[X&Y] 8 Ways To Fine-Tune Your "Fluff" Detector
Published: Sat, 10/23/10
X & Y COMMUNICATIONS WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
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WHAT'S INSIDE: Is she giving you straight answers, or is she just
"blowing smoke"? How effective are you at really knowing the
difference?
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And now, let's take a look at five things women tend to say to us
that they, well...don't really mean. And wait a minute...could it be
true that we sometime say very similar things to women? Read on...
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DO YOU HAVE A FINELY-TUNED FLUFF DETECTOR?
I'm not sure exactly. Maybe it was the seven years I spent working
with gang kids. Perhaps I've been conditioned by those eleven
years' worth of high-pressure dealings with telecom companies.
Or, more likely, it was the five years of dating after my divorce
that got me to this point.
But there's no denying it. I have a "smoke" detector that would
make "Judge Judy" jealous.
Let me explain. I make it a point to look for the best in people,
and I believe I do my part in bringing it out in them. And as a
Texan a handshake means something to me.
But I'll tell you what--there's wisdom in training ourselves to
recognize when someone's trying to deceive us...and courage in having
the self-esteem to accept that we're being flim-flammed and to call
it out.
For some unknown reason, such trickery is particularly prevalent in
the dating world. Here are eight examples of the many ways people
try to dupe us into accepting ridiculous circumstances:
1) "Get in touch with me and we'll make plans"
Said as a response to interest expressed by someone else. At best
a person who replies with this is on the fence about whether or not
to go out with you.
At worst, they've already made the decision.
Either way, don't count on it happening. If this was a promising
situation, you would be hearing more details. All of this is
especially true when a woman hears this phrase from a man. He
would be asking for your number were he interested.
That said, I am not going to discount a man having such fear of
rejection that he still doesn't ask for a woman's number when fed a
similar line as an obvious hint. But that's a different context.
And besides, ladies, you are better off NOT hearing from that guy
anyway.
2) "Call me on that day and we'll set a time for the date"
Translation: "Yeah, well...I think I need some extra time to work
out the details of how I'm going to end up flaking out on you."
Let this person rearrange his or her sock drawer in peace.
3) "Oh, him/her? S/he's just a friend"
Let's assume for a moment, hopefully correctly, that you are not a
pathologically jealous loser. Fair enough? Okay, then...if you had
to ask this question, his or her "friend" ISN'T JUST A FRIEND.
And if the person of your affection DOES operate with his or her
"friends" in a manner that fuels speculation otherwise, why put
yourself through being concerned about it? Find someone with
integrity.
Which, of course, segues nicely into the next bullet point...
4) "I think we should just be friends"
Long utilized as a de facto standard by disinterested people
everywhere, this signals that all attraction is now lost--if there
ever was any to begin with.
Sometimes a person really, truly does want to remain friends with
someone despite an utter lack of romant-o-sexual(TM) chemistry. But
probably not. Instead, he or she really just doesn't want to hurt
someone else's feelings--especially when that other person is so
"nice".
As such, this line is typically employed an allegedly "nice" way to
actually end things.
5) "I'm not ready for a relationship"
Followed mentally by, "...at least not until someone comes along who
is more targeted towards who I am looking for than you are."
Argue with me if you must on this one. I've seen people who were
just "hurt badly" by someone, "focused on work" and/or "getting in
touch with self right now" meet someone who really rocks their world.
Sure enough, right then and there all of that crazy talk about "not
being ready" goes out the window.
Deep down, unless we are in a coma we all are ready to "relate" to
someone--as long as it's the right someone.
6) "Maybe"
But most likely NOT. People who are interested don't use this word
with you unless they are major game players. In either case, find
someone else to spend your valuable energy on.
7) "I've been really busy"
This is simply metaphorical for "you are not a priority". You and
I both know that it's basic human nature to move mountains in order
to create huge blocks of time out of the "busiest" of schedules
when we meet someone we are truly crazy about. Don't shout me down
for telling the truth.
8) "I have to be home early and/or get up early tomorrow"
Ah, yes...the trickiest one of all. Sometimes this one really is
TRUE. What a bummer to have to play this card at face value.
After all, most of the time this is what falls out of the mouth of
someone who wants to bail out of a date IMMEDIATELY.
So how can you tell the difference? Simple. If it comes out of
LEFT FIELD and without any elaboration, there's a 100% chance he or
she wants to bail out...now.
On the other hand, if you are told ahead of time about it you can
put some stock in the statement...ESPECIALLY if he or she bends rules
a bit when the pre-determined hour arrives and chooses to stay out a
bit later.
Additionally, when someone legitimately has to get home early you
are likely to be BOMBARDED with heartfelt apologies and proactive
suggestions about when and where to see you again.
I know that most of you have heard some of these examples before.
In fact, I'm willing to bet that you've even uttered some of them
yourself.
Either way, it usually comes down to something a bit more complex
than a simple desire to be blatantly deceitful just for the heck of
it, doesn't it?
I believe all this "smoke blowing" is rooted in nothing other than
sheer cowardice. People just don't have the guts to tell other
people the truth.
So they lie.
My stand on the matter is that we're all adults around here and
tactful positioning of the TRUTH is always more productive for
everyone involved in the dating world than laying false hope on
someone.
Never mind that whoever is subject to such mental gymnastics would
have to be naïve and/or flat-out obsessed to believe any of it.
That's beside the point.
Yet, many of us are serving up more "whoppers" than Burger King
when it comes to dealing with people who are interested in us.
Stop that. Be honest with people.
And be honest with YOURSELF when you are hearing any of the lines
above. What we often consider "tried and true" lines to feed one
another are actually "tired and FALSE".
Deserve what you want.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. Did you miss out on that webinar on "How To Be The Most
Interesting Man In The World" the other night? Well, if so it was
EPIC.
And YES...you can listen to the replay (or download it as an MP3)
from the same link:
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