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WHAT'S INSIDE:  You want to be a cool guy, and you know cool guys
attract women.  So what happens when someone does something to you
that isn't so cool?  How should you respond?

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FINALLY:  THE "FAST START PACKAGE" FOR GUYS WHO ARE JUST
BEGINNING TO GET BETTER WITH WOMEN



There were numerous requests to this effect in a recent survey
I did:


  "Hey Scot man, you talk about going from 'good to great' with
  women a lot, but what about us guys who are young, coming off
  of a tough divorce, have had bad luck and/or are just 'late
  bloomers' in general?

  We're really starting off at square one here?  Whaddaya got
  for us?"


Well, first of all know that I've NEVER forgotten about y'all.

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HOW COOL GUYS DEAL WITH UNCOOL PEOPLE


Scot,
 
How does a cool person deal with "being hurt" by other people? I
mean he loves people, he invests in them by making them feel better
(not for the sake of seeking approval), then one of those people
says or does something that really makes him mad.

It happened to me a couple of times and I feel like I need to flat
out say something nasty back to them, otherwise I will feel hurt on
the inside for a while.

For my own well-being it seems right to do so. But is this the
right thing to do?
 

Thanks,

Andrew (Norman, OK)



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Hello Andrew:

Thanks for writing.  What a great, great question.
 
The short answer is:  Just let it go.  Don't put yourself on
anyone's level who you consider uncool...ever.  To do so would be to
sacrifice self-respect.
   
Usually the other person is behaving in that manner toward you
either because they're embarrassed, jealous of your success in some
way, or flat-out insecure.

Just like we talk about in our audio on the subject
(http://www.beingcooler.com), the truly cool guy indeed thrives on helping
others around him look and feel cooler.  Only guys who have A LOT
to work on in this department ever feel need to put others down to
make themselves look good.

Think about it.  Have you ever observed someone who is actively
trying to make someone else look bad and thought to yourself what a
cool guy he is?  Of course not.

One differentiation I do want to make is between saying something
to someone that is DIRECT versus something that is truly MEAN.

If you have a solid measure of self-respect you won't allow
manipulators to walk all over you.  So when you sense someone is
attempting to take advantage of you, calling them out on it is
absolutely the right thing to do.

A similar principle holds true if you're a man with high ethical
standards and someone is doing something in your presence that you
view as very wrong--especially if he or she is encouraging you to
partake.

Note that when you're being DIRECT you're calling out an ACTION or
BEHAVIOR, not the PERSON him or herself.  What is said is honest,
even if not exactly "pretty", but it's never an INSULT.

Generally speaking, although I personally say a lot of DIRECT
things when appropriate, I make it a point never to insult people
with mean, ad hominem personal comments.

It's not uncommon to get mean comments IN RETURN having said
something direct, however.  In fact, deep down the fear of getting
insulted is probably what keeps most of us from being direct when
the situation calls for it, right?

Universally, however, receiving insults in response to directness
is a sign that it's not a good idea to continue dealing with the
person.  Don't allow yourself to be drawn into that sort of melee.
He or she is the problem, not you.
 
But man...I hear you.  Sometimes it's REALLY tempting to put them
in their place, especially if you've got the PERFECT comeback.  I
promise you, though...sleep on it and you'll be glad you kept your
cool.

You know, I think there's even more to this subject of being a cool
guy vis-à-vis interacting with others who aren't yet so advanced at
keeping their own cool.

I actually once knew a guy who to this day I think of as one of the
coolest guys I've ever met. 

Amazingly, whenever someone around him said something bad about
someone else, spoke in a coarse manner, started complaining about
something and/or said anything else blatantly negative he'd do
something incredibly powerful.

He'd look at the person briefly, pause about a full second, and
then casually change the subject. 

It was abundantly clear that he would not partake in that which he
didn't condone, but handled the situation as a natural leader
would...all without disrespecting anyone.

The subtle message--that quiet exhortation to everyone around to
"raise the bar" in the coolness department--was always received loud
and clear, if silently. 

That was an amazing example he set that I never forgot.

The only caveat I'd offer here is that if your manhood or personal
integrity is being called out by another guy you're going to have
to man up and stand up for yourself. 

The best way to do this, of course, is by making a reasonable
verbal appeal to the guy that what he's saying is inappropriate and
that it needs to stop.  

Among friends or business associates I would presume that to be
enough.  

Indeed, even when you're interacting with a stranger you'll be
surprised how often being reasonably direct throws water on the
potential for altercation.

If you're dealing with an unreasonable individual, though, you
won't be able to reason with him.  That follows common logic.

At that point you've got to decide whether to walk away or risk the
conversation degenerating into fisticuffs. 

Note that I'm not going to publicly advocate getting into fights.
You, however, can base your personal decision regarding how to
proceed in such situations on how idiotic the other guy is already
causing himself to look and/or what the legal ramifications of the
altercation would be. 

By the way, if a woman ever insults you publicly no real man is
going to second guess your decision not to glorify her remarks in
any way, shape or form.  You have nothing to prove to her or to
others around you in that situation.  Remove yourself.

Yet, somewhere along the way "modern culture" has caused us to lose
sight of what it means to be a man at times, hasn't it?


Be Good,

Scot McKay




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