[X&Y] When "Rejection" Isn't Your Fault...At All (Part Two)
Published: Thu, 05/23/13
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WHAT'S INSIDE: Here are six more situations when a woman's
"rejection" really has nothing to do with you personally. Once you
understand what goes on in a woman's head, it can empower you to a
place where you're way beyond approach anxiety.
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WHEN REJECTION ISN'T REALLY REJECTION AT ALL (PART TWO)
Last time we covered some of the "political" situations that can
keep a woman from accepting your invitation to go out with her.
Today, as promised, I'm following up with the "emotional" side of
things.
Here are six instances when you may not get the date, but it was
WHO SHE IS at her core that kept you from getting the desired
outcome as opposed to anything having to do with you at all.
Fasten your seat belts...this may very well be a wild ride:
1) She Has A Mental Block About Relationships
Look at you. Life is great, you love women, and you're generally
doing fine.
It's easy to think that because a woman looks good (make that
REALLY good) that things are going as well for her as they are for
you.
Not so fast, cowboy.
Tons of women look terrific on the outside, but are a total
emotional bird's nest internally. Among other factors, they may
have what lady gurus call "intimacy issues".
Translated, this means she's just not in the condition to be
one-half of a great relationship, and sometimes she may even fully
acknowledge that fact.
Maybe she's had negative experiences with a few "bad apples" out
there, and now thinks "all men are alike". Or maybe she just got
dumped by her "prince charming".
If the wounds are still fresh, she may be particularly prone to
passing on every opportunity to date that comes along.
And don't kid yourself. By "not in the condition to be one-half
of a great relationship" I'm not necessarily referring to "marriage",
although particularly sharp women seldom treat any type of "date"
as utterly devoid of future potential.
But on the other hand, might she be up for a "rebound fling" in the
name of making the last guy "pay"? Sure. All I'm saying is you
can't count on that.
2) Her Mood
This one looks and feels similar to #1 above, but is more focused
on where she is emotionally in the moment rather than as a result
of the cumulative effects of relationship issues.
Maybe she's still in a huff over what happened at work today.
Maybe she's cranky over something else you have no way of knowing
about.
Perhaps there's family drama or some other source of genuine stress
in her life.
The possibility even exists that she's straight-up not feeling sexy
today, and that's all there is to it.
But no matter what it is that's bugging her, she curtly dismisses
you when you approach her. For her the timing was just WRONG,
even though you had no reason to believe otherwise when you walked
up to her.
3) Her Limiting Beliefs
It's easy to think women have ALL THE ANSWERS when it comes to
dating and relationships, isn't it?
We're told that women are more intuitive and more socially astute
than we are.
We're led to believe that beautiful women have it all together and
have absolutely no problem finding tons of high quality guys.
Yeah, right. You should read Emily's e-mails sometime.
Even the most beautiful women can (and often do) view themselves as
wholly inadequate. As tragic and uncalled for as this is, it's
what goes on.
So get this: You--despite your own slate of "limiting beliefs"--may
very well be considered by her to be "out of her league".
Think I'm kidding? I need both hands to count the number of guys I
know whose online dating success SKYROCKETED as soon as they
started writing to the ABSOLUTE SHARPEST women in their metro areas
instead of the "average" ones.
There's no other solution to explain this weird phenomenon than the
one I just threw out on the table.
Bear in mind also the INTENSE PRESSURE women feel to conform to a
media-driven stereotype of what "beauty looks like".
This includes, among other preposterous notions, that women should
have six-pack abs and "shapely (read: 'flat') buttocks" in order to
be attractive to men.
Whatever.
Suffice it to say that most women can't stand the sight of
themselves naked, and therefore many of them can't bear the thought
of getting naked with a guy anytime soon...so they avoid dating
altogether.
That's right, you got it: Women can suffer from "analysis
paralysis" as easily as you can, buster. And once that "if/then
loop" gets to turnin', there's no stopping it.
If you doubt any of what I'm telling you, consider this. One of my
earliest newsletters was called "Why Motherhood Is Sexy". Women
e-mailed me in droves afterward telling me they had cried tears of
cathartic joy upon reading it.
4) Her Dark Secret
Have you ever considered that a woman may have a very real "secret"
that keeps her from going out with guys?
In many ways, this could theoretically fall under the "limiting
beliefs" department. The difference is that here I'm alluding
to stuff that might legitimately make you think twice about asking
her out.
A story comes to mind about a woman I heard about whose estranged
husband (in other words, they're still married) had developed the
habit of stalking the last few guys she had gone on dates with and
was now wanted by law enforcement authorities in connection with
violent threats, etc.
She decided maybe she shouldn't go out on any more dates for a
while.
And see? You were thinking I was going to talk about how a woman's
latest HIV test may have come back "inconclusive" or something.
No matter what's going on there, there's only one thing that's for
sure: She isn't going to feel the need to share the whole, sordid
story with YOU just because you invited her to hang out with you.
Rather, she's simply going to politely refuse your invitation...
thank goodness.
5) Her Sexual Orientation
This one is about as straightforward as it gets.
Maybe she's a lesbian.
And just like when it comes to "dark secrets", she may not feel
particularly compelled to explain that to a perfect stranger
like you.
Heck, she may never have explained it to ANYONE before. Who knows?
6) You're Just Not Her Type
You may just not be her cup of tea. Period, end of story.
And for the 4,572,935th time...this is NOT about you.
If ONE WOMAN doesn't particularly care for you, it does NOT mean
that ALL WOMEN aren't attracted to you either.
Here's an exercise for you that should cure this ailment once and
for all.
Try looking at the "flip side" of this whole concept. I want you
to think of a woman who is internationally famous for her "beauty",
but meanwhile you have NO EARTHLY IDEA WHY.
For me, Uma Thurman comes to mind. One look at those gnarly bare
feet in "Kill Bill" convinced me more than ever. Yet in every
movie I've ever seen her in people go on and on about how hot she
is. Meh...
Then again, you'll notice that Emily couldn't be more the OPPOSITE
of Uma Thurman.
Yet, I don't think Uma Thurman could care less whether I agree
she's hot or not.
Why not? Because she has all the attention she needs from other
guys...many of whom are probably more HER type than I am anyway.
But on the other hand, I don't care what your excuse is for
thinking all women are going to "reject" you for your limiting
beliefs.
You name it, and I've met a woman who IS attracted to it...even
if it's that you happen to be a death row inmate.
It doesn't matter WHO you are. Assuming you're doing the best with
what you've got, there's a woman someplace, somewhere who WILL go
out with you, and another who NOT go out with you.
In fact, there are probably more than a few of each.
Even Michael Freaking Jordan was summarily rejected at first by the
woman who would eventually become his wife.
And even though those two divorced years later for a variety of
complicated reasons, the point is that there's solid reason to
believe that even when the first approach isn't successful you can
come back later when some of the dust clears from all the factors
that weren't about you anyway.
But I remain convinced that the bigger picture is even more
reassuring, even if oddly so.
Just like you've got your reasons for not going out with some
perfectly great women out there, some perfectly great women have
their own set or reasons why they'd pass on you...despite your
inherent worth to thousands of other great women everywhere.
Granted, some of those reasons--either yours or hers--are flat-out
silly. Maybe we all should just get over it.
The sooner we stop tying our self-perception regarding our
"success" with women (and dare I say our self-worth itself) to
the outcome of any particular approach situation, the better.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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