[X&Y] "And You May Ask Yourself, 'Well, How Did I Get Here?'"
Published: Sat, 06/15/13
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WHAT'S INSIDE: They've dated for a long time, but still know
next to nothing about whether they're truly compatible or not.
What's up with that?
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MEETING WOMEN BY ACCIDENT?
Can you imagine meeting women based on PURE happenstance...as
in, with ZERO effort whatsoever?
This is a phenomenon that my friend Lance Mason has been talking
a lot about lately.
And well, that COULD be because there's really something to it.
I mean, good things tend to happen when you LEAST expect it, right?
That's one of the stranger truths in this life.
Meanwhile, if you get yourself all worked up to INTENTIONALLY go
out and try to meet women, the potential for "over analysis" and
negative visualization skyrockets, doesn't it?
That stuff just KILLS your chances...yet it actually takes MORE TIME
and MORE EFFORT than going about things the right way.
The irony...
It all makes sense, though. When you SEE a woman you like you
should MEET her. BAM...in an INSTANT. It's should be as if you're
on auto-pilot.
Lance is a stone-cold ninja at this sort of thing. Better yet, he
can SHOW YOU how to master "instant attraction" skills yourself:
http://www.scotrecommends.com/lance
Hey...have you ever, ever watched a GOLDEN opportunity with a woman
who took your breath away disappear into thin air just because the
situation just didn't seem right?
If so, then this is the cure you've been looking for:
http://www.scotrecommends.com/lance
Believe me, you are NOT alone. Not by any stretch.
There's a reason why Instant Attraction is one of Pickup 101's
hottest programs. It's exactly what the doctor ordered, and it
straight-up WORKS.
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AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF, "WELL, HOW DID I GET HERE?"
"And you may ask yourself, 'Well, how did I get here?' ...This is
not my beautiful house. ...This is not my beautiful wife!'"
--"Once In A Lifetime", Talking Heads
Today we're going to mix things up a bit. Typically in this space
I'll either write about some original point I've not heard
discussed elsewhere, or I'll respond to your questions and comments.
Today I'm going to do both. The truth is that I received a letter
a couple days ago from a woman that was so poignant that I feel it
warrants an entire newsletter to address. Here's how it goes:
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Hello Scot,
Here is my question today.
A little background first. My boyfriend and I have been dating for
1 year and 9 months.
Anyway, in April of this year he brought up the subject of moving in
together--in fact, he brought up the idea of us buying a house together.
For about 2 months that was what we were planning on doing until he
told me (out of nowhere) that he didn't think we should move in together
anymore.
He came up with lots of excuses, like he wasn't sure if he morally
believes in it, his family wouldn't like it (they are very religious),
he thought it would put too much negative stress on our relationship,
and he didn't think it was the right time to do that.
What are your thoughts on this situation?
When he told me he had changed his mind I was devastated and I
think I lost a lot of trust in him. Also, I think I am still angry
and distrusting of him now as I find myself getting angry at him
very easily now for things I never would have before.
I also find myself kind of uneasy around him now as I worry what he
will tell me next, almost like I am expecting him to disappoint me
at every turn.
I don't like feeling like this and I don't like feeling angry at
him. Also, he doesn't even realize that this is how I feel.
What should I do?
Anyway, something else that is bothering me is that my boyfriend
has never really brought up the idea of marriage or kids. We have
almost been dating for 2 years and I don't really know if he wants
marriage and kids in his life one day.
I assume he does since he comes from a religious family that considers
marriage important.
He has never specifically said that he wants to get married. Also
I guess what I want to hear from him is that marriage and kids are
something he wants and that he can see those things happening with
me.
How do I bring this up with him without freaking him out??
Also, do you think it's a good idea to bring this stuff up at this
point in our relationship?? If he doesn't want these things I want
to know now so that I don't waste my time on a relationship where
we don't have the same long-term goals.
Thank you very much for all your help. Sorry this is so long but I
wanted to put lots of detail into it.
Jennifer
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Most of you out there, I'm sure, are already throwing soda cans and
rotten veggies at your computer monitors.
Yeah, I know...there's an obvious issue here. And yes, I responded
to Jennifer in a suitable manner.
But rest assured that I'm not going to lull you to sleep by simply
stating that these two have a profound communication problem.
Also, I invite you to suspend your disbelief that he's even
interested in marrying her someday.
Instead, feel free to throw your hands up in the air and ponder
with me: "How on Earth do two people date for almost two friggin'
years and not ever have THAT STUFF EVEN COME UP?"
The answer to that question struck me almost immediately upon
reading the email, and has haunted me for 48 hours. The truth is
that it's so blasted easy to get into a situation like Jennifer's
that it's no wonder at all, really, that it goes on...a lot. Maybe
even in your life.
To be completely forthright, I found out about another couple
recently who had been dating for over a year and didn't even
know each other's last names. But that's just CRAZY.
So anyway, then, how DID Jennifer and her boyfriend manage to
avoid major questions of basic worldview and compatibility for
THAT LONG?
And more importantly, what 20/20 hindsight is there that could
have prevented this?
Well, it's all too easy to discern here that Jennifer's boyfriend
has "failed to deploy" when it comes to relationship management.
And it's not that he's a bad guy. The issue is that he prepared
himself with an excellent strategy for his first couple dates or so
with Jennifer. And he sort of never adjusted those strategies as
the relationship progressed.
That's not a good plan.
Some guys sabotage their first conversations with women by talking
about stuff like politics, religion, etc. And just like I'd say to
the woman who stereotypically asks about kids and marriage on the
first date, you absolutely want to avoid "long term" or "heavy"
discussions for the first couple of dates.
Keeping things light as you are just getting to know one another
helps build comfort and intrigue, while simultaneously keeping
people from creeping each other out.
But here's the danger there.
It's inevitable that a couple who starts a relationship will form
habits in their interaction together that will likely last as long
as the relationship itself does.
By as soon as a couple of weeks in, the couple could already
have a pattern of thought and/or behavior in place that is set to
repeat itself indefinitely.
And if that pattern is not dealt with and adjusted if need be at
that time, at around the six-month mark those habits are all but
be indelibly stamped on the relationship.
I often discuss with coaching clients the more readily observable
ways this factor tends to present itself. For example, if you and
your new friend go back to the apartment to "chill and watch
movies" for two or three dates in a row early on you may find
yourself doing ONLY THAT all the time.
You'll be in a rut, and the relationship will get boring.
Pretty deep stuff, isn't this? But hang in there with me. This is
potentially life-altering insight for many of you.
Notice that Jennifer is utterly nonplussed (like we are) as to how
this all never got talked about. She is wondering if it's "okay"
to even address the important subjects with her boyfriend without
"freaking him out".
She has been ready and willing to hit the hard (but important)
questions all along, but her boyfriend has FAILED TO LEAD in that
area.
Ever since the first few dates--when it was okay to set the mission
critical stuff on the back burner--he has not modified the flow of
the conversation in the relationship.
Two dates turned into three dates...into six dates...into six
months. The important ideas never got talked about.
For whatever reason, Jennifer's boyfriend preferred to keep his
head in the sand regarding the major compatibility questions rather
than open the conversation.
And that was how the relationship was cemented. They're indeed in a
"rut" there. Basically, the precedent for how the relationship is
going to go in the future has been set.
Is it that he's insecure about losing her? Perhaps...after all, he
originally went against his basic moral code regarding moving in
together before reversing himself.
Even this reversal was met with a lack of communication, wasn't it?
Meanwhile, Jennifer is offering a breathtaking demonstration of
exactly how important it is to a woman for a man to show leadership
skill.
Could she have chimed in on this stuff a lot earlier? Sure. But
what she wants is a MAN. A MAN who can lead. A MAN who can make
decisions and give her a secure feeling in his presence.
His lack of leadership in managing the relationship has morphed
into what appears to be utter lack of courage in dealing with
important questions that will define the viability of the entire
relationship.
And nearly two years into this, he is showing no signs of getting
out of the "rut".
Still at Square One, basically, Jennifer is left to finally stand
up and say "enough is enough", as long as it's, uh... "okay" (???)
to do so.
Relationship management skill is all-important. And the time to
consider what all is entailed is BEFORE you meet someone you want
to share a significant amount of your life with.
This is a major key to the "big picture" of deserving what you want.
So much so that my most popular program The Leading Man is devoted
entirely to it.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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