IN THIS EDITION:  We hear a lot about the dangers of calling women
too much.  Considering all the clueless guys out there who hammer
women non-stop with calls and texts, I can understand why. 

But how do we make sure not to let the pendulum swing too far the
other way?  Where's the balance when it comes to calling women?

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=====



QUESTION FROM A READER


Hi Scot,

Most of the advice of all the dating gurus and even girls
themselves tell you that "you shouldn't be calling a girl all the
time". 

I tend to heed that advice and not call a girl very often,
especially in the beginning of getting to know her. 

It doesn't seem that hard for me to do because I usually don't feel
the need to call a girl everyday.  And I tend to be busy doing
stuff during "prime calling hours", so I have to consciously make
special time to be calling anybody during a weeknight. 

If I didn't, girls would be getting calls at 11 at night, and I
don't think they'd be happy with that.

However, it often seems as though the relationship with the girl
just fizzles out over time. 

So, as an experiment, the last girl I went out with I tried to call
her a little more often than I felt comfortable with.  I was
surprised when the result was actually positive. 

And on top of that, even though I was calling her more often than I
felt comfortable with, she even told me that she wasn't sure if I
liked her or not because I didn't call her very often. 

After I started going back to my pattern of not calling her very
often (and not calling her during the holidays), the relationship
fizzled again. 

However, I felt less and less like calling her since she would
return my calls, but would never initiate a call to me. 

I used that to gauge how often she felt comfortable with me calling
her, therefore the calls were made with less and less frequency.
 
After getting a phone number, I'll usually wait around 2 days to
call her.  After going on a date, I'll usually wait like 4-7 days
to call or e-mail her again. 

Subsequent calls/emails are usually like a week or more apart. 
I'm comparing this to other gurus' advice of 7-9 days between
calls, and I feel I should be OK. 

But I'm starting to think that maybe it's too long.  Or maybe I'm
not waiting the correct amount of time at the right stages of the
relationship. 

Too short and she runs, too long and it fizzles.
 
My question is, can you give me some guideline with how often I
should contact a girl (phone, email, text), and how that
time-period changes as I get to know her better? 

Thanks!


Brendan  (Lake Elsinore, CA)



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Brendan:


Thanks for writing.  You've brought up some excellent points.

First of all, let's level-set the calling timeline thing in
general.  First, I'm not completely in agreement with the "7-9 day"
thing. 

Let me rephrase that, actually:  I'm completely NOT in agreement
with the "7-9 day" thing.  It's an overreaction, in my opinion. 

And that goes for whether you've just gotten her number or you've
already been seeing her for a while. 

Let's face it.  Most highly desirable women you happened to get a
number from will have written you off as too indifferent (or even
too scared) to call by then, if they remember you at all.

If you have already been on a real first date (as opposed to a
"coffee meeting") with a woman and would like to see her again,
then 4-7 days is definitely too long to wait. 

This is at best going to come off as lukewarm interest, and at
worst "game playing" to women...even if you aren't much into
phone conversations. 

As a rule, people just flat-out put a higher priority on conversing
with people they actually are attracted to than that.

So then, how DO you figure out how much phone time to put in?  Is
there really even a specific formula for this?

The other day I happened to hear a female stand-up comedienne say
something funny, but profound at the same time:  "If we like a guy,
we're perfectly happy to hear from him six or eight times a day.
If we don't, then if he calls us even once a week we're creeped
out."

Wow, huh?  It's really all about how much attraction you've created
when you were standing right there in front of her...even before the
telephone calls ever get rolling.

So here it is.  When you know she is interested in you, then you've
GOT to give her a break and call her sometimes.  Otherwise, your
perception is dead-accurate:  She'll think you don't like her.
 
Imagine if the tables were turned.  If she appeared decidedly
cavalier about talking to you, wouldn't you begin to think she was
somewhat disinterested?  Men and women are really no different in
this area.

The Seduction Community talks A LOT about guys calling too much and
being "clingy" because, truthfully, that's the best "one size fits
all" advice for most of the guys out there who are starting from
Square One. 

But if you truly have that part of things handled and have overcome
all symptoms of neediness, then the right thing is to do your
part to let the woman know you are at least intrigued by her. 

My thought in this case (and again, the caveat is that you actually
must really, truly have no issues of neediness or insecurity) is
that if you FEEL like it's starting to have been a bit long since
you've talked to her, you're probably right. 

It's time to call.  Put it off longer and you risk disillusioning
her.

At the very least, drop her a quick text so she can know she's
not out of sight and therefore out of mind.

Considering how many guys hammer women pretty hard with phone
calls/texts/etc. you can easily figure why things fizzle for you
when you don't call them. 

They're human beings with feelings and thought processes just like
yours and they simply mark you down as "uninterested". 

Worse, that's when they'll turn their attention to the other guy
out there who gets all of this right without overdoing it.  Perhaps
ironically, THEY start feeling "needy" if they continue to wonder
about when you're ever going to call. 

And they know that's no good every bit as well as you do.

By the way, if you aren't much into the phone, you're not alone.
Plenty of guys share your sentiments there. 

In that case though, it's all the more important to make doubly
sure to inform women about that up front and make sure she knows
that you aren't kidding.  That might buy you some extra time
between phone calls, at least in theory. 

"Set the expectation" as they say in the sales world.


Be Good,

Scot McKay




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