[X&Y] So Is She BORING, Or Just BORED? (Reader Question)
Published: Wed, 09/28/11
X & Y COMMUNICATIONS NEWSLETTER FOR MEN
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IN THIS EDITION: Wait a minute...aren't some women BORING on dates
simply because they aren't all that interested? A reader asks aVERY good question...
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And now here's a powerful e-mail comment from Mark in Norway in
response to my recent newsletter on why even high quality women can
be flat-out BORING on dates...
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
Heya Scot:
Good last two emails. They were the first in a while by anyone
that really made a difference in my approach
The leadership/neediness thing is quite a key. And it is as you say
all about not hinging on her every response but simply LEADING with
confidence.
And the idea of girls being BORING purposely I've always seen as
lack of attraction but you've put me straight on that by suggesting
in fact it's the opposite.
Cheers,
Mark (Norway)
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Hello Mark, and thanks for writing. It's always great to hear
from Norway, having made tons of friends when I spoke at a
conference there last year.
Man, I've got to tell you...now that there are close to 50K of y'all
reading his newsletter it tends to be ABUNDANTLY CLEAR when I've
left out a key detail here in there when writing to you guys.
That's because you guys ALWAYS tend to "fill in the blanks" by
pointing out that which was left unanswered...and this is one of
those instances, for sure.
So yes, your comments bring up a REALLY good point.
After all, even though what I talked about recently with regard to
women coming off as BORING on first dates because they're WAITING
for us as guys to take the lead is valid...it's not ALWAYS what's
going on there.
I actually think that what you've been thinking all along can be
100% correct...at least SOMETIMES.
A woman can and will be BORING on a first date because she's
flat-out uninterested in you. Therefore, she makes ZERO effort.
In her mind the date truly can't end soon enough.
Hey, this makes sense. After all, that's NOT a gender specific
mindset by any stretch.
We do the same thing when we're completely, utterly NOT into a
woman who's sitting in front of us on a date.
So then, here's the BIG question: How on Earth can a mere mortal
tell the difference? Is she REALLY attracted or REALLY not?
Let me offer two VERY concrete ways to sort this all out quickly
and effectively.
First, you've got to figure out whether she's actually BORING or
just BORED.
There's a rather significant difference between the two.
Examine her body language and general demeanor.
Does she appear to be engaged and interested, smiling and paying
attention?
If so, she's probably INTERESTED...and indeed she's either waiting
for you to take the lead and/or is just not a sparkling
conversationalist, at least until you get her to come out of her
shell a bit.
That's why she'll come off to you as BORING.
BUT...if she seems "distant", is looking away quite a bit and/or has
an aura of consternation surrounding her, she's probably BORED
(i.e. she finds YOU uninteresting).
The second way to figure out the difference is equally
important...and laughably simple.
Have the two of you MET EACH OTHER before or even hung out together
a bit?
If so, you can bet she wouldn't be on the date AT ALL were she
uninterested.
And you also have at least somewhat of an idea of what her
personality is like when she's in her "natural habitat".
I can only assume she hasn't occurred to you as boring in the past,
or else you wouldn't be interested in her...or at the very least you
wouldn't be confused by how boring she is on that first actual
"date".
So then, it's pretty reliable in that case that she's coming off as
boring due to the reasons I discussed earlier in the week...she's
ATTRACTED and wants you to lead.
BUT...if you've met online and are on a "first meeting" (or any other
type of blind date, for that matter) you can't make that assumption.
If and when you're meeting face-to-face for the first time, you've
got to rely solely on the first indicator above.
Remember as well that when a woman is UNATTRACTED she's going to
deploy extreme "throttle control".
That is, she's going to scale back ALL of her charm lest she not
lead you on in any way, shape or form. That, again, is a human
tendency--not just a female one.
It's really as simple as that. Thanks again for asking such a
GREAT question...and helping me see where some important
clarification was indeed necessary.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. Some of you guys who are new to this newsletter have been
asking about Facebook. You can catch up with us at our FB page
here (and catch up on select "back issues" of this newsletter,
also):
I have a f-r-e-e report for you there too on how to re-connect with
women from your past (using Facebook, of course).
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