[X&Y] How To Turn Phone Numbers Into First Dates
Published: Thu, 08/20/09
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IN THIS EDITION: Here are step-by-step instructions to making sure
you turn phone numbers into real, live first meetings.
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HOW TO ARRANGE FIRST MEETINGS WITH A WOMAN
Here it is: I think men's dating and seduction advice in general
focuses WAY too much on the pickup stage.
Don't get me wrong. I get it. If you don't actually MEET women,
then there's not much chance at anything else happening from there.
Granted.
But the problem is that if we beg, borrow or steal just to get her
number (or in the case of online dating, a response to our first
e-mail), we may actually be mortgaging our ultimate success with
women in the process.
The canned lines, cut/paste e-mails and whatever "means to the end"
we come up with can leave us asking, "Uh...what do I do next?" sooner
than later in our budding relationships with the hotties we've just
met.
And when that happens, we don't exactly look confident or
masculine.
What's more, we get uncomfortable...and she follows our lead.
Worst of all, she may even wonder who we REALLY ARE under there.
Demonstrating character? Forget it, pal.
So you've got it: If you are shortsighted enough to throw all your
eggs in the pickup basket (perhaps literally), you stand an
excellent chance of getting NOWHERE beyond that.
Why? Because you've basically STRUCK OUT when it comes to being a
"big four" man...all in under ten minutes.
Ouch.
With all this in mind, it's no wonder I get tons of messages from
guys who report getting their fair share of numbers, but can't seem
to get a woman to actually SHOW UP in person for a first meeting
(aka "first dates", "Day 2", etc.
Believe me. I've been there. It's frustrating stuff.
And it's easy to blame women for being so "flaky", isn't it?
But guess what? It might not be that women are all that "flaky"
after all. It may be that YOU LED.
Before you go accusing me of sniffing drain pipes again, I invite
you to consider the following suggested sequence of events as a
proposed new strategy for increasing "take rate" on first meetings.
After all, you can keep on doing what you've always done and keep
on getting what you've always gotten...like ever other Average Joe.
OR you can handle things with a little more polish and style and
outperform average guys when it comes to success with women.
What'll it be?
1) THINK A FEW CHESS MOVES AHEAD
I admit it. I can't sit still long enough to enjoy chess.
But I know this much: What separates a great chess player from all
others is an ability to visualize what the board could conceivably
look like several moves ahead.
By doing this, he is able to form his next move with a greater
eventual goal in sight...perhaps even without his opponent realizing
the depth of his strategy until it's too late.
Now it's not like we're trying to ensnare women into being
checkmated here, of course, but you get the idea.
Instead of approaching a woman with "tunnel vision" about getting
her number (or simply not getting rejected), try opening your mind
to the bigger picture.
Simply adopting the mindset that the approach, the conversation and
even the "number close" don't equal "success" in themselves will
get you on the right track...even as most other guys are already
derailed.
Think in terms of looking ahead to a successful first date and
eventually calling your own shot regarding continuing the
relationship or not. This simple mind shift will work wonders from
minute one...literally.
2) HER COMFORT IS EVERYTHING
If you are worried about being rejected, worried about saying the
wrong thing, worried she has a boyfriend, or worried about ANYTHING
else don't be surprised if she's worried right back atcha.
Again...women will follow your lead.
If you aren't creepy, aggressive or otherwise threatening most
women will be PERFECTLY FRIENDLY to you. And if they are not
friendly even in the face of you being perfectly reasonable and
personable with them, then I'd say you've DODGED A BULLET.
Believe me, I hear from guys all the time who are confused about
consistent failure to make first dates happen...and they blame women
for it.
But the reality is that they've almost always been presenting
themselves to women in a way that causes discomfort to them.
And if she's not comfortable with you, she's NOT GOING OUT WITH YOU.
She simply will not be willing to be alone with you. Even in a
"well lit public area".
The cure is to STOP being so self-absorbed. Let go of the
potential bad things that could happen to YOU in a pickup
situation, and instead wake up to considering what will make her
feel MORE COMFORTABLE with you.
Women actually love it when a calm, casual guy starts a respectful
conversation with them.
By the way, you are NOT a threatening, creepy weirdo simply because
you are a man, so STOP worrying about that too.
You are only a threatening, creepy weirdo when you're threatening,
creepy or weird. And if you're not normally that way, it's only
going to come off as such if you're too wadded up in your own gig
to pay attention to the situation at hand.
3) BE CLEAR ABOUT YOUR INTENTIONS, BUT CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY
OK, now we get to the part that you might especially appreciate if
you often find yourself striking up great conversations with women
only to later be left wondering "what happened?"
Basically, we've got to keep in mind that women REALLY DO want to
meet guys, go on dates and be happy.
But all too often, we instead talk them out of going out with us
before they've even had a chance to draw their own conclusions.
It's OKAY to want to see her again. It's OKAY that you're
attracted to her.
In fact, she KNOWS both of those things already. Instinctively.
So make with it, already. ASK HER OUT. Otherwise, she's not
going to ask herself out.
And she's not going to suggest it's okay for you to ask her out
either, in case you're wondering. She wants you to LEAD.
So stop shying away from all of this. If you wimp out, she'll know
exactly what the deal is.
It sounds so basic, doesn't it? But in the real world, guys get a
woman's number and they quickly duck out, thinking they're
"quitting while they're ahead".
You don't want HER NUMBER...you want HER. Think about that one for a
second.
If you've ever been in sales before, think of it this way: You
don't want a LEAD...you want a SALE.
Commissions are WAY DIFFERENT than human beings, of course, but the
analogy applies, doesn't it?
So don't simply "get her number". Tell her you want to see her
again.
And here are the three magic words: "Lets make plans."
You don't have to come right out with the pressure of, "Uh...let's
go out on a date." And you don't have to euphemize the issue by
saying, "Let's hang out sometime."
Nope. "Let's make plans" is the world's smoothest way to
articulate EXACTLY what you are up to...all in a distinctly masculine
and confident manner.
4) SET EXPECTATIONS
Sure, you've actually got to get her number. But what most guys
forget to do is tell her what they plan to DO with her number.
As we've just noted above, lots of guys LEAVE after getting her
number.
But the reality is that they're only setting themselves up for
failure.
When you get her number, tell her you're going to CALL HER. And
tell her WHEN.
You're not going to "hit and run" with some text message because
you have no idea what you'd say were she to actually answer the
phone and/or because you fear she won't have an "erase/re-record"
function on her voicemail.
And since you are a confident, masculine man you don't worry about
looking "needy" because you AREN'T needy.
So assuming you really have to get up early the next morning and
it's going to be a long day, tell her you'll call her day after
tomorrow. Sometime around mid-evening, maybe.
She's a human being, man. And if you've made it this far there's a
pretty good chance she'll be excited to hear from you when you
call. So shouldn't Step One be to let her know when she might
expect to be ready to answer the friggin' phone?
After all, most guys get her number without giving her theirs
(which does not have to be your style, by the way). So as a
result, all you are is an unknown phone number at a random
time...unless you MAN UP and set expectations appropriately.
5) FOLLOW UP
Now here's the simplest (but not necessarily the easiest) part:
Actually DO what you said you'd do.
If you were smart, when setting expectations you told her that you
value women with integrity and that you won't be playing any games.
You may have even told her that you look forward to talking to her
more and had the presence of mind to make sure she plans on being
available at the time you're going to call her.
So you call her when you said you would, and you MAKE PLANS like
you said you would.
You tell her when you'd like to meet with her. You tell her you
believe that the man should pick a woman up and bring her home, but
you respect the fact that you're just getting to know each other so
if she'd like to meet you at the appointed place and time that's
fine.
She'll tell you what she's comfortable with. And yes...she'll be
COMFORTABLE with the choice--all because you set the tone.
And if she can't make it when you suggest, she may offer a
different time. Then again, she may not have that part of dating
skill figured out yet. After all, she's HUMAN, remember?
If she doesn't suggest a time when she is available, suggest a
second one for her. If she can't make that one, then you have two
choices.
First, you can assume she's uninterested and hang up. After all,
that's what some PUAs would tell you to do.
Or, you can sack up and remember you aren't desperate. You're
simply a man who knows how to get what he wants and make things
happen.
You can say that she clearly sounds like a busy woman, and that can
only mean that she REALLY needs to get out of the house. Have her
suggest TWO times that will indeed work for her. One will likely
work for you.
Then get over yourself. It was either that or voluntarily cancel
your own chances. Sometimes women are thinking exactly what you're
thinking: "don't be too available". Someone's got to break the
stalemate, and you can LEAD by breaking it the way I just
suggested...and come off as even more of a real man in the process.
Truth be told, there's no "foolproof" way to get a first date with
a woman. Anything can happen between when you first approach her
and when you actually get around to meeting alone together.
But given a situation where it's unreasonable to "make plans" on
the spot and take her with you, what I've just shared is a WAY more
solid plan than what most guys consciously bring to the table.
The key word being "conscious". Look alive out there, and give
yourself a clear advantage.
I'll talk to you again soon...next time about acing the first meeting
and getting the second one.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. I've had several questions over the past few days about where
to find all the X & Y Communications programs in one place. That
would be here:
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/store
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