Reader Questions And Comments
Special Note
As most of you know Emily and I are getting married this weekend. I can't believe it's only four days away--it genuinely seems like Podcast 11 (the "Proposal-cast") was just yesterday. Come to think of it, time has really flown since that first breakfast together back in February...
As you can expect we've got a house full of people coming and we're off to our honeymoon afterwards. So...I've got something really cool in store for you. The next two newsletters following this will be "guest editions" written by friends of mine.
To the several of you who have asked...we'll have lots of pictures. Now if only we can keep the paparazzi away from that Italian castle, right?
As you can tell, I'm in a great mood this week, so I also have a wedding present for YOU...take anything you would like from www.deservewhatyouwant.com for 35% off. Simply enter the code "wedding35" when you order, and you are all set. Matter of fact, why not invite someone over for a great dinner for two between now and Christmas? Tell you what...get Cook For Your Date, enter "wedding50" and you've got it half-price. If you've never cooked for a date before, wait until you unleash this power in your dating life. You'll wonder what took you so long. I'll leave those specials up until we get back from the honeymoon. Cheers!
And yes...Emily and I are going to get Podcast 19 out for you tonight. This one is going to be called "What Men And Women Don't Get About Each Other". We both are claiming "top secret material" for this one...
Now onto today's question...
Nice Guys vs. Good Men
Hello,
I have enjoyed listening to your podcast, and it is showing me many areas in which I am not doing the right things to keep a nice woman attracted.
I am the basic Nice Guy that seems to either find a women that wants to just be friends or go off and cheats to break my heart so I will never want to see her a again.
I had just found your podcast this week so I am playing catch up. In one episode Emily was telling us that most all women try to nicely let us guys down when we try to talk to them to see if we have anything in common. For me just walking up to a lady and starting to talk has never worked--and I am not talking about just going up to a lady and wanting to bed her.
Most every lady seems that they do not want to talk. If I e-mail a lady on Match or Yahoo, they do not reply. A few may look at the profile. I had one reply back but she was a scammer, and just was running a con for some money. I do not know why it a person cannot send back a simple e-mail to tell someone thanks but no thanks.
I still hope and pray that I can find someone special. I know that I am a nice guy, and if I have to be a jerk to find someone then I it looks like I will not have any one special.
Thanks to both of you for the info on the podcasts,
Hey S.:
First, realize you are not alone. The majority of guys have a lot in common with you, and I've certainly been able to relate in the past.
But the past was yesterday. Let's talk about the future.
There is nothing inherently wrong with being a nice guy. That said, if you haven't read elsewhere by now, just about every "dating guru" in the world (myself included) harps continuously about how "nice guys" tend to land in the "JBF" ("Just Be Friends") zone...and FAST. Being "nice" just flat-out lacks any sexual charge whatsoever. If you've ever heard a woman refer to a man as "harmless", especially after an apparent sexual innuendo from the guy she's referring to, you've witnessed a prime example of how this phenomenon operates.
The solution is to learn how to balance being a good-hearted man with a solid dose of self-confidence and genuine masculinity. I don't think it's reasonable or even conducive to success in other areas of your life to expect you to magically transform into a "bad boy". Notwithstanding that, however, way too much noise in this culture is directed at attempting to brainwash us guys into thinking that "all male behavior is bad behavior". You likely believe that sexuality offends women, that women love "sensitive" guys and that "friends first" is the rule.
But as you know, once you are a "friend" you tend to stay there. Even if neither of you can really figure out why. (Hint: sexual attraction is NOT something that you can learn over time. It's either there at the beginning or it isn't)
And worse, once you have gone enough out of your way not to offend her, she feels as if she "owns" you. Actually, whichever gender you are, the partner who is either less attracted and/or "needs" the relationship less is in total control and can begin to take things for granted. That's when the cheating starts--especially when low-end people who lack character are involved. Some try to get away with whatever bad behavior (ironically enough) that they can, simply to push the proverbial envelope. Man or woman, if hearing this inspires you to avoid such a relationship, consider yourself as having dodged a bullet. The poor sucker who actually marries into such a situation is doomed to a lifetime of humiliation and frustration.
So you see, "bad behavior" isn't limited to either gender. But enough about other people. Let's get back to your situation.
Earning attraction from a woman involves walking a tightropeof being neither too "harmless" nor too "harmful". Creepy, aggressive, jerky guys LOSE (especially with the sharpest women out there)...except that so many men are soft, friendly or even downright apologetic that women end up with those guys anyway. Why? Because the latter is even WORSE to a woman than a "jerk".
I have no idea what you are writing to women on Match and Yahoo in your first emails. If you are like the vast majority of guys out there who are frustrated by their online dating experience, your troubles may be dramatically turned around by making changes to your profile narrative.
And I also have no idea what your demeanor is when you approach women in the "real world". But no matter what the scenario, you must be as confident in the greatness of who you are as you are in her potential greatness. My basic theme is "deserving what you want", and this is exactly what I am talking about. When you have your self-concept (aka inner-game) in order and do what it takes to deserve a great woman, your demeanor will transform into that of a man who is evaluating the worth of women he meets instead of that of a man trying to impress a woman...ANY woman. Ironically, women are impressed by that--especially women with a healthy self-image in their own right.
Do you see the difference there? Stop judging women as unapproachable superhuman entities strictly on looks alone. They are human beings with faults, just like you. Arm yourself with that knowledge. Doing so will help boost your self-esteem, and my guess is that you'll begin to find and attract great women who have a solid self-worth in their own right.
QUOTE: "I still hope and pray that the I can find someone special. I know that I am a nice guy, and if I have to be a jerk to find someone then I it looks like I will not have any one special."
"Hope" is not a strategy. And it appears you are conceding defeat to men you openly consider "jerks". So are you saying this is what women deserve? I doubt that's what you meant to express, but that's how it comes across. Start seeing yourself as a "knight in shining armor" who represents the fulfillment of a certain woman's fantasy. Then, put the time and effort in that is necessary to BECOME THAT GUY.
Kill desperation. View yourself as a man with options and you will quickly become one. If with a woman, serve notice that you are there by choice rather than by default.
As I said above, I can relate to the "nice guy" issue and I am all about helping guys conquer it effectively for the good of both men and women everywhere. As fortune would have it, I have the distinct pleasure of co-hosting a newly-launched podcast series entitled the "Mr. Nice Guy Show" with my friend, dating expert and legendary podcaster Steve "The Dean" Williams. I have to say we parody an extreme version of the "Nice Guy" concept pretty ruthlessly. If you want to know exactly what NOT to do, give it a listen. But check your "political correctness" at the door and be sure not to drink carbonated beverages while listening. The Dean is so hilarious that I'm still laughing. And I have no idea how I formed that noise at 33:01, but somehow it said it all. LOL!
The feed is:
Make sure the URL is all there when you cut/paste. It ends with ".mp3"
I'll talk to you again in a couple weeks. Until then, enjoy the podcasts and the "guest appearances" by my friends.
Power Sessions For Men is NOW AVAILABLE. This monthly program is dedicated to our most ADVANCED material and is designed for YOU...if you are serious about finding and deserving the most amazing person you have ever met. Emily will be hosting Power Sessions For Women in the near future, likely beginning after the wedding and the holidays. For now, get a handle on the "Deserving Community" by visiting www.deservewhatyouwant/powersessions/men.
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X & Y Communications is dedicated to making you the most skilled participant in the dating world you can be, at whatever stage of life you are in. It's all about straight talk about the most creative subjects, somehow encompassing moral principles while being neither too shy nor too judgmental to hit the important things head on. The basic stuff you've heard a million times isn't rehashed around here. Enjoy!
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