[X&Y] Pre-Emptive Rejection?
Published: Wed, 09/29/10
X & Y COMMUNICATIONS WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
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WHAT'S INSIDE: Could it be true that by "settling" for women you
don't really want could actually be fueling rejection? And can you
even call it "rejection" at all in those cases? Read on...
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PRE-EMPTIVE REJECTION?
I've written before about how we as guys sometimes reject women we
actually LIKE.
As crazy as that sounds, it can happen when the "too good to be
true factor" kicks in and we feel as if we need to kick her out of
our life before suffering what we feel is "inevitable" rejection
from her...even if we really, truly liked her.
Call it a "pre-emptive strike", if you will.
Sound silly? You bet it is. We humans tend to do all sorts of
bizarre things when we suffer from lack of confidence and/or low
self-esteem.
But check it out. Over the past two days I've been on two separate
coaching calls where a similar but slightly MORE twisted version of
this concept has come up in conversation.
Let me show you how it works.
Let's say a guy starts dating a woman. He thinks she's okay,
especially at first, but after a few dates it's abundantly clear to
him that she isn't exactly his "100 out of 100".
In fact, she may be barely hanging on in the attraction
department...even to the degree that our hero might even be reticent
to be seen in public with her by his friends.
Well, any self-respecting "Big Four" man (confident, masculine as
women define it, able to make a woman feel safe in his presence,
strong character) would recognize that he has options and give her
the "just be friends" talk, right?
After all, there's another guy out there who's going to appreciate
her more than he ever will.
But unfortunately, that brings us back to the simple fact that not
all of us are where we need to be in the self-confidence and
self-respect department.
Therefore, either because the guy DOESN'T perceive himself to have
any other options--or worse, because he can't stomach the idea of
putting up with an "emotional response" from the woman--he quietly
soldiers on in the relationship.
THEN, here's what often happens in short order: SHE breaks up with
HIM.
Now see, it's how a guy who put himself in this situation tends to
perceive that irony that's most important in this conversation...so
listen up.
Remember, we've already established that only a guy who's lacking
options and therefore CONFIDENCE would probably even keep a woman
around who he's not really so into.
And it's precisely that frame of mind--structured around poverty
rather than abundance--that would cause him to think the following:
"What? Even SHE rejected me? And geez...she wasn't even all that
great! I must be a TOTAL LOSER."
Right here, right now, you may see that as a completely logical
conclusion to make.
But there's something you're forgetting.
Women, even if on the opposite end of the sexual polarity spectrum,
are still HUMAN BEINGS. Therefore, they indeed have the tendency
to process situations using the same combo of logic and emotion as
we do.
So guess what? Realistically speaking, instead of having been
"rejected" by a woman who wasn't even up to his standard, the woman
may have left BECAUSE she wasn't who he really wanted...and she KNEW
it.
That's right. The "pre-emptive strike" was on HER PART this time.
Two can play at that game, right?
After all, if a guy's just hanging around for no good reason other
than convenience, fear of the break up, etc. I think a woman can
FEEL THAT. It's an unfulfilling, if not flat-out humiliating
situation for her to be in.
So rather than deal with the frustration any longer, it's HER who
flashes the "peace" sign and moves on.
It's not HIM who has been "rejected". It's HER who sees
"rejection" coming and bails out in this instance.
"Now wait a second", you may be asking. "That seems perfectly
reasonable for her to do, given what the guy is thinking. Didn't
you say that the men's version you wrote about before WASN'T
reasonable?"
That's a good and valid question.
Remember, I'm all about helping YOU as a guy avoid mindsets that
will poison your success with women.
So in the context of this newsletter we've talked about a guy's
potential "pre-emptive rejection" of women he actually LIKED
compared to his potential feeling of "rejection" when a woman he
DIDN'T LIKE pulls the plug on him.
Both of those scenarios are indeed unreasonable, and should be
recognized and -as I trust I've effectively empowered you to do.
But in the reverse situation to each of those respective cases it's
COMPLETELY rational to break up with someone.
In other words, if a woman finds herself with a guy she knows isn't
"feeling it" for her, she is absolutely RIGHT to blow him off like
a rusty muffler. The problem is HIS, not hers...like we've outlined
above.
That's actually solid self-esteem in action (and yes...it's based on
the same combo of logic and emotion available to you as a "Big
Four" man).
AND...a woman who is sent away by a man who suffers from the "too
good to be true factor" shouldn't feel "rejected". After all, the
only offense SHE committed was being too wonderful for him to bear.
So neither should YOU feel "rejected" if a woman with low-self
esteem thinks you're "too good to be true" and/or can't seem to
handle the thought of you genuinely appreciating her...and runs away
from you.
So revolves the world. What a tangled web we weave, huh?
What's the solution to avoiding all of these plot complications,
then?
It's disarmingly simple: Go after women you ACTUALLY LIKE, instead
of pre-programming yourself to "settle".
How do we ever let ourselves "settle", anyway?
Man, it's ALL TOO EASY. We go to a club and begin with a few "warm
up sets" or whatever. Then we end up with the first woman who
showed interest...as if by default.
Or, we go out on a first date with a woman, and even though we're
squarely "on the fence" about her we'd rather ask her for a second
date than deal with the awkwardness of telling her we aren't
interested.
Yeah, well...just remember not to feel "rejected" when that woman
says, "Thanks, but no thanks" anyway, right?
I mean, let's face it...that's what she SHOULD do, when you get right
down to it.
When you go after women you really want, the women you really want
tend to really feel wanted. That tends to end well for both of
you.
So stop beating around the bush and give the women you like the
kind of appreciation from a "Big Four" man they deserve.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. Be on the lookout for more webinars / teleseminars. You guys
are sending some great ideas...keep 'em coming.
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Questions? Feel free to send yours to scot@deservewhatyouwant.com
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