[X&Y] Shyness Induced Snobbery? (GREAT Question From A Reader)
Published: Sun, 04/26/09
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IN THIS EDITION: You see a beautiful woman, you want to approach
her, and then (once again) you somehow justify NOT doing so.
Taken at face value, this is just one more "failure to deploy". But
if it's an ongoing pattern, you may actually be giving off a vibe to
your ENTIRE SOCIAL CIRCLE that you're COMPLETELY UNAWARE of...
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WHAT CAN I SAY? THIS IS EXCITING STUFF
OK, gentlemen. After all the excitement packed into that last
message I sent you, I'm going to get straight to the practical
content on this newsletter.
But hey, I don't think I've ever been as excited about ANYTHING
since starting X & Y Communications as I am about The Master Plan.
Seriously, everything is coming together in such a killer way that
I'm just flat-out STOKED.
This time, though, I'll just let the website do the talking (btw,
definitely be sure to watch the videos):
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/masterplan/subscribers
That pre-launch special is going away VERY SOON, by the way, so
take a look now if you haven't yet.
And now, here's a syndrome I call "Shyness Induced Snobbery"...and I
have a sneaking suspicion that Zane from Northern Ireland and I
aren't the only guys who can relate. Here's what I mean...
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
Hi Scot,
I haven't been paying attention to X & Y for while, but you appear
to have been very busy! You see, I was in a 1-year relationship
that just broke up 3 weeks ago.
Its funny how I only pay attention to my skills with women when I'm
single.
It was a good relationship, in fact it was 95% there. But making
up the final 5% was too draining and didn't appear to be making any
headway.
So, painfully, we decided to part.
Anyway, time to raise the bar. I have a question (or nearly a
question, it's so vague I can hardly get a handle on the concept
I'm trying to articulate!) about the value of intuitive judgments
when selecting a woman to approach.
I have a tendency to acknowledge attraction to a woman but then
talk myself out of because "she's probably...x,y or z" where x,y or
z could be anything from too stupid to has poor taste
in...whatever.
However, on occasions that I have been in contact with such people
that I would have from a distance judged harshly, I've found them to
be, in some cases, very fine people.
So I'm wondering what your take on this is? I have a notion that
it may be a form of limiting belief (i.e. it's more of an EXCUSE
not to approach than a VALID REASON not to approach).
Is there anything that deals with this specifically? In a way I
already have my answer, but I just want to bounce it off someone.
Cheers,
Zane (Northern Ireland)
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How's it going, Zane?
Good to hear from you. I most certainly remember you.
Well, I'm sorry that your most recent relationship broke up, but
like you said it's time to go from "95" to "100". Settling never
ends well...even if you feel the slightest
Plus, as you mentioned, it's a GREAT life lesson to learn that
you've got to focus EVEN MORE on being a "Big Four" man when you're
in a long-term relationship.
I'm not sure how recently you tuned back in, but definitely take a
look at the video on the front page for The Master Plan. It's an
interview with a woman, and I think it will shed light on some of
what you are asking about.
At the heart of your question, though, is a phenomenon that I find
fascinating.
Assuming I get the gist of the matter, what you're saying is that
you almost feel as if you "justify" failure to deploy when it comes
to approaching women with snobbery, for lack of a better word.
In other words, even though you're attracted to a particular woman,
you sort of redouble your efforts to shovel dirt on the whole idea
of meeting her for whatever reason that sounds good in the moment.
Even though she's beautiful to you, you tell yourself there's got
to be some "dealbreaker" going on there...even though in truth you
have no concrete idea yet whether that would be the case or not.
If that's ringing a bell here, believe me, I GET IT. I used to do
this ALL THE TIME, man.
The process runs sort of like this:
1) See woman, PRE-QUALIFY HER as amazing.
2) Consider woman, PRE-DISQUALIFY her as having some negative
stuff going on that makes it not such a good idea to meet her.
3) Fail to deploy.
In my case, the "pre disqualification" would very often play out
something like this:
"I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of knowing I'm
interested in her, because she'd probably embarrass me if she had
'one up' on me like that.
Besides, she's probably completely wrong for me because of
[insert lame-o, fictional reason here]."
So to essentially camouflage my fear, I'd tell myself that I was
the STRONG one in such a scenario, by making sure to keep my 'one
up' position on the woman.
But really, that was all pretty WEAK...as I'll elaborate upon in a
bit.
The end result, though? Women thought I was a TOTAL SNOB. After
all, I was a pretty outgoing guy with my friends and was almost
always good at making people have fun.
That is UNLESS there was a girl I had the hots for. Then she
didn't so much as get eye contact from me. I totally gave her the
"cold shoulder".
But it really wasn't that I was a snob. Rather, I was, simply put,
deathly afraid of rejection. So I 'pre-rejected' them.
Essentially, I was the "outgoing shy guy". Able to shine in just
about every social situation--unless a woman I found attractive one
was involved. Then I'd CLAM UP. Crazy, huh?
And like I said...WEAK.
But I think a lot of guys can relate.
So for the good of the cause, what was GOING ON there?
It all comes down to our tendency to run through all the BAD
possibilities in our minds before anything REAL ever has a chance
to play out.
We visualize disaster, and of course we run the other way.
Stimulus, response.
But blaming the woman for being "wrong" is just a crutch. In fact,
IT'S AS MUCH A FANTASY AS YOUR ATTRACTION FOR HER. (Think about
that one for a sec.)
So what's the CURE?
Well, first of all, the day I stopped seeing simple conversations
with attractive women as CONTESTS, everything changed.
If you're just TALKING to a woman, then there's no more an issue of
"acceptance vs. rejection" than there is when you talk to anyone
else you meet.
It's simply socializing when you think about it like that.
I'm not sure exactly where it all clicked for me, but I'll readily
admit it was recent enough ago that I'm kicking myself for it.
Maybe I had finally been on enough dates where I was initially
excited yet grew less and less interested as the evening wore on.
That's always a practical way to learn how counter-productive, if
not flat out silly it is pre-qualify women.
Or maybe I had successfully conversed with enough women while in a
relationship with someone else (i.e. when I wasn't really looking
to act on attraction) that I finally GOT IT...a confident, carefree
style works like a charm with women.
You know what I mean, right? Ye olde "Why do women like me more
when I have a girlfriend?" quandary.
Well, the answer is, of course, a delicate combination of women
"buying on the approval of others" AND what I'm talking about here.
When you LEAD with an attitude that is free of any angst over
potential "loss", then the woman feels more comfortable with you
and you fare WAY BETTER with her overall.
At this point I have to tell you that one of the BIGGEST reasons
why I go out of my way nowadays to be approachable as opposed to
hiding in an "ivory tower" is because of my life experience in this
area.
Believe me, I know as well as anyone what a TRAGIC LOSS it is to
insulate myself from terrific people because of "shyness-induced
snobbery". (Maybe that acronym, "SIS" is significant...LOL!)
It's truly a joy to get to know people and let them make their own
first impressions on you.
I personally realized over time how deep the influence of "shyness-
induced snobbery" ran in my life. In many ways it showed up when
confronted with ANYONE I was sort of in awe of, for any reason.
You can imagine how such a mindset can prohibit someone from
meeting almost anyone who could prove significant to him or her.
So these days, I've learned to enjoy meeting every single person I
can and not wad myself up in pre-conceived notions of ANY type,
actually.
This is why I answer the X & Y Communications telephone myself and
still answer as many e-mails personally as I possibly can.
And I suspect that if you intentionalize that same concept of
seeing conversations with women as simple social events rather than
"do or die" situations, you'll soon develop a very "Big Four" habit
of ENJOYING interaction and opening yourself to the natural results
of where it leads.
That is to say, pretty women who knock your socks off initially may
end up disappointing you...even as other women you meet by
happenstance impress the heck out of you.
You go with that flow, and ENJOY IT. No "fear of loss" involved.
By the way, just to add another dimension to this (as I tend to
enjoy doing), keep your eyes open to the fact that every shred of
what we're talking about here is a HUMAN TENDENCY, not just a "guy
thing".
That's right, if YOU think we as men get hit by "SIS" you should
know that this mindset is PANDEMIC among women.
The girl in high school who went out of her way to IGNORE YOU just
may have had a major CRUSH on you. And for some women, being
affected by "SIS" never changes.
You even see that theme played out in the movies A LOT...especially
those "chick flicks" we rarely watch. Well, there's a reason for
that. Women can RELATE.
We sure weave a tangled web for ourselves in life, don't we?
Ultimately, you JUST NEVER KNOW what's really going on with people
UNTIL YOU MEET THEM and get to know them. And that takes
leadership.
Just like "following" someone on Twitter is actually REALLY
"leading" as far as social interaction goes, the same holds true in
real life.
The "Big Four" guy makes the friends, meets the women, and ends up
being the key influencer within his entire social circle.
Great, great question, Zane. Thanks for the inspiration to
address what really is a HUGE topic for many, many people.
BTW, was that in line with what you already suspected? [Ed. Note:
I heard back from Zane, and this INDEED hit the nail on the head
for him.]
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. The brand new episode of The Chick Whisperer (#29) features
co-host Alan Roger Currie (aka "Mode One"). Catch it on iTunes
under "Podcasts/Health/Self-Help" or directly from the feed here:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/thechickwhisperer
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