[X&Y] Do You Really Have To Be "Alpha" All The Time?
Published: Mon, 10/18/10
X & Y COMMUNICATIONS WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
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WHAT'S INSIDE: We're told we need to be "alpha". But can you
really be "top dog" in every situation, all the time?=====
WEBINAR THIS THURSDAY: THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD
DATE: Thursday, 21 October
TIME: 9:00 pm Eastern Daylight Time (GMT -4) / 6:00 pm Pacific
Daylight Time
You guys were ALL OVER that last call we did, so naturally we've
got more webinars coming for you.
As a matter of fact, you're cordially invited to join me along with
fellow X & Y Communications coaches Joe Jensen and Jim Dalton THIS
THURSDAY, October 21st for an in-depth discussion on "How To Be The
Most Interesting Man In The World".
All the details you need are right here:
Now, I'm sure you've seen the beer commercials featuring "The Most
Interesting Man In The World". If you're outside of North America
and haven't seen them, search YouTube and I'm sure you'll find a
few.
Knowing how powerfully women respond to a man with an interesting
life who can bring a bit of excitement to the table, we put our
heads together and figured out it was time to empower every man
within listening range with the ability to kick up his lifestyle to
the next level.
And don't kid yourself...you CAN be a more interesting man. Better
yet, you can make it happen almost IMMEDIATELY.
Take it from Joe, Jim and me...ALL OF US have found ourselves living
pretty boring "woman free" lives at one point or another, and ALL
OF US have also gotten the heck out of that predicament.
From there, life has been pretty good. Go figure...
So how do you make the shift? It all starts with a decision to
act, combined with a good plan of action to go along with it.
You'll get some clear insight into exactly how it all works this
Thursday at 9p Eastern:
Be there or, well...be square.
And now, on a related note here's today's newsletter topic...
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DO YOU HAVE TO BE "ALPHA" ALL THE TIME?
It's one of the most oft-discussed themes in all of men's dating
advice, isn't it?
Women love a guy who's the "alpha male".
He is, of course, the man who comes off as the leader in a room
full of guys. He's the most confident--and competent--dog in the
pack, who all the other pups look up to.
Now let's get one thing straight before we dive into today's topic.
I'm NOT going to dispute that being the "head of the dragon" isn't
immensely and inherently attractive to women.
After all, nothing signals "protector" and "provider" more
effectively than a man who is respected and followed by his peers.
But here's the problem.
Although most of us can picture what an "alpha male" looks like,
most of us have never stopped to consider some of the nuances
associated with actually (or at least potentially) BEING "alpha"
ourselves.
For example, we may observe other apparently "alpha" guys and
wonder how much of it all is an 'act' versus coming from a position
of authenticity.
And if it's somehow the latter, how on earth is a guy supposed to
be "alpha" ALL THE FLIPPIN' TIME?
I mean, does that other guy EVER feel like a proverbial "fish out
of water", or is he somehow blessed with perpetual "alpha-ness"
wherever he goes?
Instinctively, we know he can't POSSIBLY be the most competent,
confident guy in the room in EVERY CONTEXT life throws at him right?
Indeed, we've all seen race car drivers smoke an entire field of
their peers like Christmas Turkeys at a big race, only to get an
ESPN mic in their face and start stammering awkwardly through the
post race interview.
Have we ever.
And here's the danger. Having seen that scenario play out before,
we might focus so much on being "alpha"--as defined by our areas of
confident competence--that we NEVER try anything new EVER AGAIN.
What do I mean by that?
Well, let's consider that same race car driver for a second.
He may get used to being revered for his core talent and consider
any potential exposure of vulnerability in another area to be a
potential threat to his "status", be it social, professional or
otherwise.
Therefore, knowing he's not so good at interviews, he stops
granting them.
In his mind, this stance would "insulate his 'alpha-ness'".
I think A LOT of us as guys think along these same lines.
We carve out our niche, as it were, and we tend to STAY THERE.
And without question, that helps us to keep looking competent and
therefore keeps our "status" secure...at least apparently.
And sure enough, our peers and the pretty women around us love us
for the time being.
But see, there's only one problem with all of that.
Running with that method of operation all but ensures that we'll
get more and more BORING as the weeks, months and years go by.
And what's arguably worse, it makes sure we'll get more and more
BORED as the weeks, months and years go by.
Here's something I've personally learned over time.
Sure, there are some things I'm pretty good at. And when I'm in my
"element" socially relative to those skills I have, I can occur to
others as "alpha".
But...(and this is a big BUT), as soon as I DIRECTLY equate "alpha"
with "competence" I tend to build a cocoon for myself.
This keeps me from trying ANYTHING new. And what a waste of
valuable time that is.
So having weighed the pros and cons of "looking competent" versus
experiencing amazing new adventures in life, I chose the
latter...hands down.
In the real world, this meant hopping on a plane and turning up in
some foreign country--with absolutely NOT ENOUGH competence in
navigating from the airport to the city center, let alone speaking
the language.
This also meant picking up a lacrosse stick for the first time in
27 years--when most of the guys I'm on the field with weren't even
born 27 years ago...only to literally have them run circles around me
and knock me on my backside a few times.
And it also meant taking my first flying lesson after years of
being an airplane enthusiast--and quickly figuring out I know almost
NOTHING after all.
Guess what? In each of the above situations (and many others,
believe me) I was NOT the most competent guy in the group. In
fact, far from it.
But oddly, Emily didn't lose attraction for me. And odder still, I
didn't lose the respect of other men around me.
If anything, the sentiments of other key people toward me
improved...as in "for the better".
How can this be?
Well, here's what I think. Ultimately, being "alpha" really isn't
about how COMPETENT you are.
It may not even be about how CONFIDENT you are.
I mean think about it. There's really nothing worse than being the
guy who tries to act like a "know it all" when he's really
clueless. Geez.
This is where the classic definition of the term "alpha" ceases to
be useful, and cool guys know this.
So what's the true meaning of "alpha" for a guy who wants to
immerse himself in new experiences?
Well, why not start thinking in terms of what you REALLY want
socially? What is REALLY the point?
Is it to be "dominant"? If so, you'd better not stray far from
what you're already pretty darned goo at.
But is what you REALLY want to be influential among your peers and
attractive to women?
If that sounds more like it, then what you want is more CONTENTMENT
with your true identity.
This gives you sober judgment in terms of where your competence
really lies, and if anything allows you to enjoy and appreciate
what others have to teach you.
That, in turn, is what gives you TRUE CONFIDENCE...regardless of
whatever situation in particular you find yourself in.
That confidence is NEVER dependent on outward circumstance, but
rather truly comes from within. Very nice.
So ironically, it could be that true "alpha-ness" is built on an
INNER CONFIEDENCE, but also on focusing OUTWARD socially rather
than INWARD.
You gain all-important social influence by helping others feel
better about themselves and their expertise, even as you freely
share what you're competent at with others when you can and should.
Here's an example.
Consider an incumbent head of state who's up for reelection. He
travels the country visiting various towns and shaking hands.
Along the way, townspeople wherever he goes may be very proud to
introduce them to their "favorite sons" and show off what the town
is known for.
So when the nation's leader is visiting that local widget factory,
is he going to purport that he knows more about said widgets and
their manufacturing process than the resident experts?
Of course not. He'd pretty much look foolishly arrogant if he did.
Then again, is he suddenly unfit to be the "leader" of his nation
because someone knows more about widgets than he does? Hardly.
The wise leader pays close attention, asks the widget-meisters lots
of questions, and walks away having made others feel smart...all the
while getting smarter himself.
It's a win/win. And make no mistake...he leaves that town infused
with greater power than when he arrived.
The irony of it all? Think outwardly, carry yourself with
dignified respect and a student's curiosity even when you're not
the "expert", and you'll do more for your social status AND your
sexual attractiveness than being the classic definition of "alpha"
ever will.
And you'll be a heck of a lot more interesting a guy...all while
having way more fun in life.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. Remember always, the very worst fault you as a human being
can have is to not be teachable. As such, you're pretty much left
with all of your other faults for the rest of your life, right?
P.P.S. YES...look for some very practical applications of what we
talked about today on Thursday's webinar.
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Questions? Feel free to send yours to scot@deservewhatyouwant.com
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