[X&Y] What If Her Friend Is A Real Troublemaker?
Published: Thu, 12/04/08
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IN THIS EDITION: Last time we covered how to handle serious
challenges from other guys.
But what if the serious challenge comes from HER FRIEND?
That one can leave you standing there speechless if you let
it...which
you WON'T ever again after reading what follows.
Stop getting "pwned" by her friends...here's how.
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ARE YOU ON TWITTER?
You've already heard me mention Twitter in passing on this very
newsletter and in podcasts.
I don't know exactly what happened, but just within the past few
days--literally--it seems like Twitter has EXPLODED.
All of the sudden I've been getting all sorts of messages from
friends who are REALLY excited about it.
I have to admit, I used to be the biggest skeptic. But now I'm
convinced that Twitter is the Next Big Thing.
Basically, it's a social networking site where you stay in touch
with friends by sending 140-character messages to one or all of
them at once. It's sort of a cross between blogging and e-mailing,
all packaged in a way that keeps things VERY fast paced.
If you're on already, be sure to add me @scotmckay. If not, you've
got to go to twitter.com and see this for yourself. No worries,
it's as easy as dirt and f-r-e-e to use.
Add (or "follow") me and I'll return the favor--automatically,
actually.
I'll be sending out cool or otherwise useful info your way when you
least expect it...which is exactly why Twitter is so killer.
And hey, it's also a cool way to see the lighter side of some people
you may know out there, and interact with them directly.
Here's the link to add me as your friend:
http://www.twitter.com/scotmckay
No guy should be without this app. Get in now and you may still be
able to snag your name as your Twitter handle.
You'll thank me for this sooner than later. And yes...I'm already
working on how to achieve killer "Twitter Game". Look for something
soon...and REMEMBER you heard the concept talked about here first.
So I'll see you in the Twitter-sphere.
And now, let's talk about something that's arguably even more
challenging to deal with than what we talked about last time.
Here's what Jeff in Tulsa has to say...
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
Hi Scot,
This is my first time consulting you for coaching. I had been
thinking about it for awhile and never really knew what to ask.
Well...I really screwed up yesterday.
So, here is situation (I will try to be brief and descriptive).
I have been dating this woman (Jeannette) for about four months
now. Things have been going great and moving along nicely. I
consider her a quality woman and we both are really into each
other.
We both went to Oklahoma City separately for the holiday. We have
not met each other's family yet, but were planning on meeting
sometime to hang out while down there.
I met her at her friend Michelle's house to hang out for a little
while. This was my first time meeting any of her friends (she has
not met any of my friends yet).
We were getting along pretty well but then she makes a comment
about when they went to a strip club about a month ago and says to
Jeannette, "Yeah you had sex that night."
Well, that wasn't with me if she did. Jeannette has been telling
me that she has been monogamous with me for at least two months
now. We are not exclusive yet but were heading that way probably
within the next couple weeks.
I was a little shocked that Michelle said that and the only thing
running through my mind was, "why did she say that?"
I let the comment go and didn't say anything, after all I just met
the girl fifteen minutes earlier. I left soon after and we agreed
to meet back up later that evening to go out.
We met up later with Michelle and Jeannette's friend Todd. Things
were going good except Michelle kept trying instigate stuff with
Jeannette.
She kept saying several times through out the night "Lets go to the
strip club." She said this at least fifty times just trying to
annoy Jeannette (or possibly me, I don't know).
We were chatting and out of nowhere Michelle mentions some guy and
says that he has the biggest crush on Jeannette.
She said it at least three times, and then throws in that he wants
to leave his wife for Jeannette along with a "Didn't you go out with
him the other day?"
I am playing it cool and don't react because I didn't feel
threatened. Jeannette responded back with, "Yeah right, you're so
full of it and even if he did I am so not interested in him."
Michelle did a few other annoying things but I won't bother you
with those.
When it was time to leave, we walked out to the car. Jeannette had
driven and so I had expected to sit up front with Jeannette but to
my surprise Michelle helped herself to my spot (she didn't ride up
with us).
I asked her to sit in the back she said "no" and acted like a
brat...she would not move even after Jeannette asked her to move.
Well...I kinda lost it and slammed the passenger door shut. Hopped
in the back and proceeded to call Michelle rude and a spoiled brat
in a not-so-nice tone of voice.
Needless to say it was a very unpleasant drive back, a very tense
atmosphere.
I told Jeannette when we got back that I was just going to take
off. I was already seriously mad and would have made things worse
had I stayed.
We get to the house and get out of the car. Jeannette comes over
to talk to me and I blurt out, "your friend is a rude, obnoxious
[insert ultimate insult to a woman here]."
Yeah, I used [that word] (and I know you don't call girls that no
matter how deserving they are of it) and took off. Like that
didn't make matters worse.
As you can imagine Jeannette is very upset, Michelle just happens
to be her BFF from high school and she considers her a sister,
basically.
I called Jeannette the next morning and tried to work this out.
Turns out meeting her friends was a much bigger deal than I
realized it was.
I was the first guy in three years (since her divorce) she has
dated and introduced to her inner circle of friends.
Another tidbit I didn't know was that her ex-husband always made
huge scenes around her friends and was not allowed to hang out with
them.
So this was a big thing for Jeannette to work up to...and I failed to
lead and I failed her.
This was VERY out of character for me. I have never done anything
like that.
I get along with 99% of people I meet. I just don't know what
happened and now I fear that I may have lost Jeannette.
So, I am stuck in the "what do I do next" zone? I did apologize to
Jeannette for my behavior.
Reading back over this I keep thinking to myself, "How did I not
see this?"
Please help...
Jeff (Tulsa, OK)
=====
Hey, Jeff.
Wow, tough going there, man. The AMOG in this case was her BFF.
And this is somewhat different than a "c-blocking" situation, where
a woman's friend steps in to play "keep away" when you're trying to
meet a woman you don't yet know.
Even though most of us as guys have endured similar (and equally
tedious) episodes in our lives, that doesn't make it any easier to
take when it happens.
Fortunately, this one's easy to diagnose so let's cut to the chase.
Clearly Michelle is jealous of your relationship.
And were I in your position, I would not have put up with the catty
behavior, straight up.
Getting that job done is a sticky situation for sure, and there are
no universally "right" answers here.
How exactly to execute depends on the woman's personality and the
particular social dynamics of the situation.
For example, were Michelle and Jeannette having a "tiff" under the
surface there that you didn't know about?
But one thing's for sure: the longer you passively tolerate
obnoxious behavior, the more you're giving her permission to bring
it on.
And things only get worse from there.
The way to lead, which you duly noted as the most promising course
of action, would likely have been first of all to pull Jeannette
aside, express to her that the two of you don't have to tolerate
such disrespect, and to encourage her to stand up to her friend.
You may serve notice that Michelle doesn't seem like a very good
friend to Jeannette, acting so immature and jealous.
Remember, this is HER friend we're talking about here, so having
them solve their own "issues" between themselves is the first and
best option.
After all, this probably IS between the two of them, ultimately.
You really hadn't given Michelle time to have deeply-rooted
resentment toward you yet, right?
But if Jeannette chickens out or is ineffective at smoothing things
over, assuming you agreed to enact a solution, you're going to have
to do something yourself.
Again, depending on whether Michelle appeared to have any sense of
humor or not, you may ask her in a good-natured tone if she would
like some help finding a high-quality man of her own so she
wouldn't feel the need to appear so jealous.
The first tool in the box to reach for in these awkward situations
is always to address the issue directly, but with an element of
humor and a decidedly casual tone.
On the other hand, if she was completely surly and unreasonable--or
if the issue persisted after serving notice that she was acting
inappropriately--I would have then taken Jeannette by the hand and
announced that you foresee a much better use of your time together
for the evening than sticking around.
One of the concerns that causes us as guys to tend to ignore these
situations and try to pretend they're not happening is that we fear
we're going to agitate the "friend" enough that her misbehavior
gets redirected as vitriol towards us directly.
As much of a bummer as it sounds like on the surface, that may have
actually been preferable to what you had to endure.
Having a jealous friend flat-out hate on you is much easier to deal
with than this passive-aggressive stuff.
By the way, Jeannette knows what she's got there in Michelle.
Women are intuitive, and Jeannette knows what the deal is. What we
often overlook is that when we find someone hard to get along with,
others often feel exactly the same way--even if it goes unsaid.
Ultimately, Jeannette probably won't blame you for your reaction as
much as you think, as it was sort of natural.
Make no mistake, though. You could have handled it TONS better.
But by now she knows you well enough to realize how easy you are
for most people to get along with and how difficult it is to
unsettle you under typical circumstances.
Still, you did well to apologize (as opposed to BEING "sorry"). As
we've mentioned before, a great way to lead here would be to
acknowledge what you would do if you had the chance over again.
Contrary to what some guys believe, sticking your head in the sand
and pretending stuff never happened is NOT leadership, and
certainly isn't a hallmark of having personal power in a
relationship.
The Leading Man knows when he messed up, and his character compels
him to make it right. That's not "weakness", it's strength.
I do have a bit of 20/20 hindsight for you here that you can easily
transform into 20/20 foresight in the future.
Next time, make sure YOU drive.
The one with the keys is the one with the decision making power
with regard to when to stay and when it's time to go.
Plus, you're ALWAYS in the driver's seat--literally. ALWAYS remember
that. And ALWAYS be in control when you're in a situation with
multiple women.
Finally, I'm sure there's a nagging question as to whether any of
what Michelle said was true. Especially the part about the strip
club and "having sex that night", since you didn't mention anything
in your message about Jeannette denying that happened.
My educated guess is that Jeannette would bring up the parts that
were not true on her own later if not right then and there, taking
the initiative to make sure you didn't believe negative assertions
about her.
If she doesn't bring it up at all though, it doesn't necessarily
mean she's guilty as charged. She may just want to forget about it.
But it doesn't look good for her to stay silent, does it?
You're going to have to own up to the fact that even though she
SAID she was being "monogamous", you haven't exactly LED in that
direction just yet.
You mentioned that exclusivity is as yet a "future" in your
relationship. So you can't expect Jeannette to befaithful to you if
you aren't making that commitment to her yet.
Yeah, if the story Michelle brought up IS true, that would mean
that Jeannette was less than truthful. That's not excusable. But
then again, have you encouraged "full disclosure" here as
pertaining to "non-exclusivity"? My guess is probably not.
Ultimately, the two of you must be able to trust each other and
have got to be able to think the best of each other.
You've also got to decide RIGHT NOW that third-party accusations will
not affect your standing with someone you know...whoever that may be,
girlfriend or otherwise.
You balance all of that, of course, with sober judgment. If there
are clear, first-hand warning signs, you've got to be man enough to
see those for what they are also and proceed accordingly.
Best wishes to you on this one, man. You've encountered one of the
toughest scenarios we as guys can be faced with.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
=====
By now you're well aware that no matter HOW MANY "situations" with
women you work through in your mind and plan in advance for,
something is ALMOST SURELY to come up sometime and throw you a
serious curve.
You can see how learning a bunch of quick tips and "techniques" can
only get you so far. You just can't be left fumbling through the
manual when the chips are down in complex situations like the one
above, can you?
That's exactly why we talk about the FOUNDATIONS of being a man who
is masculine, confident, able to inspire security and who has
strong character.
Taking the time to fine-tune those "Big Four" factors doesn't
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pickup tactics.
But the rewards are much greater.
This week, I'm going to give you a chance to build exactly that
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Right now, you can get ALL FOUR of my books for the price of two.
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Have a great weekend, gentlemen. And I'll talk to you again soon.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
=====
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