[X&Y] Reader Questions And Comments
Published: Thu, 01/18/07
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***Note: Welcome to a TON of new subscribers this week.
Today's newsletter is a special one with questions from
readers, which we do about once every six weeks or so.
Reader Questions And Comments
The JBF Talk...It's Not Just For The Guys
QUESTION:
I have a question.
I got to go out for coffee with a guy I have had a crush
on for about a year. It went well but the summary of the
discussion we had about dating was that he is in limbo
right now because he has little time with his kids and
work. He is seriously considering moving if he will be
able to get custody of his children and the courts allow.
He basically doesn't want to get into a relationship
with someone if he will be moving. He said a number of
times that to him dating is about timing.
He does endure a long commute each day and he has kids
(2 girls) a lot.
I am uncomfortable pushing the issue if he is not
interested. The coffee made me even more sure I would
like to get to know him better. Can you translate this
"guy speak" because I am baffled.
I am considering send him a thank-you for coffee and hope
that he will be able to make time to do it again (soon?).
I am uncomfortable making any forthright effort to engage
him if he is clearly not interested for whatever reason.
Sigh. He and I are so alike it was like I had known him
for years.
Thanks for your input. Take care.
K. - Georgia
ANSWER
K.:
Although many if not all of the issues he cited might be
very real, I've got some difficult news for you. People
tend to modify their priorities in a BIG WAY when they meet
someone who really moves them. And he's not doing that.
Be really careful not to express too much to a guy about
how much you like him too soon. Remember "getting kills
wanting".
Also important, as tough as it sounds to do it's best not
to invest too much emotional energy in a certain person
until much later. The less you feel you need a guy in your
life, the more you are likely to attract him...ironically.
Here's an aspect where men and women are remarkably similar.
No kidding.
Consider if the tables were turned. If this guy was
falling quickly and fawning over you, your gut reaction
might be that you could do better. And you would lose
attraction for him--probably without even knowing why
exactly.
Meet some other guys and take a more casual approach.
You'll like the results. And just for good measure,
remember that he "gets" to go out for coffee with you also
--you aren't the only privileged one.
BTW, all guys reading this take note: Now you know that
women can land in the "Just Be Friends" ("JBF") zone too.
But...that doesn't change the fact that EVERYTHING here goes
DOUBLE for you at all times.
Obscure Obstacles For The Obsequious
QUESTION:
Hi,
I have another question. I am applying the things I am
learning from you everyday and I am paying special
attention to the podcasts on approaching women and where
do you meet them.
My obstacle now is I keep seeing women I would like to get
to know better at obscure moments like coffee shops,
waiting in line etc. they seem to be giving me "signals of
interest" but how do you go about trying to flirt and get
a number when there are two girls present, because with
this there are the issues of jealousy or if the other
friend will try and hinder your attempts because you
approached the other girl.
This happened today at Starbucks with two girls talking to
each other at a table. We strategically sat at the middle
table where all the girls could see us. I didn't make the
attempt to go talk to the one girl that seemed interested
because her friend was there but she did go to the bathroom.
Maybe that was my opening but even then to get a number from
someone you just met with just 2 to 3 minutes to do it in is
strict. There is a way to accomplish this? So what I am
doing wrong with my mindset?
Thanks again for your time and help, I appreciate it and can
say I am making the sincere decision to put myself on the
path to deserving what I want.
N. -- California
ANSWER:
Hey N.
I'm glad that things we talk about appear to be working for
you some already. They certainly have for me.
Regarding your first question about groups of women, I
think you are over-analyzing. Doing such in any situation
--be it meeting women or whatever else you do in life--
causes you to manufacture self-doubt at a record pace. I'm
sure you've heard the term "analysis paralysis", and it
applies here. If you don't even try, you are guaranteed to
fail...every time.
If you see a woman you like who just so happens to be with
her friends, there is absolutely nothing "wrong" with
showing interest towards her specifically. A real man
should be cordial with the friend(s) and bring some energy
to the entire group, but it's only natural (and expected)
that you would be particularly attracted to one in
particular. Women are grown-ups too, remember. If "in the
unlikely event of a decompression" your concern is validated
and the other wom(en) somehow manage to "act up" in either a
jealous and/or immature way, that's not really even your
problem. Rest assured that any woman who would put on this
display is behaving in no manner to indicate true friendship
toward the woman you are interested in.
With some field experience, you'll soon realize that most
women are very gracious in return when a man graciously
approaches a certain woman in the group. You are only going
to get blatantly "blocked" when either 1) She's not single
after all, or 2) You are an I/J (Idiot/Jerk). So be the
kind of man who deserves what he wants, and there's very,
very little potential for shame. Besides, what's the worst
that can happen if they all want your attention...you get ALL
of their phone numbers?
Let's think about this even deeper. If one behaves like a
brat, believe it or not it may HELP your cause as the one
you prefer apologizes upon finding herself in a position of
embarrassment. But all this is a contingency plan for the
unlikely. Women know better than to be that catty towards
their friends in such situations. In fact, they often are
happy for one another--interestingly enough.
Want What You Deserve
QUESTION:
Hi Scot,
Just wanted to say "good job". After having my heart
broken by my divorce from a woman I really loved, I have
been looking for someone else to spend the rest of my
life with. I, like you have been told that it wasn't my
fault and that I did all I could to try to save my
marriage, but it still doesn't take the pain away. After
almost a year I feel that I am now ready to begin dating
again. I figured "Hey I was married, I shouldn't be
afraid to talk to women." Boy was I wrong, I am just as
shy as ever when it comes to approaching women. You and
Emily have begun to open my eyes to the fact that I am not
alone in this regard and that it is OK to approach women.
You guys are empowering me to get the relationship I want
and deserve and not to settle for a substandard
relationship. I just wanted to give a huge thanks and
good luck on your new life together
Thanks and God Bless,
B. -- Mississippi
Thanks B. These are the letters I most enjoy receiving.
We love knowing that we're making a difference.
Yep, you got it--there's no time to be a "victim" after
a tough divorce. Learning to deserve what you want is
THE best and absolute quickest way to put the past in the
rear view mirror.
Be sure to go out and date all sorts of women so you can
truly evaluate who it is you are looking for. In other w
ords, who is it that you actually WANT to DESERVE? That's
a crucial step on the road to deserving what you want. T
hen, once you have total control over your dating life and
be the--CHOOSER instead of the CHASER--you can then make
the decision to stick with one great woman on your own
terms.
Thanks for the well wishes for a happy life. You're next!
Be Good,
Scot McKay
###
PODCASTS UPDATE: Next week Emily and I are going to
launch a second podcast together called "Online Dating
Profile Rating". Every week we are going to pick a real
online profile at random and overhaul it. This should be
fun AND educational! Meanwhile, Episode 21 of "X & Y On
The Fly" on flirting is out and can be found, as always,
on our feed at http://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly or
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/main/podcast.htm. If
you want to "pin yourself" on our Frappr map, it's posted
at http://www.frappr.com/xandy.
Power Sessions For Women is NOW AVAILABLE. Emily's own
long-awaited Power Sessions series for the ladies is
found at:
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/women.
The January edition of Power Sessions For Men is also out,
so if you are guy and haven't yet joined the "Deserving
Community" go for it by visiting:
http://www.deservewhatyouwant/powersessions/men.
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