[X&Y] Getting Women To "Compete" For You <-- Reader Question
Published: Tue, 06/19/12
X & Y COMMUNICATIONS NEWSLETTER FOR MEN
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WHAT'S INSIDE: We as men are naturally competitive beings. That's
why we love sports and love to win. But what about women? Will they compete for a man? And what's
more, do they actually LIKE it that way?
And what about when you actually have a girlfriend...should she ever
actually "win" you?
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
Hi Scot,
After a ton of fun dating multiple women I've gone exclusive with a
phenomenal girl.
First of all - thank you for coaching me to raise my standards and
deserve what I want. Your material and your teaching style works
100% and it has made a difference to EVERY aspect of my life.
I was at a salsa dancing class last night without my girlfriend. I
had two different women ask me out for a drink, one an older
divorcee, the other a younger student. Being a "Big Four" man
really is a universal attractor.
Obviously I politely declined both and later told my girlfriend.
That got me thinking about something you mention a fair bit; that
women say they want a man to themselves, but often they actually
will compete for a man.
My question is how does that dynamic work, especially in an
exclusive LTR?
I see my future with my girlfriend. I don't want anyone else. And
I make that clear to her! So how do you keep a woman's urge to
compete for her man satiated?
Cheers,
Rob (Rapid City, SD)
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Hello Rob:
Your question is a good one. The best way to answer it would be to
explore the idea of a woman actually WANTING to "compete" for you,
as you implied the last sentence of your message.
The desire to compete is firmly rooted in masculinity. So, I'm
pretty sure that women don't really WANT to compete at all. In
fact, they detest it.
But they sure will do it if they sense you are the man they want
long term, won't they?
Perhaps surprisingly, the actual central concept at play here is
really not gender specific.
People "buy" on the approval of others. Neither we as guys nor
women want someone whom nobody else seems to be attracted to.
But when someone is attractive to someone else, that validates our
attraction toward them in our own mind.
This is exactly why back in high school or college it seemed like
we could go dateless for weeks or months, only to have women come
out of the woodwork flirting and showing interest once we actually
got a girlfriend.
Frustrating, wasn't it? I mean, where WERE all those women before?
Well, they were always there but they only began to take real
notice of you AFTER another woman did.
And hey...it's not like most men are comfortable approaching
women they're attracted to, so the waters were never really tested
there anyway, most likely.
For the record here, a man can and should be proactive about
flirting with women and creating attraction when he doesn't yet
have a girlfriend, because the interest he generates in women by
doing so will indeed be noticed by other women.
So indeed, much of the same positive effect we're talking about
here can be created in that manner as well.
But either way, there's really no question about it: When it comes
to attraction, the rich really do get richer.
That's one of the reasons why I always say, "If you can attract one
high quality woman, you can attract many more".
If you have a high quality woman interested, it's almost never a
fluke. And yes...it also naturally intrigues other women.
So I think it's absolutely a good thing that your woman knows that
other women are into you. But obviously, you've still got to make
her feel safe and comfortable in your presence as a "big four" man.
As such, when you mention that someone showed interest in you but
that you declined to reciprocate that interest it actually does
two things.
First, it reinforces her attraction for you in the way we've
discussed above.
But your willingness to share the story and how you handled it also
demonstrates to her that you're willing to communicate with her and
tell her the truth about what goes on when she's not with you.
A woman LOVES having that warm fuzzy feeling, knowing she have a
guy like that in her life.
It's a positive thing to be attractive to other MOTOS (members of
the opposite sex). How you HANDLE that attraction is what dictates
whether the woman in your life will adore you even more or morph
into a jealous virago.
As always, it's how you LEAD that affects the climate of your
relationship. And Rob it sounds like you're doing a great job.
And my educated guess is that it's EASY for you to run things as
you have been.
After all, when you truly have the greatest woman you've ever known
in your life, refusing to act on interest from other women is not
only perfectly natural, it's your logical preference.
Believe me, that only escalates your woman's attraction for you
EVEN further. She knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that you've
CHOSEN her from among many options.
And the effect that has on HER confidence can't be underestimated,
right?
Add it all up and you've stockpiled even MORE reasons why
"settling" never does EITHER partner any good at all.
So now that we've described the dynamics of what tends to go on
relative to the topic you brought up, only the objective answer to
your most pressing question remains.
Does your woman really need to CONTINUE to compete for you in order
to feel satisfied?
Well, as I said I don't believe women LIKE to compete, even though
they will.
At some point she needs to know she WON, just like you do.
I mean, regardless of what other dating experts tend to say about
"never allowing oneself to be fully 'caught'" you just can't go
through life feeling as if you could lose your significant other to
someone else at any given moment.
That sucks.
Then again, allowing her to feel as if she "won" you doesn't mean
you've been "conquered". You don't ever want to become henpecked
and subject to her every whim, of course.
Rather, it only means that you continuously make it clear that the
CHOICE has been made by YOU to select her--preferably from a
position of strength (i.e. abundance) rather than weakness (i.e.
desperation).
When she hears about other women respond positively to you or sees
it first hand--and yet you continue to favor her--that more than
does the job.
Rock on, my good man.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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