[X&Y] Reader Questions And Comments
Published: Wed, 11/01/06
www.deservewhatyouwant.com
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MySpace My Bad
So how about some more pictures of you and Emily and
the kids? I feel like we barely know
you apart from the newsletters and the "About Us" section on the Web site.
R-South Africa
You know, it finally occurred to me that
the main websites (www.deservewhatyouwant.com
and www.xandycommunications.net)
really don't have a lot of info like that, do they? I suppose it's easy to think all of that isn't so important when
one is both the author of the content and the webmaster, right? I've always tended to stick to cranking out
"dating and relationships stuff", but it looks like some of you want to know
exactly who is behind the curtain.
To that end, I've finally gotten around to
customizing my MySpace.com profile as it should have been months ago. The blog over there has been off and on, but
the profile has just been sitting there all generic and what not. Having been inspired by some of my peers, www.myspace.com/x_and_y now has a
bunch of pictures and info that I think reflect what Emily and I are about
pretty well. That gives anyone who is
interested in seeing some more personal stuff the chance to do so without
breaking the flow of the "content". LOL
If you are used to seeing other "dating
coaches" posing with Playboy bunnies on their MySpace profiles, you are in for
a change of pace. You'll immediately
see a difference. And hey, life is pretty
darned good... So stop by www.myspace.com/x_and_y and make a
friend!
Rampant Abandonment
Scott, I read the 29 page book and it is
truly amazing. I am 58 yr young, look 40 and have lost the love of my life
after 4 children and 25 years. She met a guy online and after 2 days they are
planning a wedding. Needless to say myself and the kids are....don't know what to
say. Anyway I have had some experience with dating on the internet and my
situation is most women don't even want to talk to the old guy, so I have
abandoned this idea. How do I get past this and get them to meet me?
S-TX
It has been quoted very often, but for good reason. Henry Ford once said, "Whether
you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right." Unfortunately, he's no longer around to believe in getting Ford's
stock price back up, but I digress...
Take a casual look around you.
People in their 50s, 60s and beyond are dating all over the place--and
remarrying. Heck, Emily was pointing at
the Food Network the other day and beaming at how "cute a couple" Paula Dean
and her new husband are.
The biggest
inhibitor of your success right now is simply (but perhaps not easily) your lack of a belief that you
can share in such joy. Given the recent
shock to your system, that's not surprising.
But the fact is that you can't let any more time pass before getting on
with things, and it looks like you are about doing just that.
No worries...I have just the cure.
I think it's great that you look way younger than you are. That should help your confidence. But what should SUPERCHARGE is that your own
wife of twenty-five years was able to make some guy so wildly attracted that
long-term decisions affecting the livelihood of several people other than
themselves were made after two days of knowing each other.
If your own wife of 25 years can make that happen, I promise you
that you can start dating again...and you will.
Internet or no Internet. The
e-booklet "Get What You Deserve" (which is FREE by the way from the Web site)
is packed with ideas, as you've already seen.
Now it's time to put them into action!
Final Approach?
hi SCOT
Your general philosophy about approaching the
chicks really kicks [booty]!!! Treat them as people
whose company you enjoy and not make a mountain of it.
I'd like to know how much you've applied this
''approach" philosophy and how successful you've been in the last few
weeks.
LOOKING FORWARD TO READING ABOUT YOUR OWN
PHILOSOPHY
C--France
Well, seeing
as how I'm sorta engaged to the most amazing woman of all time, I haven't been
doing much formal "approaching" of women in "the last few weeks". But I do think you have summed up my
philosophy on the subject very well.
The most
effective way to start a conversation with a woman you've never met is to
behave as if you've already known her forever.
I don't mean "known her" in the Biblical sense here--I'm talking about a
light, easy manner of conversation that puts the other person at ease
immediately. While "pick-up lines" and
the sort tend to derail potential success, the confidence tied to not
"expecting" a certain "outcome" from an initial conversation with a woman
really helps. And yes...if you genuinely
enjoy the company of members of the opposite gender you will always (ALWAYS)
have more natural conversations that women enjoy. Actually, that holds true for either gender. If you have an innate distrust of or even
distaste for the opposite sex you are going to hamstring yourself here. Hear that, ladies? Friendly women get approached more often!
Interestingly,
although I am not about meeting women for the purpose of dating these days, I
have become comfortable enough starting conversations with women that I still
am able to interact with them easily during the course of basic, general daily
operations. The reason this is so is
that I cured myself of having an "agenda" of trying to impress women when
meeting them. If there's no sexual
agenda, then the freedom just to joke around and potentially lighten someone's
day just for the sake of it is a joy unto itself. Just this morning I was at the drive-thru at Whataburger. The gal
said, "Just drive through...I have a bad connection with you." I pulled through and said to her, "You're
such a liar." She replied, "What? I am NOT!".
I then said, "Oh yes you are. I
haven't had a 'bad connection' with a woman since the seventh grade!". She shook her head and laughed, and it felt
nice to brighten up someone who is actually working at 7am. But I'll tell you...if you have that mindset
and are SINGLE your social schedule is going to fill up fast.
Oh...and if
you are wondering, the woman at the drive in window this morning was of
retirement age and working at the Whataburger to "stay busy". Developing the habit of brightening a
woman's day without any agenda whatsoever means that it ceases being a
pressure-packed dating ritual and becomes who I am at the core of my
being. So, in retrospect, I guess I
have been "successful" in the past few weeks.
In
the mean time I'll read
http://www.xandycommunications.net/archives/pickup_artists_070506.htm
Just
asking..!
I agree that the first few podcasts are tough to listen
to. In fact, astute observers will
notice I flat-out retired the first two and made a suggestion in the feed's
text that new listeners start with the newer episodes.
Basically, Emily and I began podcasting at
first simply for the heck of it. This
was also back in June when we still had relatively few readers.
Since then, a lot has changed and we've learned A LOT about
how to make them better. Admittedly,
having monthly download numbers registering in the thousands kicked us off our
chairs a bit towards doing so. So
you've probably noticed that as the episodes get newer they get "easier to
listen to", for lack of a better description.
Just this week we went to a higher sound quality bitrate at
the expense of bandwidth because when the dust cleared that was what people
wanted to see. I went back and
"remastered" Episodes 9 through 13, so those were retroactively improved. Unfortunately, though, the sound quality on
the others cannot be fixed. The .mp3
files as they exist are the best copies I have. Bummer. Especially since
I agree with you...the topics we thought of first were very central ones!
What Do Single People Know About Dating Success? (Then Again, What Do Married People Know
About Dating?)
Scot, what makes one a dating coach? Are you like Hitch? Do you get a lot of second dates? Are you still single? If you are still single what makes you an
expert at dating? I hope you don't find
me rude. LOL I read your article on www.searchwarp.com and just thought I would
mail you personally and ask that. LOL
Rose DesRochers - www.todays-woman.net (name used with
permission)
Hello Rose.
Great questions.
Hitch, although a fun movie, is but one
representation of what a dating coach may do--and a fictional one. Although X & Y Communications (www.deservewhatyouwant.com) is our primary brand,
DateToOrder (www.datetoorder.com)
is our latest venture. DTO is a bit closer philosophically to what Hitch
may have done, although not quite. We specialize in helping online daters
eliminate bad first dates and make better decisions, and can actually increase
the odds of helping people get a response from one special person in particular
who catches his or her eye.
"Dating coach" is a catchall term for a
dating consultant. As there are still relatively few of us out there, the
actual job description can vary with the skills and or preferences of each
individual professional. I do consultations and field work, as you might
imagine, but also have a major focus on producing books and audio programs. I've actually come to realize in recent
weeks that most people probably think the term "dating coach" itself is a bit
nebulous if not silly, so I've kind of stopped using it.
It's funny that you should equate being
single with a perceived lack of credibility as a dating coach. That's
kind of like asking a psychiatrist if he is qualified to treat mental illness
if he is still sane. LOL!
Ironically enough, I've been also asked if
I thought getting married will render me unqualified as a dating coach.
Right now, at this moment in history, I have a pretty good answer to either
conflicting point of view. You see, after lots of dating, I have met the
most wonderful woman I can imagine and the wedding is set for 12/9. So being "engaged" is the magic answer to
both shadows of doubt, right?
Ultimately, I believe that marital status
has little effect on one's effectiveness as a dating coach. That said, I
truly believe that getting married may actually cause me to have to be
MORE on top of things since I am no longer actually dating. My fiancée
Emily and I are in this together now (starting with a podcast called "X
& Y On The Fly" that we host together), so we will help each
other with that.
I enjoyed being single and dating
successfully very, very much. Part of being successful at dating was
being able to determine exactly when it was time to choose one terrific woman
and marry her. That is what I was fortunate enough to do. That
said, unmarried people don't all necessarily want to tie the knot just yet, as
I once felt. A successful dating life is a lot of fun, even if you aren't
about casual sex.
Unfortunately though, whether one wants to
date a lot or to find the right person, a large number of people aren't
successful. I live for the challenge of helping others become successful
as I have learned to be. A track record of dating success is crucial
in the dating coaching field, especially given the dating coach having gone
through a development process him or herself rather than having been a lifelong
"natural". Since I have done just that, I believe in my
concepts since I know them to work first-hand. Interestingly, I find
myself able to make a positive impact on men and women, which is unusual in my
space. I also use my real name, as I have no conflicting views penned
elsewhere to a different audience under a different pseudonym. For what
it's worth, my educational background lends itself to this sort of thing,
although I'm not sure that was prerequisite to my landing here.
As for getting second dates, I've dated
well over 100 women since my divorce before meeting Emily, and all but one that
I desired a second date with was up for it. Considering I nearly
stood that particular woman up the first time around
(unintentionally), I more than deserved it! LOL
Thanks again for your great question!
Note:
Rose DesRochers is a well-known writer and blogger, with high-traffic
web sites www.todays-woman.net
and www.bloggertalk.net. We made friends over an email exchange as started above,
and she has since posted my articles on her website. In return, I'm happy to introduce you all to her.
You're More Than Welcome
Scot,
Thank you so much for the book. I am really excited that you chose to use my
recipe! The other ones look great too
and I can't wait to try some new stuff out.
Thanks Again!!
Erik Melchiorsen--Laetitia Vineyard & Winery--CA (name used with permission)
You are more than welcome, Erik.
Erik's recipe for Beef Tri-Tip with grilled asparagus is in the new book
"Cook For Your Date, which earned him a free copy of course". Erik's recipe was one of the coolest ones I
received, in large part because it is a great recipe for guys to try out and is
written up in the style of a guy who's got that figured out. Great job!
Oh, and hey Erik, next time you throw a romantic dinner with your
"secret weapon" of a recipe, bust out with that last dessert on page 208. That seems like a perfect way to top it all
off.
If you are ever in San Luis Obispo County, CA be sure to check out
Laetitia Vineyard & Winery. They
offer a free tasting session, and have one of the nicest product sets in
California. No joke. It's right off of Hwy 1--you can't miss it.
Babysitter Blues
Scot,
Here
is my q; how does a single person mention the fact that they cannot afford a
babysitter all the time without being considered a user, cheap, etc? The
reason I ask is that I am not comfortable mentioning my funds or lack there-of
with people I am still getting to know. It seems that society now places
too much importance on a person's fiscal worth, so I am really unsure what or
how is the proper way to bring something like this up.
R--TX
In my case I somehow got really good and / or lucky (scenarios that
tend to follow each other logically, by the way) at meeting women with
daughters the same age as mine. This
strategy may not work for everyone, especially given the facts that... 1) ...my little girl was in a new city and in
need of new friends to play "My Little Pony" with, and... 2) I
have a particularly good track record of making friends with women and
remaining so even if "dating" doesn't work out.
In your case, even if you are able to orchestrate such social
grace, there really are fewer single dads than single moms. So you will indeed have a relatively small
pool of guys to fish from.
(Freebie: Guys, if you are a single
dad you can freely assume you are going to be MUCH more popular with single
moms because of the topic at hand here.
You also demonstrate that you are SAFE when you have custody of your
young children, right?)
Based on the wording of your question, my intuition tells me that
at least one guy has offered to pay for a babysitter on your behalf. Although I understand the principles that
cause you to be reticent about that, I want to encourage you to try accepting
the offer sometime.
Here's why.
First of all, despite the stereotype of women "taking their
husbands for all they're worth" in a divorce, experience shows that many, many
single moms are left in serious financial turmoil after a divorce. Similarly, it's well known that single moms
who have never been married face incredible financial challenges given their
responsibilities.
Guess what? Some of us guys GET IT. Some of us completely understand that a
single mom's net worth isn't tied to her, um, "net worth" if you get my
drift.
Further, we know that lots of
single moms face lots of impracticalities when it comes to dating. Many times, all of this adds up to the
answer to why many single moms give up on dating altogether.
That would be tragic in your case...and not just for you. After all, it looks like there's a guy out
there who wants to spend quality time with you enough that he's generously
offering to do whatever it takes to make that happen...including covering the
babysitting costs.
Obviously, use your
intuition with regard to spotting manipulators, but given an otherwise solid
guy with normal intentions, refusing to accept his offer means you are actually
taking something off the table that would make both of your lives a bit
happier.
Company Ink
Hi. I'm a man who's
just a bit confused by a response I got last week when I asked out a very
attractive lady. I asked her out and got a "maybe" response. So
what exactly does that mean and how should I proceed if I want to try again
with her?
A bit of background...We
work for the same employer, and see each other about 2-3 times a week in the
hallways. She's quite a bit younger than me probably early-mid twenties
(I'm 37). Anyway, I've had several seminars/meetings which she's been
involved with. I always thought she was really cute from the first day I
saw her, but I'm sort of shy, so it took me a while to get up the nerve to ask
her out. I went down to her office early last week to pass along some
work related information, but didn't have the nerve to ask her out then.
We've talked some at work, mostly about general stuff, just chit-chat.
Had a two day meeting last Thursday/Friday and I made up my mind I was going to
ask her out. During the meeting, she sat across the room from me and it
seemed like she was flirting with me. She'd flip her hair, smile at me a
lot and place her hands the same way mine were. There were about 20-25 people
at this meeting, so it wasn't too easy to just go talk to her. I did
some, just small talk, and finally I decided to ask her out Friday.
I went up to her after the conference was over, and asked her if she was seeing
anybody. She said no, so I asked her if she'd like to go out
sometime. Her response was maybe, so I said she knew how to contact me
and left.
She has been in meetings Monday/Tuesday, so I thought
about trying to maybe contact her Thursday. But I don't want to come
across as being pushy or anything like that. Should I try to contact her
first or wait a while and see if she tries to contact me?
I figured I'd
ask her if she'd like to go for a walk downtown one afternoon on break and/or
maybe ask her out to lunch one day.
What's the best way to do
this so I don't get the dreaded "no" or another "maybe" answer. I could
find an excuse to go to her office, but there are other people around and it
makes me nervous enough when I'm asking somebody out without having other
people around listening in. Would a phone call be a better way of doing
this?
I've thought about asking some of her co-workers about her since
I'm friends with some of them, but I'd rather just ask her myself.
I hope you can give me a
quick bit of advice. The maybe answer was one I haven't heard
before. I'd almost rather she'd have said no. Is maybe just her way
of saying she's not interested without saying no? Or could she also be
shy and just not sure about dating an older guy?
From what I've seen of
her, I think she might be shy.
Whatever advice you can
give me would be much appreciated.
Thank you!
J--Parts Unknown
If she is actually a co-worker, which
wasn't completely clear in your letter, I'd avoid dating her altogether because
of the potential complexities involved.
The old adage about "dipping one's pen in the company ink" applies
here. Basically, the assumption is that
your career is too important to sacrifice at the alter of having to deal with
someone on the job that you are
involved with or (worse) were involved with.
It's my contention, however, that such is
a moot point in this case.
"Maybe" as an answer is a purely manipulative tactic that (at
best) puts her in the driver's seat insofar as decision making goes. At worst, she gets to control you to meet
whatever non-romantic needs she has (job related ones, even? Ouch!) by
perpetually "dangling a carrot". My new
friend Doc Love (www.doclove.com) would
say she has a "low interest level" and therefore should be backed away from.
Any scenario such that you've described never leads to increased attraction on
her part. Plus, she's been straight-up rude to you. My general
impression is that you don't deserve this sort of "game
playing". If you see the world as rife with female possibilities,
you will not have such a pronounced need for this particular woman. The
irony is that once that is a reality for you, women like this start coming to
you.
This means you'll also open up a world of
new possibilities outside the workplace also.
How cool is that?
Be Good,
Scot
McKay
PODCAST UPDATE: Episode 15 of "X & Y On The Fly" is the "Bratty-cast".
This show has more information on "brats" than a parking lot full of
Green Bay Packer fans. You know that
you can always hit up http://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly or www.deservewhatyouwant.com/main/podcast.htm to subscribe.
What's new at the Web site is the ability to sign up for email
notifications when new shows are posted.
Something else that's new is increased sound quality (Is that a chorus
of slow clapping I hear?)
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