she's doing all the housework.
So let's talk some sense here for a second.
First of all, consider that there are quite a few women who are
reading this newsletter. They're definitely out there, and they
read because they like hearing what I tell you guys about how to be
a great man.
But some have taken the bait regarding the concept I'm talking
about here also. In fact, in many cases it's hook, line and sinker.
So I'll likely get a smattering of angry e-mails from a few of them.
They'll write me and accuse me of being negative toward women
simply because I'm attempting to debunk the "double-standard".
The truth, however, is that I'm exhorting a more positive
representation of one another by BOTH MEN AND WOMEN.
Know this, gentlemen: Not EVERY woman subscribes to the
"double-standard".
Some believe that great men of character--like you--exist. They'd
rather avoid negative influences in their life, think the best of a
great man who comes along, and focus on having a healthy
relationship.
This means that if you are indeed that "Big Four" guy (masculine,
confident, ability to inspire safety/security, high-character) you
should EXPECT that such a woman will respond positively to you.
After all, you will share mutual respect and have each other's best
interests at heart.
Sound too good to be true?
If so, your reality needs an overhaul.
When you BUY IN to the "all male behavior is bad behavior" concept,
you begin very quickly to feel actual, raw SHAME over simply being
male.
This is particularly messed up because WOMEN LOVE MEN.
So even as you begin to "camouflage" your masculinity out of shame
for all the "bad stuff" men have done to women over the years, you
become LESS ATTRACTIVE.
And "Double-Standard Chick"?
She simply becomes even more annoyed by you, leading to what? You
guessed it...a greater feeling of freedom towards treating you with
disrespect.
A caveat here.
"Double-Standard Chick" may indeed be quite a gifted manipulator.
But then again, she may be a perfectly well-meaning woman who
happens to have been subject to the SAME faulty programming as YOU.
So the ultimate irony? Even those women who are beholden to the
"double-standard" aren't always particularly thrilled about it.
If you think about it, that makes the whole thing even more
messed-up than previously thought.
Whoa. So what does all this mean?
It means that you DO have the right to consider yourself a REAL MAN
and not the living perpetuation of "caveman culture".
Therefore, it ALSO means that you need not passively endure the
"double standard".
ULTIMATELY, it means that YOU must LEAD. You must stand up, speak
on behalf of mutual respect--by name--and announce that your
intention is to respect women and enjoy the company of those who
respect you in return.
And if that's not part of her plan, you wish her well.
Sound almost too easy?
Perhaps.
But the key here is to remember, as I alluded to, that some women
who live by the "double-standard" are actually disgusted by it
nonetheless.
Seriously. You should see the e-mails from women we get who expect
the worst of guys, only to get annoyed when they act "nice"
thinking it's simply an indicator of a more covert form of "bad
behavior".
Usually, the guys they write about were tiptoeing around trying not
to hurt the woman's feelings...not wanting to be the "oppressor".
Not always, of course, but usually.
Now listen, I'm not about to make some Pollyannaish assertion that
everyone on Earth is an angel.
I fully get that there are indeed bona-fide I/Js out there. And by
the way, guys, they're giving great men like you a BAD NAME.
And similarly, there are women who mean well and those who do not.
No matter whether you are a man or a woman, you must DESERVE WHAT
YOU WANT.
If you want to be respected; if you want someone of high character
in your life, then you MUST kill the "double-standard" programming
and expect the best from MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex).
I'm convinced that this is one of the MOST URGENT needs we as men
have when it comes to taking back our dating lives and becoming an
effective relationship manager.
That's one of the key reasons why The Leading Man is such a
mission-critical program that every man should study very closely.
Women crave a man who can rise above social programming with the
kind of character that inspires her confidences. They are looking
for a man who knows how to LEAD a relationship.
The Leading Man contains over TWELVE HOURS of direct,
no-holds-barred instruction on how exactly to BE THAT MAN.
Handle crises. Resolve conflict. Earn respect...without
"oppressing" anyone, for sure.
It's all there...and much, much more. Find out more here:
http://www.the-leading-man.com/subscribers
Right now, you can get 35% off with a coupon code that I've
embedded into the order page. Nothing to remember, no wires to
cross.
Also, since I know that you may have very specific issues you're
uniquely facing, I've also made it possible for you to get a
personal consultation with me for a similar discount.
But this will not last forever, as my schedule will fill up
quickly. If you've been considering The Leading Man, the time to
pull the trigger is NOW.
http://www.the-leading-man.com/subscribers
Of course, you'll also be able to grab that brand new Power Session
program on how to understand and relate to different types of
women.
That, along with UNLIMITED E-MAIL COACHING (yes, you read that
correctly) is part of what Power Sessions is all about, and the
first month is on me.
You can cancel anytime, but most don't. There's just too much value
there--especially with TWO EXTRA BONUSES coming within the next couple
of weeks alone.
So just say no to the "double-standard" guys, and start doing what
it takes to make the world safe for solid, respectful relationships
between men and women again. The Leading Man is your complete
toolkit for doing exactly that.
Basically, what it all boils down to in the "real world" is this:
If she's treating you like you're her ornery big brother, feel free
to treat her like your bratty little-sister. That's called
"flirting". Let's start having fun again, as it should be.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. Once again, I'm reminded to invite you to join Emily's
newsletter. If hearing her talk every bit as frankly about us guys
as I do about women is compelling to you, send a blank e-mail to
emily@aweber.com.
Just yesterday she explained approach anxiety to women, and I
promise you would have stood up and cheered. If every woman read
that particular newsletter this world would be a far better place.
It was killer.
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