[X&Y] When To CANCEL A Date..And How To Do It
Published: Thu, 02/19/09
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IN THIS EDITION: Getting a date is one thing. Knowing WHEN and
WHY to cancel one you already have set is another. Here are eight
ideas to guide the way...
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PASSIONATE LOVER, PASSIONATE LIFE
Alex Allman probably needs no introduction. For two years now, he
has been a great friend and basically the "go-to" guy around here
when it comes to sex advice and training.
And to be honest, you have responded more powerfully to Alex's
material than to that of anyone else we work with.
Typically, you tell me it's as if Alex is the "sex advice division
of X & Y Communications". His work just seems to mesh so well with
ours.
Seriously, Alex is THE most down-to-earth guy when it comes to
teaching this stuff that I have ever met.
He's neither on some "sex positive" agenda nor sterile and clinical
about what he does. He's all about respecting women and respect of
self also.
So when Alex calls me and tells me he's got something brand new in
the works, I'm all ears. And I'm going to be sure to share it with
YOU too:
http://www.revolutionarysex.com/cmd.php?Clk=2848489
That's Alex's all-new website on how to create MORE PASSION in your
life...and also how to get a great woman to join you in that worthy
endeavor.
We just did a Power Session program last month on "Ambition,
Motivation and Passion That Attracts" so the timing on this is
perfect.
Give it a look.
And now, here's everything you need to know about HOW and WHEN to
cancel a date...
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WHEN TO CANCEL A DATE, AND HOW TO DO IT
If you've been reading this newsletter for a while now, you know
that we tend to move freely between the philosophical and the
practical around here. Well, today's edition is going to be
decidedly practical.
In fact, what I'm about to share with you is something that EVERY
MAN should know: WHEN to call off a date you've already set up
with a woman, and exactly how to go about it.
Honestly, I'm a bit surprised that literally NOBODY ever has
covered this subject in the world of men's dating and seduction
advice, at least as far as I've seen.
Then again, there's so much focus on actually GETTING a date if
you're NOT seeing much action that I can see how that skill remains
the priority.
But hey, if you're about going from GOOD to GREAT with women, and
if you're about becoming the CHOOSER rather than the CHASER, then
you're going to have to get your "cancellation skills" in order here.
So enough of an intro. What follows are EIGHT GOOD REASONS to
cancel a date with a woman, and what to do in each situation. Get
your sense of humor on, because here we go:
1) She Already Sort Of Makes You Mad
I have no idea why we as guys do this to ourselves. Oh wait...yes I
do. She's hot.
But dude, if you already find your blood beginning to boil during
simple phone conversations with her, it isn't going to go any
better in person.
The same holds true if she flat-out irritates you in some way. It
could be her laugh, her political views or that way she friggin'
interrupts you constantly or tries to lecture you on what you
already know how to do in your sleep.
Maybe it's that generally speaking, she's generally speaking.
No matter WHAT it is, here's the deal: If you don't get along, why
go through with the date?
Simply call out the gorilla in the room: You're sure she's a "great
person" or something, but the two of you just seem to be missing each
other.
Be the man here and save her the (further) discomfort of bringing
it up herself.
2) You're Already Bored
Another thing that can happen when we finally set up a first
meeting with a particularly hot woman is that we COMPLETELY
OVERLOOK the fact that she has the personality of a paper clip.
Let's face it, if you're dreading the date more than you're excited
about it--primarily because you're 100% sure the conversation is
going to be awkward, at best--it's time to grow some self-respect
and cancel the date.
The same M.O. as above holds true here. Tell her she's very
"nice", but that you don't think the two of you are a match.
She'll be much happier with a guy who's conversation enraptures her
a bit more than yours.
Yeah, this is a variation on the "it's not you, it's me" concept,
but it's also probably true.
Just about every tedious person I know eventually finds someone with
whom he or she gets along perfectly. How or why that's possible,
who knows?
Chalk it up to the uniqueness of individuals and what makes them
happy.
And by all means, if the fact you've even PLANNED the date a few
days ago has slipped your mind until you look at your schedule...do
the right thing. Free the woman up to go out with someone who cares.
3) Signs Of Games, Potential Flakiness, Or Getting Played
If this one doesn't get to the very heart of "self-respect", I
don't know what does. It's no secret that women "test" you.
Especially particularly hot ones.
But as a "selector" who is in total control of his dating life,
you've got to draw the line on where "testing" turns into blatant
game playing or even flat-out manipulation.
For example, if she calls you at 3 in the afternoon on the day you
are allegedly supposed to take her out that night and says, "Oh,
hey...I can't make it. How about some other time?" then she'd better
have brought an excuse along.
And it had better be a REAL GOOD one, along the lines of #6 or #7
below.
If you want to be the leader in this situation, again call it as
you see it. If the excuse is legit, DO GIVE HER A CHANCE.
I realize some may tell you to cut her off right then and there,
but in my mind to do that smacks of personal insecurity. Think
about it.
Sometimes stuff really does come up, and you have to respect that.
Believe it or not, Emily actually canceled our first date together.
And obviously things worked out pretty well when we rescheduled.
But if she's just running lame "flake out" game on you, tell her
it's all good...you suddenly agree that BOTH OF YOU have better
things to do.
If you find yourself uttering these words, here's a caveat: This
will likely fry her circuits and give her a fresh dose of amped up
attraction for you.
Forget it.
The die has been cast with regard to what you can expect from her in
the future.
Here's a dime. Find a more mature woman to date instead of a
little girl. You don't have to tell her I said that...exactly.
4) You've Never Seen More Than One Pic Of Her, Or Have Never
Talked On The Phone
This is for you guys out there who are online. One pic on her
profile isn't going to cut it. Ask for more.
If she's offended you would ask, let that be a red flag. If she
won't talk to you on the phone before meeting you, let that be
another.
And as you know by now, red flags do not a pleasant dating experience
make.
By the way, the same holds true if a "blind date" is in the works.
You won't be offending the friend who set the two of you up if you
ask for the pics and the phone number ahead of time. Really.
If you don't get any joy here, explain that you simply cannot
commit your time and energy to meeting her if she is unwilling to
commit the time and energy to assure you there's a possibility of
mutual interest.
Period.
For most guys, exactly one disastrous result of having overlooked
these details in favor of misplaced optimism is enough for the
lesson at hand to be learned. I'm trying to save you from having
to learn it the hard way.
5) The "Set Up"
It goes like this. You've taken the lead by suggesting a certain
game plan for your time together. She appreciates that and seems
excited to join you.
Then you get a call. No wait, make that an email or a text.
It invariably starts with "Hey..."
"Hey...is it okay if my sister tags along? She's really feeling down
and hasn't been out in a while."
If you say "yes" to this, you may as well have agreed to her
bringing a posse of bodyguards, a couple of blue-haired chaperones
and a rocket scientist along too.
Chances are you probably have not succeeded at creating COMFORT and
SECURITY here ahead of time.
Step back and regroup. Have you suggested a public meeting place
or taking separate cars if the two of you barely know each other?
If not, tell her you'd prefer being able to give her your undivided
attention.
Then let her know you want her to feel comfortable with the
meeting, so you're changing the venue to a place where there will
be plenty of other people around...if not her sister, per se.
Another variation to watch out for her is when SHE suggests a venue
change at the last minute.
For example, you had arranged to meet at a Thai restaurant.
Thirty minutes beforehand, she calls and suggests you meet at
Morton's Steak House instead.
I don't think so. And neither should you. Once you set the
precedent of falling for that, your relationship with her is about
to get REALLY pricey...and REALLY platonic, too.
6) One Or The Other Of You Is Feeling Sick
Now we get to the "legit" portion of the discussion.
Certainly, there's varying degrees of "sick". If you have a
headache, wolf down some ibuprofen and plan on it working. After
all, having to call off a date you're genuinely psyched about is a
major bummer.
But look man, if you're hurling up your insides and/or sneezing
your sinuses into submission, you're just going to have to face up
to reality.
And that reality is this: If you're physical state is going to
cause MORE HARM to the attraction process and/or to the
relationship itself than getting a rain check, then you've GOT to
reschedule.
Make the decision and run with it. If you need to postpone the
date, then call her and FIRMLY RESCHEDULE it then and there.
Suggest a time to her and preferably make it at the same place.
If you get pushback from a skeptical woman, state VERY CLEARLY that
this is no joke. You are genuinely looking forward to hanging out
with her, but it's going to have to be after you've kicked whatever
is ailing you.
Now if SHE'S the one calling you to announce that she has fallen
ill, simply apply the logic in reverse.
If she's seriously not feeling well, she'll be profusely apologetic
and offer a time to reschedule. That's what you'll be looking for
in that conversation.
If she's unwilling to reschedule, it's probably a cop-out. Either
that or she's already on her way to the hospital and losing
consciousness.
7) Genuine Priority Adjustment
We've all seen it happen. You have a great date planned with a
woman you've had your eye on for WEEKS...but Murphy has other plans.
I remember one time in college I finally figured out how to strike
up a conversation with a girl named Gwen, who I only saw maybe once
or twice a week...max. She agreed to play racquetball with me the
following night.
Completely stoked about that for the next eighteen hours, I went to
my afternoon class...where the professor casually reminded us the
MID-TERM EXAM was the next day.
I had to cancel the date. And unfortunately, the date never ended
up happening.
But I aced my class. And I graduated from college and got a job
afterward.
Hopefully, if something comes up that represents a higher priority
than going on a date, you'll be better at rescheduling with a firm
time and place than I was.
And make no mistake, there are LOTS of possibilities when it's time
to list what's probably more important than going on a date.
Unexpected business trips, family emergencies, playoff tickets...
8) Gut Feeling, Backed By Genuine Evidence Of Any Sort
Sometimes you just KNOW something isn't right, but you can't quite
put your finger on it.
Women in particular are REALLY GOOD at intuiting when they'd better
not go through with a date.
Usually it's because they just feel a bit creeped out. Maybe the
guy seems as if he could get sexually pushy or possibly even violent.
But no matter what, most women aren't shy about cutting off plans
with a guy when they have a gut feeling they shouldn't show up.
And as guys, our "spidey senses" can start tingling also under
certain circumstances, can't they?
Do you think her emotional stability (or lack thereof) could be a
factor? If she has already come up with some erratic stuff on the
phone, you could be right.
Think she's just out to use you in some way? If you get the
distinct feeling you're being manipulated somehow, you're probably
right.
No matter what, if she's causing you to think that maybe NOT going
out with her would be the best idea, then cancel the date.
You don't really need to explain what you're thinking, because
she'll likely have a pretty good comeback ready.
Gut feelings, I've found, are usually trustworthy. Tell her you
think it's best that the date not happen, and that there's another
man out there who will appreciate her more. Leave it at that.
Usually when we make the decision to hang out with a woman, it's
because we genuinely want to. But it's always a good idea to keep
a clear perspective along the way...especially when you don't know
her very well.
So definitely use the information I just shared wisely.
One other quick note.
Clearly, I've geared this conversation mostly toward first dates.
If you have been seeing a woman for a while, you should be LONG PAST
any potentially awkward situations associated with date cancellation.
Open, frank conversation should be the norm.
So you've just read about a whole new topic that suddenly seems
pretty important to get right, yet which isn't usually even TOUCHED
UPON elsewhere.
And as a result, right now you may be feeling like there's MUCH
MORE to getting your dating life under control than you thought.
You may even be feeling that achieving the ULTIMATE level of true
success with women may be out of reach.
Well, on behalf of every guy who has ever been through my Ten-Plus
coaching program, I can tell you that a wildly successful dating
life is NOT AT ALL out of your reach.
In fact, you can go from where you are RIGHT NOW to a life with the
great woman (or women) of your dreams in FAR LESS time than you've
ever thought.
Actually, as crazy as it sounds, your vision for success with women
may be TOO SMALL.
The Ten-Plus program is designed to take you from GOOD to GREAT
with women...at YOUR pace, and on YOUR terms.
This is because it's not "just like" you're putting me to work for
you. You ARE putting me to work for you...directly.
And it's that personal attention that GETS PERSONALIZED RESULTS.
Right now I have exactly two Ten-Plus spots open:
http://www.dating-coaches.com
Demand has been increasing lately, probably because of the Ten-Plus
program's 100% success rate.
There are also reports of guys getting major job promotions as a
direct result of the program...in ADDITION to having high-quality
women in their lives.
So if you have had ENOUGH of settling for mediocre women, feel as
if your specific situation may be unique in some way, and already
know that the character-based approach we bring to the table here
at X & Y Communications is what's right for you, then it's time to
e-mail me.
Drop a note to scot@deservewhatyouwant.com. Give me a way to
contact you and a couple of times that would be good to talk.
By the way, when I say there are only two spots open at the moment,
I'm not kidding.
In fact, this is the LAST CHANCE to lock down your Ten-Plus slot
before I raise the price...and that's only going to be when more guys
complete the program and spots open up.
If you want to learn more about the program before e-mailing me,
here's that link again:
http://www.dating-coaches.com
And I'll be talking to you again soon.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. Frank B. Kermit recently interviewed me for his "Pleasures
And Lifestyles" radio show. He got some really unique (and
sometimes deeply personal) info out of me. If you want to grab a
listen, you can download the show here. It's good. Frank's a
great interviewer:
http://www.franktalks.com/radio
P.P.S. I've noticed that the #1 reason guys unsubscribe from this
newsletter is because they've actually FOUND a great woman and are
in a LTR.
I want to take this opportunity to remind you that actually having a
great woman in your life is all the more reason to KEEP GETTING the
newsletter.
If the concern is about getting a "dating newsletter" in your inbox
once you have a woman in your life, simply e-mail me. I've got
your back. You'll be psyched.
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