[X&Y] How To Avoid Speech Patterns Of The Socially Clueless
Published: Fri, 06/26/09
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IN THIS EDITION: Want to make extra sure your social conversations
are working FOR you instead of AGAINST you?
Finally...here's a simple, OBJECTIVE checklist of ten speech patterns
to definitely avoid if you want to attract women (or make friends
in general, actually).
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ULTIMATE ATTRACTION TRANSFORMATION IS HERE
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Take a look!
And now...let's talk about SOCIAL SKILL in some very practical terms...
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TOP TEN SPEECH PATTERNS OF THOSE WITHOUT SOCIAL SKILLS [PART ONE]
A ton of you guys have been writing in asking for some PRACTICAL
info on how exactly to tighten up your social skills so that
they're absolutely rock solid.
Now I don't particularly think many of you out there are exactly
Ted Kaczynski "Unabombers" in the making or anything.
But let's face it, the MORE WE KNOW about how to consistently crush
it in the "social dynamics" department, the better off we are.
So based on having talked with some of those whom I'm closest to
and picked their brains, I've pulled together some REAL WORLD ideas
on how to get way, WAY ahead of the curve on how to "win friends
and influence people".
As it turns out, the format that made the most sense was to present
these findings as ten specific examples of ways that people who
COMPLETELY LACK social skill tend to approach interactions with
other people.
Since there were TEN discrete areas identified, I've decided to
split this discussion into TWO PARTS. Today, I'll share the first
five with you.
Now as you read, you may feel a twinge of "self indictment". Don't
let this tear you up too much.
In many, many ways I think that very same "85/15" factor I
described to you a few newsletters ago applies here.
In other words, WE ALL MESS UP SOMETIMES.
I'll be the first to admit to you that the simple act of collecting
the information for this newsletter was a REAL "eye-opener" for me
personally.
Man, even being immersed in this sort of thing every day I still
mess up more times on most of these than I'd like to admit. (Oh
well...looks like I just admitted to it anyway... )
With that in mind, as you read what follows the question to ask
yourself is, "Do I do any of these A LOT in my conversations with
others?"
I encourage an honest answer to that question, even as your first
reaction may be to laugh out loud reminiscing about all the times
you've ever seen others portray EXACTLY what I'm describing in
vivid detail.
But seriously, if you can become well-acquainted with this
particular "top ten list" I can promise you'll be MILES AHEAD of
most guys on this planet when it comes to attracting women,
starting conversations with them and making first meetings go well.
And hey...you may just make and KEEP more friends in general.
With that, here are the first five:
1) Interrupting Early And Often
Sounds basic, doesn't it? But if so, why then do SO MANY of us
still interrupt others so often?
Well, the simple answer is that we are so busy trying to be heard
that we forget to listen. So instead of giving a care about what
that other human being in front of us finds important, we spend
that valuable time hard at work trying to form our next verbalized
thought.
Bad move.
When this is going on, not only do we come off as rude, we
COMPLETELY DISENGAGE ourselves from the conversation. And who
wants to talk to a WALL?
Simply intentionalizing a new habit of fully absorbing what someone
else is saying before responding is TREMENDOUS gift to oneself.
That's an essential building block to becoming a hyper-effective
listener.
And make no mistake; effective LISTENERS go very far in life.
We're talking corner-office dwellers with high quality women
waiting at home (see "Smilin' Bob" reference from last week's
newsletter).
2) Stringing Multiple Thoughts Together Without Pausing
Okay. Let's be honest.
If interrupting is a favorite speech pattern of the socially
unskilled, so is the "flip side": talking non-stop such that
nobody else can get a word in edgewise.
If you are a passionate, enthusiastic person who genuinely adores
life, then it's REALLY EASY to lapse into this mode.
And normally passion and enthusiasm are REALLY good things.
But if you consistently notice that those with whom you are
conversing are trying crowbar a comment here and there, and all you
can think is "How RUDE it is that this person keeps TRYING to
interrupt me", then you COULD BE the reason why others feel they've
GOT TO interrupt.
Here's a quick head-check. A great tip for BALANCING conversation
is to speak exactly as we're all taught to WRITE...in PARAGRAPHS.
A PARAGRAPH, of course, is a block of text conveying a SINGLE
THOUGHT (except in e-mail newsletters, where it works better to
insert more frequent breaks for easy reading, natch.)
So how about it? Do you converse with others a SINGLE THOUGHT at a
time, thereby allowing your friend to chime in with a response?
Or, do you repeat phrases like "...which reminds me", "...and not only
that", or "...and here's what else" a lot?
If you bounce from point to point without pausing for interaction
from the other person, you're flat-out not leaving room for that
person to offer his or her own thoughts.
And that's a solid recipe for NEVER having the opportunity to
converse with that other person again.
3) Gossiping Like A "Vieja"
In case you don't habla Espanol, "vieja" literally means "old
lady". And in Mexicano culture, which I've been immersed in for
nearly 20 years now, when "vieja" is uttered as a slang term it
basically refers to a woman who spreads rumors about others--usually
in conversation with friends.
Rest assured those "friends" will not remain "friends" for long if
they're the ones gossiped about.
It's a matter of pure opinion, but I personally believe gossiping
is PARTICULARLY UNATTRACTIVE when performed by a man. Perhaps
because the practice is so often associated with women, either
fairly or unfairly.
One thing's for sure though. The more you spread other people's
business--especially when unsubstantiated as fact--the less of other
people's business you'll find yourself privy to. People simply
won't trust you. And sooner than later, they will choose not even
to TALK to you.
4) Assuming Experts Are Clueless
You may have been able to guess that I'd mention any or all of the
first three "socially unskilled speech patterns" shared so far. So
let's make the final two I share for now a bit on the more SUBTLE
side.
The first such example occurs when we find ourselves contending
with someone who is particularly well informed on a certain subject.
For example, if you find yourself in the front row at a comedy
club, trust me when I say you'll DO VERY WELL just to nod and laugh
when a particular stand-up comedian singles you out during his set
to poke a bit of fun at.
If you choose to go toe-to-toe with him when he starts with the
wisecracks--or heckle him, heaven forbid--you'd better be ON POINT.
By that I mean you'd better be as QUICK and HILARIOUS as a
professional...which the vast majority of us ARE NOT.
Otherwise, you're going to look REALLY BAD...REALLY FAST.
Similarly, I'm reminded of a story told to me by a female friend of
mine who is a flight attendant.
While on a first date, the guy she was with started the evening by
asking lots of questions, including about her cool job. A little
"interviewish" an approach, granted. But certainly not a deal
breaker in and of itself.
However, when my friend spoke about how she prefers international
assignments and particularly enjoys flying the 777 aircraft in her
company's fleet, the guy told her she must have been thinking of
some other plane because her company doesn't have triple sevens.
"Hello...", she told him, "I WORK there and do this flying stuff A
LOT. I think I know the kind of plane I'm on 12 days a month."
Indeed, Continental Airlines has a dogpile of 777s.
And there was no second date for "Mr. Dumas".
I doubt most of us commit such blatant infractions. But where this
factor can REALLY jump up and bite you is when you don't have a lot
of background on who you're making conversation with.
For example, imagine you find yourself in a conversation with a
random woman who starts talking about fast cars. Off the top of
your head you say, "Oh yeah, what do CHICKS know about that stuff?"
When you realize you're talking to Danica Patrick, you might feel
slightly silly.
It's dangerous to assume. Don't be that guy.
5) Treating New Info As If It's Old And/Or Unimportant News
This one may have been completely overlooked had it not come up in
natural conversation just a few days ago.
The dynamic goes something like this.
Someone shares a tidbit of info with another person that is late
breaking and exciting to the speaker.
And whether it is or not to the listener, he or she plays it off as
if it's common knowledge that the rest of the world has known about
for weeks.
For example, if someone shares with me that they've just checked
out a new Thai restaurant that opened across town, I SHOULD say,
"Whoa...I love Thai food. I've got to check that out. What's it
called again? And are they on the Web?"
All of this is not expressed in a needy, approval-seeking way, mind
you, but rather in a calculated tone that demonstrates what I'm
being told is acknowledged as important.
But what I MIGHT say instead is, "Yep. That one's okay but there
are all sorts of other great Thai restaurants in town."
The former approach makes the one who is sharing the news feel
validated. The latter makes him or her resent your perceived
arrogance. Whoops.
There you have it, the FIRST FIVE of TEN speech patterns of the
socially clueless.
If you recognize any of these from your own recent past, remember
we're only human.
So don't beat yourself up too badly. Rather, simply keep what has
been shared thus far in mind and let the examples act as a TRIGGER
mechanism in your own mind should any of your interactions begin to
take a similar form.
Simply KNOWING what a wrong-headed approach looks like can be all
it takes to prevent southbound social skills from rearing their
ugly heads.
By the way, if you want more on how to make others LOVE being around
you instead of planning their "escape route" as quickly as possible,
take a look at "The Engineer's Guide To Being Cooler Than The
Salesguy". That's what it's all about:
http://www.beingcooler.com
Oh, and if you've got The Master Plan here's some great news...you
ALREADY have that audio program. It's in your Member's Area.
If you don't have The Master Plan, here's where you can snag it:
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/masterplan/subscribers
I'll be back at you early in the week with the other five in the
"top ten" list. Until then, have a great weekend.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. Attention Twitter users: About an hour ago I made my
100,000th Twitter friend. All weekend I'm handing out FREE GIFTS
to celebrate.
If you want in on that party, find me @scotmckay on Twitter. If you
aren't already following, do so and I'll follow you back.
P.P.S. In case you missed the last newsletter, he newest episode
of The Chick Whisperer is ON THE LOOSE. Subscribe on iTunes here:
http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=218155493
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