[X&Y] "Have I 'Pulverized' Her?" (Reader Question)
Published: Mon, 12/17/12
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IN THIS ISSUE: If something isn't working...should you do twice as much
of it?
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS: "HAVE I 'PULVERIZED' HER?"
Hi Scot,
Thank you very much for all your e-mails on dating. But I was a bit
too late to read them because I had already lost the girl that I
loved.
I chased her (she even told me beforehand not to chase her), and
preached to her.
Maybe this was my mistake, even if it wasn't I don't have much
money,(I'm on social security and have a very small check, and I
walk with two canes (although by next spring I may be able to
walk without canes.)
This lady was my therapist, and I loved her deeply...even though I
was never able to date her once. I wrote her five love letters and
gave them to her at work--she would not freely give me her address,
yet it's in the phone book.
On her last week at work I asked her for her address because I said
that I wanted to send her a gift. She said, "keep your money". And
there was another day that she said, "don't write me no more".
Yet this women is a lot like me.
We have so many similarities and like personalities. When I was
around her I felt so good and was happy. I could make her laugh
easily too.
Do I still have a chance with her, or have I pulverized her as
another lady therapist told me?
She likes her church very much; it's nondenominational and I'm
Baptist. And she read one of my sermons that I wrote which attacked
her bible. She could not read further.
Wow...! Have I lost her? Can I write her another letter, and send her
chocolate and roses for Christmas?
I had told her that I was going to get her diamond earrings for
Christmas and she said that if I did she would not accept them. Or
was it my walking abilities that she can't deal with?
When I get discharged from therapy I will look for a full time job
because I will need more money to make her feel more secure.
Maybe money is the issue, and not my disability. I've had two neck
surgeries, and don't drive. Yet my neck rotation I feel is good
enough to drive next year.
I will see my neurosurgeon in January. Well Scot, am I in any
condition for love?
I haven't dated in years. I'm 54 years old, and she's 40. I've had
sex only once, when I was 18.
She was once engaged to a wounded soldier, and then told me that
she fooled around. I told her that I understand what she did, and
that I was still interested in her. I hope that she gives me
another chance.
Sincerely Yours,
Harrison (Cheyenne, WY)
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Hello Harrison:
Wow, man. I almost don't know where to start.
But I'm getting more and more e-mails like yours, so I'm feeling
the need to go back to "fundamentals" a bit for the newsletter
here.
Call me crazy, but I'm feeling the need to make sure guys like you
(and others who may be reading) have some baseline stuff down
before we pick up with the "good" to "great" stuff some more.
So here it is, my good man. I've got to tell it to you like it is.
If chasing her profusely and trying to buy her affection wasn't
enough to permanently deep-six your chances with this woman (or ANY
woman, for that matter), you added fuel to the crash-and-burn when
you thumped her worldview over the head in a judgmental manner.
I mean, if you can only date Baptists, then that's all good. I can
respect that. So be it.
But please don't punish this poor woman for not meeting your
standards even as you are haranguing her for a date non-stop.
That's just bizarre.
Especially coupled with the fact that she has an admitted history
of cheating, but you can overlook that.
All of this is beside the point though, really.
So is your injury, and so is your financial situation.
Those are limiting beliefs that I can cite example after example of
guys overcoming successfully.
The heart of the issue here is this: Did you really think that
pouring out such a lugubrious display of puppy-love followed by a
summary indictment of her core belief system was going to GO WELL
for you here?
The problem here is that what you have done HASN'T WORKED, and your
apparently solution is to do TWICE AS MUCH OF IT.
This is the "management style" that has repeatedly tanked major
telecom companies, Internet start-ups, financial institutions and
even some small countries.
It looks to me like you are doing what you've always done, hoping
things will somehow turn out differently.
And as business author Rick Page said so eloquently, "hope is NOT a
strategy".
When something isn't working, you've got to FIND A NEW PLAN.
And more importantly, when a woman tells you very clearly and
specifically that she is NOT INTERESTED, you've got to seek your
fortune elsewhere rather than stalking her in the local phone
book.
There is no such thing as "another chance" with this woman because
there was no such thing as the FIRST chance.
I mean, she wasn't exactly giggling and playing with her hair even
as she coquettishly purred, "Well, I don't know..."
This woman has told you in no uncertain terms to LEAVE HER ALONE.
Do you realize that she probably dreads seeing you as a customer at
this point? Even her fellow co-workers appear to be doing what they
can to drive that message home to you--and in no uncertain terms, I
might add.
Sure, she may force a smile and be nice to you, but you are
CREEPING HER OUT every time you show up...followed invariably by
FRUSTRATING HER to no end.
Is that how you want to be perceived by women?
And is YOUR perception that those women are perceiving you
differently than I am suggesting?
If you cannot see that, you're going to have to trust me on this one.
In order to get this right from now on, the FIRST step is going to
be to work on your INNER GAME.
You've got more excuses than the Philadelphia Eagles this year, and
your game is about equally as futile as a result.
Until you are okay with who you are, you cannot expect a woman to
be either. Remember always: WOMEN FOLLOW YOUR LEAD.
To some degree, the fact that you are in physical therapy and the
woman you like is assigned as your therapist puts you naturally
subject to her lead from the start, which is a disadvantage.
And geez...I haven't even covered the part about how her
professional relationship to you likely prohibited her from
dating you to begin with. (And yes...that she has apparently
now left her job is of no consequence at this point.)
But ALL of these already considerable hurdles become nothing short
of insurmountable at the very moment when you feel you must buy
and/or otherwise beg for a woman's romantic attention.
By the way, where was the money for the diamond earrings going to
come from? Were you going to mortgage your future in some way in
an attempt to "buy" this woman's favor?
Please tell me you were kidding about that one.
Once you believe you are a man worth pursuing, you will STOP
CHASING and begin seeking to make women's days brighter as a
masculine, confident man without going for the "hard sell" up
front. The latter only makes you look desperate and needy.
Give women time to recognize what you should already know at that
point: that you are a man of high value who deserves a great
woman. Then you will have no problem.
But first, you've got to make sure you DESERVE WHAT YOU WANT.
This particular opportunity is a NON-opportunity, I'm afraid, but
NOW is the time to change your fortunes going forward.
You do this by LEADING. Lead by becoming the man who represents
the BIG FOUR (masculinity, confidence, ability to inspire
safety/security, and character).
Put aside the need to try to impress a woman and/or buy her stuff.
That only galvanizes her perception that you feel like you need to
impress her with "things" because you believe that who you are
isn't nearly enough to ever get the job done.
Someday, after A LOT of water has passed under the bridge, the
woman you've written me about may be naturally impressed if you
can be a "Big Four" guy. Then you may get a "Mulligan".
But don't bet the farm on that (or mortgage it for diamond
earrings).
Women are human beings just like you and me, and you've really dug
a deep hole for yourself here.
So work on the "Big Four" for the time being, and sooner than later
women will respond much more positively to you.
That's my promise to you. You only can go up from here, right?
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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OK, I'm going to lay it on the line here in a way you seldom see me
do in a newsletter.
Some of you guys out there are letting days, weeks, months and
years SLIP AWAY.
I am drowning in a mountain of e-mails from guys (some in their
forties or fifties) who have been MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES FOR
YEARS AND YEARS.
They tell me they want things to change. They tell me they want to
get better with women.
And when I answer their e-mails or talk to them on the phone, it's
with startling predictability that I soon discover these guys are
unwilling to sacrifice the comfort of the status quo in favor of
DOING ANYTHING about it.
When all is said and done, A LOT more is being SAID than DONE.
If you write me and want to see results, you can expect me to be
dedicated to helping you ACHIEVE those results.
Otherwise, if you're really more comfortable with being all alone
without the company of women in your life, don't play games with
yourself.
So my challenge tonight is for those of you who ACTUALLY want to
start seeing REAL success with women.
And I don't care if you are a 75 year-old virgin.
Then again, you may be more like the guy I talked to on Friday who
has been with more women than he can count, partied at the Playboy
Mansion and was literally HIRED by clubs to sit on premise and chat
up women (I'm not making this up).
THAT guy hired me because what he REALLY WANTS is one great woman
in his life.
Whoever you are, you KNOW what "success with women" means to you.
If you want me to stand in the gap with you and work with you
directly to ensure your success, you know what to do. Pick up
the phone or send an email to scot@deservewhatyouwant.com.
If you simply need the foundation necessary to attract, meet, and
BUILD REAL RELATIONSHIPS with high-quality women, then what you
need is The Leading Man:
http://www.the-leading-man.com/subscribers
Just for good measure, I'm going to GIVE YOU a 30-minute
consultation for free if you decide to respond powerfully
to the challenge I'm issuing in this email and MEAN IT.
That offer is good until Wednesday night.
In fact, grab a free month of Power Sessions with The Leading Man
and you'll also get a month of E-MAIL COACHING as well.
So let's recap this.
I'm feeling passionate about getting you to where you WANT to be
with women in your life.
I'm not talking about getting SOMEWHERE instead of NOWHERE.
I'm talking about getting you where you WANT to be.
You'll get The Leading Man PLUS a 30-minute LIVE 1-on-1 session
with me personally.
Don't kid yourself. I've issued the challenge. You can put me to
work for you, or you can stick with the "status quo".
Either way, the choice is yours.
The link is here:
http://www.the-leading-man.com/subscribers
This will be in effect until sometime on the night of the 19th for you.
Let me say I really look forward to talking to you and watching you
succeed. Will you step up and join ME in that desire to see YOU
succeed?
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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