1)    A BIG Past Mistake

 

"I've been to jail before.  No woman will love me."  "I've been too sexually promiscuous."  "I spilled milk on my best friend in third grade." 

 

You've heard somewhere along the line that "nobody's perfect".  Thankfully, most of our imperfections (and not necessarily just the "perfect imperfections" I famously talk about) aren't public.  This means that whatever we are carrying around, we have no idea what other people have on their own plates.  So we dwell on our own embarrassing failures, thinking we are somehow worse than everyone else. 

 

What happened HAS GOT to be over and done with...it's the ONLY OPTION, if you really think about it.  I personally know people who have let the tiniest of peccadilloes--the type of which 99% of us would laugh off or even be proud of--RUIN their social lives.  On the other hand, I know others who have made truly IMMENSE mistakes in their lives (including direct responsibility for the accidental death of one's own child) who have gone on to participate in happy relationships. 

 

2)    A Dark Secret  

 

The difference between a "past mistake" and a "dark secret" for the purpose of this context is the difference between something being past versus being current.  

 

Perhaps you smoke occasionally and just can't quit.  Maybe you have a child in another state.  Whatever the issue is, if you feel you have one you have two choices.  Either you can get the issue handled or you can aim towards deserving someone more in line with your own personal situation.  If you just can't quit smoking, stop trying to hide it from non-smoking potential partners and start dating smokers and/or people who don't mind your lighting up.  That's all there is to it.  

 

The same logic can be applied to any other "secret" you have.  Based on my personal experience, most "dark secrets" are more easily digested by others than we ever imagine they will be.   A quick note...if your dark secret is truly damaging to self or others, take the high road and do what it takes to get rid of it.  

 

3)    Manipulation

 

Manipulative individuals can brainwash us into believing things about ourselves that just aren't true.   Ex-spouses and control-freaks are famous culprits here...yet somehow we allow their poisonous message through.  A major life skill central to deserving what you want is learning how to see yourself as others see you.  If you are being told you are a jerk a few times a day, well...yeah...look in the mirror.  However, if the only person on Earth who thinks you "don't love your children" is your ex spouse, well then you now know what to do with that information. 

 

Unfortunately, there are religious organizations out there that have fine-tuned their guilt-producing machines to utter precision.  This is also a control mechanism, and one that carries shocking effectiveness in the lives of many people.  If the message of a religious organization, or one of its members, is causing you to be paralyzed with guilt or shame ask this:  Does that feeling represent your vision of the God you worship?  

 

4)    Abuse

 

If you have been abused in any form it is NOT YOUR FAULT.  This is certainly not a forum for formal recovery from such hurt, but I have seen an incredible number of people (men and women) have their identities in the dating world profoundly damaged by the abusive acts of others.  Potential partners will not judge you because you were abused.  Having been the victim of abuse, the only way you are limited from deserving the partner of your dreams is if YOU do so because of guilt or shame.  Period.

 

5)    Divorce   We know that divorce can weigh on one's self-esteem.  However, sometimes divorce also fosters a mindset of feeling judged by God or others, thereby causing us to feel we are not to participate in future relationships.   

 

Truthfully, 21^st century life is rarely as cut and dried as we would like it to be.  In my own experience, there was no infidelity in my first marriage, yet because of very complicated circumstances there is absolutely no way I could have done more to make the marriage work and no chance for living the remainder of my life with my ex-spouse.  After careful evaluation I learned how--and why---to move on, and am at peace with it all.  When there is no chance for reconciliation for valid reasons that are largely beyond your control, you simply must realize that it's a trap to remain mired in guilt.