[X&Y] Safety First? (Hint: NOT What You Think)
Published: Tue, 07/28/09
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IN THIS EDITION: If women love sex as much as men do, then why is
it that it seems like men are the ones who push for it early and
often in a relationship.
I'm about to share a STUNNING REALIZATION that occurred to me
recently, mostly from talking on the phone to guys just like you
and me...
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SELECT WOMEN WISELY
Recently I became friends with David Shade. You know him--he's the
guy who has been one of the most respected (and outrageous) sex
teachers around for over 17 years.
Well, these days he has been working on something radically
different, and I believe it's going to be VERY INTERESTING to you.
You see, David and I made friends in large part after discovering
we had something in common: We both had learned HARD LESSONS in
life about the importance of *choosing the right woman* to get into
a long-term relationship with.
Man, talk about something that is ALL-IMPORTANT to get right in
life.
And now, David has actually collected all of those HARD LESSONS
into one convenient program called Select Women Wisely:
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/shade
All I can say is that this is going to save A LOT of guys A LOT of
trouble. No doubt.
David FedExed me copy of Select Women Wisely and I have to say, it
covers A LOT of ground.
And the price is VERY reasonable considering what all you get
(especially compared to what a messy divorce would cost you later...)
This guy is one interesting cat with a style all his own. And you
can rest assured he finds a way to relate finding the RIGHT WOMAN
to having a complete and fulfilling sex life, so I'd definitely
recommend taking a look:
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/shade
...even if you just get a load of the video at the top of the page.
(All I can say is AMEN, dude.)
And now, I want to share a SIGNIFICANT BREAKTHROUGH I had recently
when considering how men and women relate to each other...
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SAFETY FIRST
As you know, being able to inspire confidence in a woman is one of
the "Big Four" traits that define success with women in general.
Lately, the more that I think about it, I'm becoming more and more
convinced that the third component--inspiring confidence in her--is
the linchpin in the entire sequence...especially when it comes to
getting past the "platonic stage" of a relationship.
We all know it's "safety first" when it comes to HAVING sex.
But it's also "safety first" when it comes to GETTING to the point
of a sexual relationship AT ALL.
Essentially, it goes like this.
I think we're well acquainted with the stereotypes regarding what
men and women usually push for when meeting MOTOS (Members Of The
Opposite Sex).
While men are usually viewed as wanting to get women into bed FAST,
women are seen as wanting to rope men into long-term relationships
ASAP.
But here's the thing: Those stereotypes don't necessarily hold
true all the time, do they?
Sometimes a guy will meet a particularly amazing woman, and push
VERY HARD to make her his girlfriend...almost immediately. I think
we can all relate to that one, at least at some level.
Moreover, we've all heard reports time and again from guys with
pretty good "game" that women are actually AS MUCH into sex IF NOT
MORE than we as guys are.
Yet for many us as men, that statement flat-out doesn't add up.
Some of us just haven't seen the reality of it in the REAL WORLD, so
we CAN'T relate to it.
Well, what if I told you that I believe NEITHER "desire for sex"
NOR "need for security/safety" were gender specific?
That's right. BOTH men and women want sex. And BOTH men and women
have to feel "safe", too.
And I firmly believe that SAFETY is essentially a "barrier" that is
necessary to clear away before a sexual relationship is possible.
So if things are so SIMILAR between men and women, how come they're
so, um...DIFFERENT so often when the rubber meets the road?
Simple. Women are WAY, WAY more often the ones who FEAR for their
safety when interacting with MOTOS.
As I've said before, the man a woman needs to feel protected from
THE MOST is the one SHE'S WITH.
That's YOU, man. So she's got to know first that she can TRUST you
not to harm her, and then that you've got HER best interests at
heart.
We also know that women are almost universally attracted to a man
who can lead.
They also want a man with ambition--you know...A PLAN. Knowing you
are that kind of a guy frees a woman up to WORRY LESS about both
the present AND the future.
Meanwhile, what about us as guys?
Hardwired to be driven by ambition ourselves and unencumbered by
the potential for threat to our personal security when with a
woman, SAFETY IS NOT SO MUCH OF AN ISSUE.
We just don't need it from a woman, at least in the physical sense.
And if we have the audacity to want a woman to "support us", we
end up feeling like less of a man.
Argue with me if you must, but I know exactly zero guys who gain
any sense of fulfillment from that situation.
In fact, think of it this way: If a guy depends on a woman for ANY
SORT of safety, even in the "short term" when initially meeting her
or on a date with her, how does he come off?
You got it: NEEDY and/or INSECURE.
And what happens when THAT'S the case? Right again: NO SEXUAL
RELATIONSHIP.
Is this all starting to make sense?
Well, here's the most breathtaking part of all.
Who are the women who tend to "break the mold" when it comes to
being as eager for sex as early and often in a relationship as most
men?
That's right. It's the women who are SELF-SUFFICIENT. It's the
women who have learned to be largely dependent upon THEMSELVES for
safety and security.
Single women who are a bit older, have experienced a divorce and/or
are raising children on their own have been there, done that, and
learned to find their way in the world WITHOUT a man around.
And they're precisely the ones who are often cited as being more
likely to be sexually aggressive...and WAY sooner than other women.
Think of the whole "MILF" concept and you've got a prime example of
what I mean.
I've experienced this phenomenon myself when dating women who fit
any or all of the criteria I listed above.
In fact, I remember observing MORE OFTEN THAN NOT that
thirtysomething divorced mommies pretty much fit the MALE
STEREOTYPE of coming off as "sex focused".
It's as if to them all the women repeating the mantra about "not
needing a man" are simply trying to talk themselves into feeling
that way (because they are!)
Meanwhile, all it takes to ignite such a woman sexually is to
ignite her femininity with your masculinity.
Assuming you can get past the EASIEST part of making her feel safe--
that is, that you're not likely to be an axe murderer or otherwise
harm her in any way physically--IT'S ON.
Confidence and masculinity (aka the first two components of the
"Big Four") are mostly all it takes when dealing with a woman who
can "fend for herself" in the world.
But just don't be CAUGHT DEAD depending on her for security. She
won't be in the mood to "carry you" in that way.
In fact, such will undermine your masculinity, of course, meaning
(ironically enough) you'll be disqualified in her mind as anything
more than "just a friend".
And here's a hint: If you HAVE been out with thirtysomething
single moms and found them to be sexually reserved and tentative,
then it's time to look in the mirror. You MAY be "failing to
deploy" more than you've ever thought.
Do you still need more proof that what I'm talking about, as
amazing as it sounds, may actually be rooted in some semblance of
reality?
Consider ye olde reliable Maslow's hierarchy of human needs. What
resides directly above "safety needs" on the pyramid?
Yep...sexuality. Clear the "safety hurdle", and it's ALL ABOUT
GETTING SEXUAL NEEDS MET from there.
This is for real, gentlemen. It's 100% imperative that you cause a
woman to feel safe and secure with you. And as a man it's equally
necessary to be self-dependent for one's OWN safety and security.
But you've always known both of those things...as least in principle.
Now you're armed with the frame of reference as to WHY it's all
the case, and how it all fits together.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. YES...I've got another episode of The Chick Whisperer already
in the can, and my co-host is none other than David Shade. I'll be
rolling that out for you shortly, but for now make sure you're
subscribed on iTunes:
http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=218155493
...and enjoy the current episode (#31) with Bryan Bayer while your
there.
P.P.S. I'm *almost* ready to introduce the book Chick Whispering
to the world. I realize it's WAY OVERDUE. I've been workin'
overtime to build a bonus package to go along with it that's
INSANELY VALUABLE to you. Stay tuned.
P.P.P.S. Meanwhile, I've been making The Master Plan EVEN BETTER,
and will have something killer to announce to you next time...
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