[X&Y] Ten Speech Patterns Of Those Without Social Skills [Part Two]
Published: Mon, 06/29/09
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IN THIS EDITION: Without any more waiting, here is the second half
of the list of ten speech patterns favored by those who LACK social
skill...
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UNBREAKABLE: WORLD EXCLUSIVE
Your response to The Social Man's new Unbreakable program has been
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Basically, the sequence of events for MANY, MANY of you is going
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1) You're listening to the newest episode of The Chick Whisperer.
2) You're being blown away by how approaching and meeting women
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5) You're pulling the trigger, sending me the receipt and scoring
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Well, here's the deal. Only 300 guys were supposed to get in on
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And seriously, if you go to www.becomeunbreakable.com (the main
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to the video they had up there pre-launch (which you should watch,
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BUT...if you go to the special link I have set up, you're going to
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That's right. Thanks to YOUR overwhelming response--both to the
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That's the follow-up to Deserve What You Want, and it's a $27 value
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And now, time for the second half of that infamous list we started
last time...
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TOP TEN SPEECH PATTERNS OF THOSE WITHOUT SOCIAL SKILLS [PART TWO]
Last time I shared with you the first five of ten ways someone can
betray a complete LACK of social skill through their conversational
style.
If you didn't happen to catch that e-mail from Friday night, I
highly recommend going back to your mailbox and digging it up prior
to reading what follows. It was sent around 7p EDT on Friday night.
Your response to that first part has run the entire gamut from
serious to hilarious, but one thing's for sure: You DID NOT WANT
TO WAIT to hear the second half.
So far be it from me to keep it from you. Here is the second half
of the list--and I've saved a few of the REALLY SUBTLE ones for last!
1) Hating All Sorts Of Stuff
There has been a lot of talk lately by many about "eliminating
negative people" from their lives.
Well, there's been a whole lot of ACTION, also. With more of a
spotlight on the issue than ever, human "radar" is tuned in to
detect "haters" more than ever.
If you freely express your disdain for job, coworkers,
acquaintances, minor inconveniences, TV shows, restaurants
and..well...EVERYTHING ELSE; don't be surprised when people stop
wanting to hang out with you.
For the record, anything that falls under the heading "complaining"
is exactly what we're talking about here.
Now granted, you can't be expected to blow sunshine up people's
skirts all the time. But instead of 24/7, aim (again) for 85/15.
And by the way, if you are of the opinion that being positive,
spreading optimism and encouraging others is dorky and lame, I have
a challenge for you.
Make your next ten Facebook updates and/or Twitter posts expressly
positive: words of encouragement, optimistic quotes, etc.
Then watch the MASSIVE difference in how people respond to you.
Let that be your "field test" of the premise we're discussing here.
I promise that a similar dynamic will occur when you interact more
positively with people offline, too.
2) Badmouthing Others / Talking Behind Someone's Back
We mentioned spreading unsubstantiated rumors last time. This is
similar, but with a distinct twist.
This is essentially all about sharing info with someone about
someone else that you really hope doesn't get back to them.
For example, you may tell a friend that you really can't stand a
common acquaintance...although when you are in that other person's
presence you smile and keep your opinion to yourself.
Or, you may share potentially damaging or disparaging info with a
friend about someone else.
Whether the subject of your wrath is a "friend" or not is
irrelevant in this case.
The truth is that time and again studies prove that when someone
actively badmouths someone else, the listener is more likely to
assign the negative characteristics in question to the SPEAKER
rather than to the SUBJECT of the conversation.
Amazing but true, isn't it?
Welcome to why we all tend to walk away from a salesman at X-Motors
car dealership when he starts telling us how terrible a Y-Motors
pickup truck is.
And we become more likely to ultimately drive off in a Y-Motors truck.
What goes for business goes for social settings also. And a lot of
us "un sell ourselves", as a friend of mine who is a sales
consultant often says.
The real world test? If you find yourself saying, "Don't tell him
I told you this but..." it's time to check yourself.
3) One-upmanship
I am a huge fan of Dilbert comics. Having come from a Bell-shaped
IT world, I plead the fifth on that.
Nonetheless, there's a recurring character in Dilbert named
"Topper" who habitually exerts "one-upmanship" on his colleagues.
That is, no matter what positive thing someone else has achieved,
he can do (or has done) better.
In the comic version, Topper's self-proclaimed amazing feats are
greatly exaggerated for effect.
And the reason it's so flippin' hilarious is because we ALL know
someone like that. We've all been subject to it--and we've all been
annoyed to no end by it.
It appears to be a sign of quintessential arrogance on the surface.
But at its core it's really just needy, approval-seeking weakness.
As you can guess, one-upmanship is a KILLER for sure. Beginning
conversation with the phrase, "That's nothing, I..." is the telltale
sign that it's going on.
4) Giving Unsolicited Advice
Now let's turn our attention to the practice of giving advice when
it hasn't been asked for. This is really a tough one.
Why?
Because 99.9% of the time people who can't help but give others
unsolicited advice really MEAN WELL. They're good people and they
just want to help someone else avoid trouble.
Even more troublesome, then, is how confused they feel when nobody
wants to hang out with them...when they're genuinely trying to be
NICE.
The problem, however, is that most of us FEEL STUPID when subjected
to someone else's "eminent wisdom". We may also perceive the
advice-giver's liberty at bestowing it upon us as a bit arrogant.
So we don't generally like people who give out advice we didn't ask
for. We find their input pushy or even borderline manipulative.
Often, we even go so far as to think of such people as
under-qualified to even GIVE such advice, don't we?
But man...when you really care about someone and know he or she is
headed for a MAJOR mistake, it's all but impossible to bite our
tongue, isn't it? We may feel at times that it's a flat-out MORAL
IMPERATIVE to step in.
So we might say, "You know, if I were you I would..."
And such is often responded to with a line like, "Hey look, if I
wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it!"
From a social perspective, it's surprisingly often the best idea
just to let people make their mistakes
When and if the chips are REALLY down, try asking permission to
share some insight: "Would you mind if I offered you a
suggestion?"
Often you'll get a more favorable response when you've taken the
time to respect someone's judgment ahead of time like that.
And interestingly, the more respect you GIVE, the more others tend
to respect YOUR advice--perhaps even asking for it before you attempt
to offer it. Life is funny like that.
5) Pre-Assuming Social Awkwardness
I believe I've saved the most fascinating one for last.
Based on the title of this section, you may be asking yourself who
in their right mind would ASSUME a social situation would turn out
awkward ahead of time?
I mean, why even attempt to be social if your intent is to make
things awkward?
Well, what if I told you people do this ALL THE TIME?
Actually, the dynamic can play out in any number of very specific
ways. Let me offer a few examples and you'll quickly see EXACTLY
what I mean.
First, someone may say, "With all due respect..." at the beginning
of a sentence. Invariably, something disrespectful is about to
come out of that person's mouth when that happens.
He or she KNOWS it's potentially disrespectful, but is going to say
it anyway.
Or, the phrase "Don't take this the wrong way..." may be used.
Clearly, the speaker expects what is about to be said to be
potentially offensive.
Perhaps someone may lead with, "I hope this doesn't come out the
wrong, but..." In that case, someone is literally PLANNING to be
misunderstood.
Lack of respect, offensive statements and wanton misunderstanding
were NOT signs of solid social skills last time I checked.
So that wraps up the list.
Again, like I said last time, don't beat yourself up too much if
any of these look familiar to you. I'm pretty sure almost all of
us have been guilty of almost ALL TEN at one point or another in
our lives, right?
Now that you have the list in front of you, you have objective
examples to help guide the way. That will make it TONS easier to
check yourself when you see potential situations arise.
Simply KNOWING what a wrong-headed approach looks like can be all
it takes to prevent southbound social skills from rearing their
ugly heads.
And once again, if you want to find a wealth of ROCK SOLID ways to
proactively fine-tune your social skills to expert level, I'd
highly suggest checking this out:
http://www.beingcooler.com
That'll be the best $27 you've ever spent.
If you've got The Master Plan already, then you've already got that
program as part of the package. Look for "The Engineer's Guide To
Being Cooler Than The Salesguy" in the Member's Area.
And...if you've been considering The Master Plan already, I can't
think of a better reason to get your hands on it now.
Here's the special page just for subscribers to this newsletter:
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/masterplan/subscribers
Have a great week, gentlemen. I'll talk to you again soon.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. If you missed it, here's the link to that newest episode of
The Chick Whisperer:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/thechickwhisperer
Subscribe on iTunes here (and please leave a review!):
http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=218155493
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