[X&Y] A Finely-Tuned "Fluff" Detector
Published: Sat, 03/03/07
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WELCOME TO DAVID DEANGELO INTERVIEW SERIES LISTENERS
(which is like 1000 new guys since last week...
literally):
This is the first newsletter for the majority of you.
I've gotten lots of emails and calls from you guys (and
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when I answer the phone. Like it says on our website,
the phone gets answered and/or messages are returned.
Hiding behind a wall of Internet marketing never made
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soon figure out that I actually like to WRITE useful
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*****A FINELY-TUNED "FLUFF" DETECTOR*****
I'm not sure exactly. Maybe it was the seven years I
spent working with gang kids. Perhaps I've been
conditioned by those eleven years' worth of high-
pressure dealings with telecom companies. Or, more
likely, it was the last five years' of dating that got
me to this point.
But there's no denying it. I have a "smoke" detector
that would make "Judge Judy" jealous.
Let me explain. I make it a point to look for the
best in people, and I believe I do my part in bringing
it out in them. And as an adopted Texan a handshake
means something to me. But I'll tell you what--there's
wisdom in training ourselves to recognize when
someone's trying to deceive us...and courage in having
the self-esteem to accept that we're being flim-
flammed and to call it out.
For some unknown reason, such trickery is particularly
prevalent in the dating world. Here are eight
examples of the many ways people try to dupe us into
accepting ridiculous circumstances:
1) "Get in touch with me and we'll make plans"
Said as a response to interest expressed by someone
else. At best a person who replies with this is on the
fence about whether or not to go out with you. At worst,
they've already made the decision. Either way, don't
count on it happening. If this was a promising
situation, you would be hearing more details. All of
this is especially true when a woman hears this phrase
from a man. He would be asking for your number were he
interested.
That said, I am not going to discount a man having such
fear of rejection that he still doesn't ask for a woman's
number when fed a similar line as an obvious hint. But
that's a different context. And besides, ladies, you are
better off NOT hearing from that guy anyway.
2) "Call me on that day and we'll set a time for the
date"
Translation: "Yeah, well...I think I need some extra time
to work out the details of how I'm going to end up flaking
out on you." Let this person rearrange his or her sock
drawer in peace.
3) "Oh, him/her? S/he's just a friend"
Let's assume for a moment, hopefully correctly, that you
are not a pathologically jealous loser. Fair enough?
Okay, then...if you had to ask this question, his or her
"friend" ISN'T JUST A FRIEND. And if the person of your
affection DOES operate with his or her "friends" in a
manner that fuels speculation otherwise, why put yourself
through being concerned about it? Find someone with
integrity.
Which, of course, segues nicely into the next bullet
point...
4) "I think we should just be friends"
Long utilized as a de facto standard by disinterested
people everywhere, this signals that all attraction is
now lost--if there ever was any to begin with. Sometimes
a person really, truly does want to remain friends with
someone despite an utter lack of romant-o-sexual(TM)
chemistry. But such a mindset requires immense
integrity on the part of someone who has true character.
Knowing how rare that is, rest assured that this line is
typically employed an allegedly "nice" way to actually
end things.
5) "I'm not ready for a relationship"
Followed mentally by, "...at least not until someone comes
along who is more targeted towards who I am looking for
than you are." Argue with me if you must on this one.
I've seen people who were just "hurt bad" by someone,
"focused on work" and/or "getting in touch with self
right now" meet someone who really rocks their world.
Then all of this crazy talk about "not being ready" goes
out the window. Deep down, unless we are in a coma we
all are ready to "relate" to someone--as long as it's the
right someone.
6) "Maybe"
But most likely NOT. People who are interested don't use
this word with you unless they are major game players.
In either case, find someone else to spend your valuable
energy on.
7) "I've been really busy"
This is simply metaphorical for "you are not a priority".
You and I both know that it's basic human nature to move
mountains in order to create huge blocks of time out of
the "busiest" of schedules when we meet someone we are
truly crazy about. Don't shout me down for telling the
truth.
8) "I have to be home early and/or get up early
tomorrow"
Ah, yes...the trickiest one of all. Sometimes this one
really is TRUE. What a bummer to have to play this card
at face value. After all, most of the time this is what
falls out of the mouth of someone who wants to bail out of
a date IMMEDIATELY.
So how can you tell the difference? Simple. If it comes
out of LEFT FIELD and without any elaboration, there's a
100% chance he or she wants out...now. On the other hand,
if you are told ahead of time about it you can put some
stock in the statement...ESPECIALLY if he or she bends rules
a bit when the pre-determined hour arrives and chooses to
stay out a bit later. Additionally, when someone
legitimately has to get home early you are likely to be
BOMBARDED with heartfelt apologies and proactive
suggestions about when and where to see you again.
I know that most of you have heard some of these examples
before. In fact, I'm willing to bet that you've even
uttered some of them yourself.
Either way, it comes down to something other than a desire
to be blatantly deceitful.
I believe all this "smoke blowing" is rooted in nothing
other than sheer cowardice. People just don't have the
guts to tell other people the truth. So they lie. My
stand on the matter is that we're all adults around here
and tactful positioning of the TRUTH is always more
productive for everyone involved in the dating world than
laying false hope on someone. Never mind that whoever is
subject to such mental gymnastics would to be naïve and/or
flat-out obsessed to believe any of it. That's beside
the point.
Yet, many of us are serving up more "whoppers" than Burger
King when it comes to dealing with people who are
interested in us. Stop that. Be honest with people. And
be honest with YOURSELF when you are hearing any of the
lines above. What we often consider "tried and true" lines
to feed one another are actually "tired and FALSE".
Deserve what you want.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
NEW PODCAST FOR MEN ONLY--"THE CHICK WHISPERER": This is
long-overdue and highly-anticipated. I know that sounds
like marketing copy, but let's face it--this show should have
been started months ago. And my co-host Steve "The Dean"
Williams (http://www.dating4men.com) and I have been talking
about it about that long. In case you missed it last time,
one of YOU coined that title phrase for me and I LOVE IT!
So then, enough already. The first show is RECORDED and I
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have a free copy of How To Manage Your Wildly Successful
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field-test to see how many people actually read this far...
Oh yeah, the feed is:
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PODCAST UPDATE: First of all, WE NOW HAVE CD QUALITY SOUND
on all of our shows from ODPR #5 onward. Talk about
something that is truly "overdue", right? Episode 24 of
"X & Y On The Fly" is about kissing and it will be released
sometime this weekend. Following up Carlos Xuma from Episode
23 is no easy task, but Michelle Penney from Kissing 101
(see http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/kissing for that) and
Janet Morehead from Mojo-Maker.com are super guests. If you
can't melt someone by the time you are done listening to this
show, it won't be our fault. This is NOT going to be a
"history lesson", but rather REAL, PRACTICAL stuff as always.
So subscribe on iTunes right now at:
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fifth episode of "Online Dating Profile Rating"
(http://feeds.feedburner.com/onlinedating) is out as is the
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to help you go from GOOD to AMAZING in deserving what you
want. The newly-updated info pages are online at:
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http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/women. The
February edition of Power Sessions For Men takes the XYotF
podcast's discussion of masculinity to a much, much deeper
level. Don't miss that one, guys. I can't think of a more
important topic for men when it comes to improving skills
with women. Emily just released her March edition day
before yesterday. I'll tell you, any woman who listens to
that series is all but sure to become the kind of woman that
no truly masculine, confident man could ever resist. So
check it out: I not only have a top-notch wife, she's out
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PARTNERSHIPS WITH DATING SITES: Emily and I met on
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