[X&Y] Is Your Sexual Presence Offensive To Women?
Published: Sun, 01/23/11
X & Y COMMUNICATIONS WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
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WHAT'S INSIDE: Is your sexuality inherently threatening to a
woman? Instinctively, we know it can't be--at least at its essence--or there
wouldn't be six billion of us here on Earth.
So why is it that we're so afraid of offending women with our
masculinity? Could it be we simply are confusing "sex" with
"sexuality"?
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We've been on a roll lately answering YOUR questions, so why stop
now? Let's hear from Patrick in Edmonton.=====
READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
Scot:
I've read your latest e-book,Chick Whispering, plus listened to a
few of your podcasts, and they are all great. You always invitequestions, which I think is also great, so I'm going to take the
opportunity to ask one.
You talk a lot about letting out the natural masculinity in all of
us. That's got me thinking about how I constantly self-censor
myself around women by giving a neutered response to what's going
on around me instead of my natural inclination, which is to respond
with sexual innuendo (if the situation could safely call for it).
The reason I do this is because I don't want to come off as
offensive, or worse, a threat to women.
You also talk about the fact that women need to feel that they are
safe around the guys they are with.
My question is how do I imbue my responses with sexual overtones
(and thus convey my masculinity), while at the same time not making
myself seem offensive or threatening to women?
In other words, how can I be unapologetically masculine without
seeming to be a threat?
Patrick (Edmonton, Alberta)
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Hello Patrick:
A lot of guys deal with exactly what you're talking about, so I'm
glad you asked about it.
I'll begin my answer to your question with this. Imagine if all
the women of the world stopped being feminine because they thought
you'd be offended by it.
Instead, they wore Levi's jeans, white button-down shirts, got
generic haircuts and stopped wearing makeup, high heels and
jewelry.
They sat straight in their chairs with their hands folded and
talked about CNN and the weather.
Would they be doing the right thing? Would that make you feel more
"comfortable" with them?
Indeed, if sexual polarity ceased to exist altogether, would the
world be a more "date friendly" place?
The question is ridiculous to even ask, isn't it?
We've all got to remember that the ONLY reason masculinity even
MATTERS is because femininity exists as its polarity.
The very idea of being "unapologetically masculine", worded as
such, presumes that the very people masculinity is designed to
attract will somehow be repulsed by it.
The truth is there are two types of people in this world. Those
who are attracted to men, and those who aren't. You aren't.
But it's a mistake to think that women are like you.
Women want men.
Ironically, the only "apology" you'd ever owe any woman when it
comes to all of this would be when you FAIL to deliver on the
basic pride (and outward appearance to match) of being a man.
Further, masculinity as defined by women is NOT a violent,
offensive, destructive force. Masculinity is simply the essence of
maleness--that which ignites femininity.
Men who show strong leadership, demonstrate deft decision-making
power and who build well-formed (and dare I say compassionate)
plans to STOP violent, offensive and destructive forces (which are
but a perversion of masculine power) are indeed masculine.
All of that said, I want to clarify something that's an IMMENSELY
important piece of the puzzle here...especially as you've laid it out
on the table.
Being masculine has NOTHING to do, at least directly and/or
definitively, with "imbueing responses with sexual overtones".
You need not turn the conversation toward sex in order to turn a
woman on any more than she necessarily needs to do so in order to
communicate her inherently sexually-charged femininity to you.
And nor SHOULD you. Nothing would communicate more strongly to a
woman that you DON'T GET IT.
In other words, simply talking about sex--either directly or
indirectly--doesn't positively affect sexual attraction any more
than a car salesman telling you that you should buy a certain car
makes you want to actually BUY it any more than you did before.
And that goes DOUBLE if the car salesman pushes the issue too early
and or too aggressively...coming off as if it's all about him.
Everyone knows it's the CAR ITSELF that makes you want to buy it.
Once you WANT the car, nobody has to talk you into it.
Sexual desire on a woman's part is NO DIFFERENT.
So when it comes to creating that DESIRE in women effectively, you
simply go about the business of coming off as a masculine man
rather than a neuter human being.
That is, you REPRESENT to women what WOMEN WANT (and I gave you
some solid examples above).
I promise that the sexual polarity that results will take care of
creating attraction all by itself.
The mistake men make here is to confuse SEX with SEXUALITY.
And a woman's feminine sexuality MUST be drawn to your masculine
sexuality BEFORE any discussion of "activities" that might come as
a result of that can become fair-game for discussion.
You must never, ever imply that sexual behavior is imminent (either
directly or by innuendo) until you know that she is attracted (i.e.
by your core masculine nature) and that she knows you have her
general best interest at heart (i.e. you are genuinely interested
in protecting her rather than using her sexuality for personal
gain).
In almost every single instance, it's putting the cart before the
horse that's offensive to women.
Basically, that causes you to come off like that desperate car
salesman who is all about making the sale whether she really wants
his slow-selling car or not.
So, even though women truly do want sheet-ripping sex as much as we
do as men (if not more so), what they surely DON'T want is to be
used as masturbation tools and nothing else.
This shouldn't be so much of a mystery to us because it's actually
not a gender-specific reaction at all. We as men are really no
different at the psycho-emotional level.
Think of it this way. Most men LOVE to be seen as an effective
provider for women, but only when we know she appreciates
EVERYTHING about us as men and is willing to reciprocate fully with
the wonderful benefits she brings to us as a woman.
And what if we go out with a woman who clearly sees us as nothing
more than a human ATM machine? Well, we resent that, of
course...and only a man with horribly low self-respect will
continue to endure such a relationship.
So to summarize, being a masculine sexual presence is anything BUT
offensive or threatening to women.
On the other hand, indications that you may only be interested in
using women for sexual gratification ARE both offensive AND
threatening to them.
However, when we are "big four" men who also happen to place a
great value on high-quality femininity and deeply understand the
manifold gifts that a great woman brings to the table, we have
nothing to worry about.
Women who are "offended" under those circumstances are the ones
with the problem. And thankfully that's a rare occurrence,
especially when we're talking about high-quality women.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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