[X&Y] Should You "Fake It Til' You Make It"?
Published: Mon, 04/01/13
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WHAT'S INSIDE: Is it like if we ever slip up--even once--we've
blown it? If that thought has ever crossed your mind (and for whom hasn't it?) you'll like what I'm about to tell you...
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
Hey Scot,
Just finished listening to your section in The Leading Man on crisis
management - that was awesome material - I look back at all the
mistakes I made in past relationships, and now it all makes sense
after listening to this.
One question I have for you is about how this woman I was in a
relationship with was shocked about how I was so calm about
everything. When this girl and I were together, she was like, "How
are you so calm?"
Like when my car broke down, or when she thought she was pregnant
and she wasn't, but I remained calm and kept my composure and she
couldn't believe it.
Even when we were apart for long parts at a time, and I couldn't see
her, I still kept my cool and was very calm. She kinda made me feel
guilty because she said she felt that I didn't show any emotion, and
like I wasn't human.
Should I have let that worry me?
But the fact was that I eventually broke down and lost my composure
because we had been going almost 2 months without seeing each other
after we had been seeing each other once a month for about 4 months
straight.
So tell me, this doesn't apply in my situation does it, would you be
able to keep your composure in this situation? I'm hard on myself
because I felt I should have, especially after you say to "never lose
your composure", but doesn't that happen to us all?
Bradley (Strasburg, VA)
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Thanks for your message, Bradley.
Taken in context, the concept of "never losing one's composure" is
ultra-important when approaching a woman for the first time and
certainly on first dates.
But rest assured, I think it's unreasonable to hold yourself to an
"iron standard" of never making mistakes...ever.
Certainly there is no mistaking the value of consistently
demonstrating the decidedly masculine traits of having things
handled, being emotionally strong and secure, and--of course--
being unshakable as often as possible, especially early on.
But here's the curious part. After the initial "evaluation
process" between you two has resolved itself, it can actually be a
GOOD THING for you to make a mistake or two along the way as far as
all of this is concerned.
Now we're not talking about major meltdowns, temper tantrums or axe
murders here. Those will be instant deal-breakers in the minds of
the vast majority of great women every time--and rightly so.
But what if you get cut off in traffic? Drop something heavy on your
foot? Maybe even have to deal with an unexpected face-to-face
meeting of her ex-stalker...errr...boyfriend?
Here's the deal. The question in a woman's mind is, "What's Real?"
whenever she meets a new guy. Both of you are likely on your best
behavior up front. But what's really under the hood? A woman wants to know from the
second you are introduced to her whether or not you really are a MAN.
From that moment onward for a period of, say two weeks to two months
(depending on how much time you spend together), she's paying careful
attention.
If you've played your cards right, you've presented yourself as the
confident, masculine man who can literally ignite her femininity.
But is that who you really are? Women have seen men fold under
pressure right and left before their very eyes. What she's looking
for is a comfort level that you are who you've appeared to be.
For the majority of women (or at least the emotionally healthy ones
I've interacted with), at the very point when she is convinced you
truly are the "real deal", the die is cast.
It's like a point of magical acceptance. The tests tend to ease up.
Your leadership is welcomed more warmly, sometimes in very dramatic
fashion--maybe in the form of complete sexual surrender. Attraction
isn't so easily lost.
And, importantly, the wildest of transformations occurs within your
relationship at that point.
From there, a misstep here and there when it comes to one's composure
kind of actually gives the woman some relief...she finds out right then
and there that you are "human".
This actually takes an immense amount of pressure off of her to be "Ms.
Perfect".
Why is this important? Well, yeah, you may have been perfectly
okay with an occasional faux pas or emotional overreaction on her
part...so wouldn't such a mindset on her part be overreaction?
Perhaps.
But remember, YOUR LEADERSHIP MATTERS.
To presume that you, as a man, must maintain a surrealistically
unblemished attitude for all time is not only unreasonable, it'll
seriously fry the circuits of any woman who tries to attempt a
relationship with you. It would be too much for ANYONE to live up
to...actually even YOU, big guy.
And the best news is that once you've gone ahead and "broken the
ice", your relationship may actually get STRONGER.
As for whether I would have kept my composure in your situation,
who can know for sure?
By the time Emily and I had known each other for about a month, I
had effectively maintained my masculine composure pretty well. And
similarly, she had been the stunning vision of femininity all the
while.
But I'll tell you, in our real world scenario there came along one
day where work didn't go so well.
I went to her house to pick her up, very ready to go have a cold one
at our favorite place.
But Emily proceeded to take exceptionally long to get ready.
Although she had asked me how the first outfit she tried on looked,
and I had answered honestly that it looked great, she proceeded to
continue changing clothes until I was nearly sure she had gone
through her entire closet.
It was then that my impatience got the best of me.
Nothing catastrophic happened to speak of, but a firm request to
put the first outfit back on and leave the house with me ASAP
would have been sufficient.
Still, I had that all-too-familiar twinge that I had really screwed
up. I had been "found out"...the jig was up. And it bugged me for
hours, even though Emily appeared to have graciously let the matter
go.
Finally, later that night I admitted to her that I would like to
have handled that earlier situation more effectively.
Her response was unforgettable: "Well it was about time you let
your guard down. I feel now like I can make a mistake or two along
the way and it won't be a big deal. There has been a lot of
pressure to keep up with you, you know."
It's 100% true: If you REALLY are a man, once your typical pattern
of behavior is recognized as authentic by a woman, you can show
some human imperfection here and there--and it's a WELCOME TWIST on
things.
That said, as always you know I have to challenge you by shining a
light on the other side of the equation. And here it is:
Unfortunately, this dynamic works EXACTLY THE SAME WAY when the
opposite is true.
Here's what I mean.
Contrast what we've talked about above with a guy who happens to
get a "routine" or "opener" right, and attracts the woman
initially. The harsh reality is that if he's actually a "wuss", he
is going to be exposed as less-than-suave sooner than later.
Once she finds that out, the rest is a matter of course: He's toast.
Again, it's all about where the consistency is.
Are you a man whose core is masculine and confident, despite the
occasional human error here and there?
Or are you "faking it until you make it", attempting to cover up
with pre-fabricated techniques?
Believe me when I tell you that most women would much rather you
"make it until you fake it", for what it's worth, as described
above.
And when it comes right down to it, isn't that a lot less pressure
on you anyway? Deserve what you want...and rest easy.
Be Good,
Scot
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Does Bradley in Virginia's situation resonate with you? If you're
like any other red-blooded guy (including me) it most definitely
does.
These kinds of "high quality issues" really do present themselves
only when we've first learned how to attract great women.
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Here is an undeniable truth: Whether you are sitting at home alone
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Some guys simply need to recognize and harness that which is latent
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Do you really, truly know where you stand? If you are not quite
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That's why I created the Ten-Plus program--specifically to give you
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Or do you believe you have just one major sticking point? You
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Perhaps you have a woman in your life who you think is slipping
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Or have you moved to a new country and want to experience the kind
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If so, let me tell you that I have recently redoubled my focus on
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Emily and I are both ready to be put to work for you.
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Make today the day you will forever mark in your calendar as the
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Be Good,
Scot McKay
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