[X&Y] What To Do When Your Ex Won't Let You Go (20/20 Foresight Enclosed)
Published: Mon, 12/16/13
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WHAT'S INSIDE: She really likes you, but you've got to break up
with her anyway. Here's some 20/20 foresight into what you canexpect afterward...
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WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR EX WON'T LET YOU GO
Back when we did a big survey not too long ago, you guys
expressed overwhelmingly that you'd like me to cover the basics
sometimes AND go into some more unique and/or advanced topics at
times, too.
Well, I've got to clue you in up front here. This is one of those
newsletters that may SEEM at first to be of the latter variety, but
rest assured...what follows really does fall under the "basic"
category.
I'm sure that you've seen books out there on "how to get your ex
back". They're immensely popular because let's face it, sometimes
breakups happen that we didn't AT ALL wish for.
And when someone we feel like we're passionately in love with dumps
us it hurts...badly.
Now, the plain truth is that as you become more of a chooser than a
chaser you'll have more power over your dating life.
That means YOU are soon (if not already) going to be the one
breaking up with some women here and there, even if you've been
used to women initiating breakups in the past.
You see, as a "big four" man you're going to start bringing women
into your life who like you a BUNCH, but who aren't going to meet
your standards.
And yes...you're going to have to cut them loose so they can find a
man who appreciates them more than you do.
[Ed. Note: I have a f-r-e-e e-book that covers the logistics of
actually breaking up with a woman right here:
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/breakups1 ]
So I've got a news flash for you: The whole concept of being
straight-up, honkin' DESPERATE to get an ex-back who you have
strong feelings for is NOT gender-specific.
That's not surprising at all, if you think about it. Nevertheless,
your whole perspective on the scenario changes when your ex is the
one suddenly on an all-out, no-holds-barred mission to get YOU back
into her life.
So here we go. I'm going to show you right here and right now how
to STAND YOUR GROUND and help your ex move on even if SHE'S armed
with every "get your ex back" strategy in the book...literally.
The first step, as the title of this newsletter suggests, is to
EXPECT that she won't simply drop out of your life quickly and
easily...even if that's what you'd like.
She's going to bring the "big guns" to get what she wants, although
hopefully not literally.
Prepare your mindset so that you expect that and have your eyes
open to see her tactics for what they are and you'll already be
ahead of the game.
The next step is to objectively outline in your mind WHY you've
broken up with her, and WHY that was an excellent idea. This will
help you stand your ground and mitigate against any manipulation of
the "grey area" she might try.
My years of experience as a dating coach have confirmed time and
again that nearly all breakups happen for GOOD CAUSE, and that
getting back together with someone whom we've broken up with is
almost always a BAD idea.
As such, keep in mind that NO MATTER WHAT she comes up with as
leverage, staying broken up is almost invariably best for BOTH OF
YOU.
So then, what are some of these specific "tactics" she might try?
Well, even after a firm conversation with her detailing the hard
truth that the two of you are OFFICIALLY broken up, you can expect
her to make every attempt possible to reassert herself into your
life.
That can be exacerbated by the apparently innocuous suggestion on
your part to "remain friends"...and she may push for that regardless
of whether you've expressly offered it or not.
But make no mistake here, if you HAVE given her a "JBF talk" she's
likely to take you up on it...even if you were just trying to be nice.
If she flat-out adores you and you want the romantic relationship
to end, you're going to HAVE to cut all communications with her
early on, albeit with kindness. There's no need to insult her
and/or otherwise go into gory negative detail.
Still, you need to keep the moratorium on communication in place no
matter what, at least until she finds another love interest...and
perhaps much longer.
Otherwise, she's going to tug on your heartstrings with every ounce
of strength she has.
She might even tempt you with a sexual tryst, possibly going so far
to offer it "without strings". Don't kid yourself.
She's also likely to suggest that the two of you meet together in
order to exchange each other's belongings that you might have
cluttering your respective places of residence.
Your answer to that should be to either return the items by mail or
leave them by the door, if that's practical. No live, face-to-face
meetings should even be considered.
Now, so far everything I've shared with you might seem like "common
sense". Still, it's alarming how we can allow ourselves to get
sucked back into a relationship we don't want...even though we fully
sense what's happening.
But how about some of the more subtle ways your ex can attempt to
get back into a relationship with you?
I have to say, some of these are SO "under the radar" that SHE
might not even be fully AWARE what she's doing.
For example, particularly if a woman has low self-esteem she may
find it necessary to feel there's GOOD reason for the breakup in
HER OWN MIND in order to find necessary closure.
Huh?
Let's put it this way. She may not effectively move on until it's
HER DESIRE to.
That can only mean one thing. She's somehow GOT to convert her
strong feelings of LOVE into strong feelings of HATE.
That way she WANTS the breakup as much as you did. And considering
most of us are programmed in today's culture to see dating
relationships as opportunities to meet our own selfish needs, that
just might be the only way she knows how to get herself to back off.
Obviously, then, this will cause her to do what she can to PROVOKE
you to do something evil.
Don't be surprised when she sends you random texts and voicemails
that make your blood boil. No matter what, leave them unanswered.
You want neither to allow her to hate you NOR have the opportunity
to continue conversation with you in any way, shape or form.
Otherwise, at best you risk getting back together with her (which
is still likely her preference) OR at worse--you're going to wake up
one morning to a big key scratch down the full length of your new
ride...which she may feel fully justified for having done.
Remember always...this weird compulsion to find a reason to hate you
is 100% about a misplaced desire to regain a lost sense of personal
power. She needs to view herself as having dumped YOU...for cause.
It all sounds pretty twisted, I know...but that's how the human mind
can work under dire circumstances.
Ultimately, you'll want to beware falling into the trap of
continuing conversation with her in ANY way...mostly because you lose
all of YOUR personal power even as she regains it, right?
Can you see how that's the case?
Perhaps ironically, if she doesn't care to find reason to HATE you,
she just might kick up the charm and kindness to previously unseen
levels, which you also must NOT fall for.
Otherwise, before you know it she'll have played the "crying card"
in context with all the "nice" things she's suddenly doing for you
and voila...she'll be your girlfriend again.
...That is, if she doesn't become the one who suddenly becomes oddly
distant shortly after drawing you in.
Can you imagine ultimately feeling like you want to CHASE the woman
you once broke up with first, hoping she'll stay with you because
you fear losing her?
At the time you're breaking up with her I'm sure you won't be able
to imagine that AT ALL. But it'd be a mistake to underestimate the
power of what's in those "win back your ex" books.
So there you have it.
Having read through what I've shared with you here, it might by
easy to believe that I'm painting a picture of ALL women as shady
and/or manipulative.
Believe me, that isn't necessarily the case AT ALL. Even women of
very high character will typically do whatever it takes in the name
of getting you back once they're on that "mission".
The more they are smitten, the greater lengths they'll go to get
what they want. Never, ever underestimate a woman's capabilities
in that regard.
Remember also that today's society has programmed us to feel as if
we should get what we want whenever we want it, and that's how most
men AND women view relationships with MOTOS (members of the
other sex).
When a modern woman is passionately in love with you and you cannot
reciprocate those feelings, you just can't expect her to wish you
well with someone else...period.
At least now you know how to handle post-breakup situations and
minimize the aftermath.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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