[X&Y] 6 Examples Of When It's Not Your Fault (Seriously)
Published: Sun, 06/09/13
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IN THIS EDITION: Lately I've been getting emails from guys who are
beating themselves up over some pretty bad dates. Here's the good
news for them and for YOU too: It's not always YOUR fault.
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MEET THIS GUY A DAY AHEAD OF TIME
Tomorrow I'm going to unleash the long-overdue Episode #57 of
The Chick Whisperer podcast.
My co-host is a guy who I'm guessing you haven't heard from
before, as I've decided it would be a cool idea to go "off
the board" and introduce you to some serious badasses who are
outside the group of "usual suspects" in the dating/seduction
world.
I hit a home run here this time. Take a look at this:
http://www.scotrecommends.com/mmm
My co-host is a true "Renaissance Man" who has achieved wild
success in numerous areas--even at one time as a Hollywood movie
producer (the real deal).
These days he's focusing his time on pioneering studies in the
art and science of how the mind and body conspire to make you
more healthy, happy AND attractive (or otherwise).
If you think in terms of how revolutionary Rob Brinded's work
on movement is, for example, you've already got a GREAT idea
of how much of a "game changer" this guy's work is:
http://www.scotrecommends.com/mmm
He himself has lost 70 POUNDS and completely transformed his
relationship with his beautiful wife--all by using his own
techniques.
In other words, he "eats his own dog food" as they say in the
IT world.
So enough for now, already. Get acquainted with this guy
ahead of time by clicking the link above, and I'll see you
at this time tomorrow when I'll roll out that new TCW episode...
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6 EXAMPLES OF WHEN IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT
A part of me feels seriously weird about writing this newsletter.
After all, I'm pretty much the guy who tells you to IGNORE the
marketing hook that says "It's not your fault."
Feeling like a victim (and subsequently acting like one) is
decidedly NOT the way to improve...with women or in any other area,
for that matter. A "Big Four" man takes responsibility and makes
things happen rather than waiting for things to happen TO him.
But all of that said, there's another angle to all of this.
Sometimes when we hang out with a particular woman and things don't
end well for us, it's easy to blame ourselves for the "dating
disaster"...especially given the prevailing societal message that
women are to be placed on a pedestal and men are generally lousy at
"behaving themselves".
I'm sure you've felt that awkward twinge during a date and asked
yourself, "Is it me...or her?" Just about all of us as guys have
been there before.
Well here's the deal: Sometimes IT REALLY IS HER. And no, "it's
not your fault".
So here we go, a light-hearted (read: "dust off your sense of
humor") look at six classic examples of "dates gone wrong" where
you can feel absolutely free to leave the scene of the infraction
feeling like an innocent man:
1) The "Hidden Agenda"
As a man, you absolutely should show up for a meeting with a woman
having thought out a schedule.
Obviously it helps if you've paid attention ahead of time and
figured out what kind of things she may like. Extra points if
you've got her security and overall comfort level with you in mind
all the while.
High quality women generally like it this way.
But sometimes, a certain woman will come along who wants to throw
the proverbial "wrench in the works".
You show up and--surprise--she has her little sister tagging along.
You agree to meet for drinks. Then suddenly she announces she's
hungry and suggests you move to a restaurant...where she orders the
most expensive item on the menu only to have "forgotten her purse".
When she agrees to a date with you and then fails to "respect the
expected" in terms of the plan, don't feel bad about failing to
yield.
Reasonable adjustments for good cause? (e.g. she's allergic to
Starbucks) That's fine. But when you feel like you're getting
played by the "switcheroo", not so much.
2) Single Sided Conversation
By now you've heard me suggest that getting a woman to talk about
herself is a great way to keep conversation from falling flat.
Typically, you should be able to ask an open ended question or two
and expect things to roll rather easily from there.
Except sometimes you're only going to need to ask one question.
Possibly even none at all.
From there she'll just start talking. And talking.
If you are on a date with a woman and can't get a friggin' word in
edgewise with a crowbar, don't feel the need to be a martyr over it.
Dude...women talk about "communication" all the time. If she
dominates the conversation to the point where you're just
dumbfounded to the point of dizziness within ten minutes, then
that's just "uni-munication" or something.
Often this situation results in a man feeling as if the date can't
end soon enough. If ten minutes causes dizziness, a half an hour
of being subjected to this kind of torture could trigger a wanton
slaughter of brain cells by the millions.
Don't feel bad about ending the date in the name of salvaging your
intelligence. It's okay.
3) Failure To Excite
This one is sort of the opposite of what I described above.
Sometimes you can be your typical charming, easy-going and even
humorous self and all you'll get in return from her is stone-faced
silence.
When this happens your first thought may be to work just a little
harder to get her to "open up".
Well, take it from me...sometimes even the "Jaws Of Life" wouldn't be
enough to extract any personality from a woman like that.
You'll probably feel the dark, ominous cloud of awkwardness hanging
over the situation.
Oddly, she probably won't. After all, she's perfectly used to this
stuff.
Given her apparent comfort with it all, you may start to feel 1000%
sure you must be messing up.
You didn't. She's simply boring you stiffless.
And that's her prerogative, I suppose. But it's yours not to ask
for a second date.
Perhaps ironically, she'll probably have had a great time and be a
bit disappointed. Go figure.
4) "All Men Are The Same", Etc.
You are NOT her ex-boyfriend, nor are you any other guy who has
done something evil to the particular woman you are with prior to
you meeting her.
So you should not be expected to "pay the price" for some other guy
messing up. Straight up.
If your intention is to be a "Big Four" man who treats women right,
then you need not subject yourself to unreasonable expressions of
jealousy, mistrust, bitterness toward men, emotional dysfunction,
etc.
This holds true whether you are on your first date or 500th, by the
way.
You're not that guy, so don't let her get inside your head enough
to flip a switch that causes you to start thinking you are. Move
on.
5) Positively Negative
Some women hate all sorts of things. They'll spout off about
co-workers, family members, the economy, politics and Britney Spears.
Maybe she even verbalizes that she expects the date you're on to go
badly, or that you probably don't like her or something.
When this sort of thing is going on, that urgent need for Pepto
Bismol you're feeling is perfectly natural. Don't blame yourself.
Now, you can feel free to alert such a woman that the negativity is
starting to get to you. You can ask her to lighten up a little.
And to your surprise, she might.
But notwithstanding that, assuming you've led with a positive
approach to things, don't feel like you've inspired all this ill
will...let alone deserve to endure it.
6) False Advertising
No discussion of this type would be complete without mention of the
most dreaded of all online dating experiences.
You know what I mean. She's not "as advertised" when you meet her.
Listen up, guys. If a woman misrepresents herself in ANY WAY
online, and you're confronted by an "elephant in the room" when
your date arrives (or possibly two?) it's okay to deal with it as
you see fit.
Anyone who misrepresents him or herself online is going to have to
learn the hard lesson that one cannot generally get away with it
once the real-life meetings start happening.
So if you want to respectfully end the date then and there in such
a situation, go for it. All I'd ask is that you not completely
BLAST the woman.
Sure, she wasn't exactly honest. But then again, you should read
the e-mails we get from people whose entire self-image has been in
the gutter for a full decade or more because of ONE BAD EXPERIENCE.
The date isn't going to end well, but don't CRUSH the woman like an
aluminum can. That's both unreasonable and unnecessary.
Just tell her that having met her you were expecting someone a bit
different and that you think someone else will appreciate her
better than you will. 'Nuff said.
If you have planned a "date with a deadline", which you ALWAYS
should when meeting someone for the first time, you may actually
benefit from going through with the date and learning what you can
from it with regard to how to relate to women, etc.
But whatever you do, don't let her manipulate you into a second
date. If you aren't attracted to her, it is what it is. You're
not a "bad guy" because of it.
I'm sure some of these made you smile, either because you can
relate or because, well, you've got to find humor in certain
situations in order to effectively survive them.
But each of the half-dozen points I shared are ones that Emily
actually harps on quite a bit with the women she writes to. Rest
assured, there's something to them.
So be on the lookout for these situations, realize that women don't
necessarily all have honorary doctorates in "dating science", and
give yourself a break.
Oh, and WHATEVER YOU DO, make sure YOU'RE not the perpetrator of
any of these faux pas...that is if you even realize you're doing so.
Have a great week, guys. Go out and meet some women...and I'll talk
to you again soon.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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