[X&Y] Letter From A Woman: How The UNTHINKABLE Happens
Published: Thu, 11/01/12
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WHAT'S INSIDE: Here's proof positive of why you have GOT to have
solid relationship management skills. If you don't, something crazylike what you're going to read about below is more than likely to
happen.
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LETTER FROM A WOMAN: HOW THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENS
"And you may ask yourself, 'Well, how did I get here?' ...This is
not my beautiful house. ...This is not my beautiful wife!'"
--"Once In A Lifetime", Talking Heads
Today we're going to mix things up a bit. Typically in this space
I'll either write about some original point I've not heard
discussed elsewhere, or I'll respond to your questions and comments.
Today I'm going to do both. The truth is that I received a letter
recently from a woman that was so poignant that I feel it warrants some
serious discussion. Here's how it goes:
Hello Scot,
Thank you for all the help and information in your regular e-mails
over the past couple months. They have been really helpful in
helping me understand guys.
Here is my question today:
A little background first. My boyfriend and I have been dating for
1 year and 9 months.
Anyway, in April of this year he brought up the subject of moving in
together--in fact, he brought up the idea of us buying a house
together.
For about 2 months that was what we were planning on doing until he
told me (out of nowhere) that he didn't think we should move in
together anymore.
He came up with lots of excuses, like he wasn't sure if he morally
believes in it, his family wouldn't like it (they are very religious),
he thought it would put too much negative stress on our relationship,
and he didn't think it was the right time to do that.
What are your thoughts on this situation?
When he told me he had changed his mind I was devastated and I
think I lost a lot of trust in him. Also, I think I am still angry
and distrusting of him now as I find myself getting angry at him
very easily now for things I never would have before.
I also find myself kind of uneasy around him now as I worry what he
will tell me next, almost like I am expecting him to disappoint me
at every turn.
I don't like feeling like this and I don't like feeling angry at him.
Also, he doesn't even realize that this is how I feel. What should I
do?
Anyway, something else that is bothering me is that my boyfriend
has never really brought up the idea of marriage or kids.
We have almost been dating for 2 years and I don't really know if he
wants marriage and kids in his life one day. I assume he does since
he comes from a religious family that considers marriage important.
He has never specifically said that he wants to get married. Also
I guess what I want to hear from him is that marriage and kids are
something he wants and that he can see those things happening with
me.
How do I bring this up with him without freaking him out?
Also, do you think it's a good idea to bring this stuff up at this
point in our relationship? If he doesn't want these things I want
to know now so that I don't waste my time on a relationship where
we don't have the same long-term goals.
Thank you very much for all your help. Sorry this is so long but I
wanted to put lots of detail into it.
Jennifer (Davenport, IA)
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Most of you out there, I'm sure, are already throwing soda cans and
rotten veggies at your computer monitors.
Yeah, I know...there's an obvious issue here. I answered Jennifer
offline and shared with her what she needed to know.
My reason for sharing her e-mail with you, however, transcends the
objective answers I gave her.
So rest assured that I'm not going to lull you to sleep by simply
stating, for example, that these two have a profound communication
problem.
Also, I invite you to suspend your disbelief that he's even
interested in marrying her someday.
Instead, feel free to throw your hands up in the air and ponder with
me the much more significant issue at play here: "How on Earth do
two people date for almost two friggin' years and not ever have THAT
STUFF EVEN COME UP?"
I mean, that's practically unthinkable.
Yet, the answer struck me almost immediately upon reading the email,
and has haunted me for 48 hours.
The truth is that it's so blasted easy to get into a situation like
Jennifer's that it's no wonder at all, really, that it goes on...a
lot.
Maybe even in your life.
So how DID those two manage to avoid major questions of basic
worldview and compatibility for THAT LONG? And more importantly,
what 20/20 hindsight is there that could have prevented this?
Well, in my mind it's easy to discern that Jennifer's boyfriend has
"failed to deploy" in a crucial but all-too-often overlooked area:
relationship management.
And it's not that he's a bad guy. The issue is that he prepared
himself with an excellent strategy for his first couple dates or so
with Jennifer. BUT...he sort of never adjusted those strategies as
the relationship progressed.
That's not a good plan.
I think we've all heard about the guy who tends to sabotage his first
conversations with women by talking about "heavy" stuff like politics,
religion, etc.
Heck, some of us have actually BEEN that guy.
And just like I'd say to the woman who stereotypically asks about
marriage and having kids on the first date, you absolutely want to
avoid "long term" or "loaded" discussions for the first couple of
dates.
Keeping things light as two people are just getting to know one
another helps build comfort and keeps people from creeping each
other out.
Fair enough.
But here's the danger there. A couple who starts a relationship will
VERY QUICKLY form habits together that will likely last as long as
the relationship itself does.
By as soon as a couple of weeks in, the couple could already have a
pattern of thought and/or behavior in place that is set to repeat
itself indefinitely.
And if that pattern is not dealt with and adjusted if need be at that
time, at around the six-month mark those habits are all but indelibly
stamped on the relationship.
For example, if you and your new friend go back to the apartment to
"chill and watch movies" for two or three dates in a row early on you
may find yourself doing ONLY THAT all the time. You'll be in a rut,
and the relationship will get boring.
Pretty deep stuff, isn't this?
But hang in there with me. What comes next could be potentially
life-altering insight for many of you.
Notice that Jennifer is utterly nonplussed (like we are) as to how
SO MANY incredibly important things NEVER got talked about.
And nowadays, she is wondering if it's "okay" to even address the
important subjects with her boyfriend without "freaking him out".
She has been ready and willing to hit the hard questions all along,
but her boyfriend has FAILED TO LEAD in that area. Ever since the
first few dates--back when it was a GOOD IDEA to set the topics of
long-term importance on the back burner--he has not modified the
flow of the conversation in the relationship.
Two dates turned into three dates...and into six dates...then into six
months.
So the important ideas NEVER got talked about. For whatever reason,
Jennifer's boyfriend preferred to keep his head in the sand regarding
the major compatibility questions rather than open the conversation.
And that turned out to be the mold that the cement that formed the
relationship was ultimately poured into.
Nowadays they're indeed in a "rut" there. Basically, the precedent
has been set.
Is it that he's insecure about losing her? Perhaps...after all he
originally went against his basic moral code regarding moving in
together before reversing himself.
But even this reversal was handled with a lack of communication,
wasn't it?
Meanwhile, Jennifer is offering a breathtaking demonstration of
exactly how important it is to a woman for a man to show leadership
skill.
Could she have chimed in on this stuff a lot earlier? Sure.
But what she wants is a MAN. A MAN who can lead. A MAN who can make
decisions and give her a secure feeling in his presence.
His lack of leadership in managing the relationship has morphed into
what appears to be utter lack of courage in dealing with important
questions that will define the viability of the entire relationship.
And nearly two years into this thing, he is showing no signs of
getting out of that "rut".
Still at Square One, basically, Jennifer is left to finally stand
up and say "enough is enough", as long as it's, uh... "okay" (???) to
do so.
Relationship management skill is all-important. And the time to
consider what all is entailed is BEFORE you meet someone you want
to share a significant amount of your life with.
You've GOT to be the quarterback of the relationship, or else
you'll end up being a "bench warmer".
This is why my program The Leading Man has proven to be so
immensely valuable to so many men:
You've not only got to know how to choose high quality women,
you've got to know how to be the MAN who understands how to lead
in a relationship once you've chosen her.
Understanding the "secret" language of women. Not falling into traps.
Handling conflict. Knowing what to do when crises inevitably happen.
Getting all of those situations right is MISSION CRITICAL, as is--
of course--simply knowing how to lead the way to long-term happiness
and fulfillment together.
It's all there in The Leading Man:
That coupon code tlm50off I announced two days ago is still live,
but only for another 48 hours. You can use it to get a full 50% off:
Don't let things "just happen" and end up in a highly disappointing
and potentially time-wasting scenario like Jennifer and her boyfriend.
Life is WAY too short for that, wouldn't you agree?
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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