[X&Y] Getting Beat By A Girl
Published: Thu, 03/08/07
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WELCOME TO MORE DAVID DEANGELO INTERVIEW SERIES LISTENERS: This is
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GETTING BEAT BY A GIRL
There's a lot of talk about "approach anxiety", and for good
reason. It has been optimistically estimated that over 80% of all
men are terrified of approaching attractive women they have ever
met. And let's face it: without overcoming this fear it's all but
impossible for a man to experience any success whatsoever in
meeting great women, let alone attracting and keeping them.
Most of the information I've read on the subject centers around
teaching men to sack up and "get over it", using any manner of Jedi
mind tricks designed to help us "deal with rejection", "visualize
success", use "indirect openers", etc. But I've read relatively
little on the subject that dives beyond the surface of the issue.
Most of us are or were at some point in our lives afraid to
approach women. Instead of being given a pep talk, I'd rather know
WHY we as men are almost universally affected by this, and HOW we
fell into this trap. From that position of understanding, it makes
sense that we can better figure how to dig ourselves out.
And it is absolutely a trap. It's an irrational fear for a man to
be "afraid" of women. After all, most of us as men are not
catatonic basket cases sucking our thumbs in a fetal position when
it comes to other aspects of our lives. We play football in high
school. We go downhill mountain biking, surf hurricanes, get
concealed weapon licenses, street race muscle cars, ask customers
for high-dollar sales orders, train pit bulls, get full-sleeve
tattoos, do third-gear wheelies on GSXR-1000s and remove offending
garden snakes from backyard sheds. Some of us even DAYDREAM about
things like making high-pressure 20-foot putts for birdie on the
18th green at Augusta National.
Yet, we cannot bring ourselves to go talk to an interesting woman
at a bar, an airport or even in our own dormitory at college.
To further underscore how bizarre this phenomenon gets, I remember
running with a crowd primarily composed of United States Marines
back when I lived in Yuma, Arizona. We'd park our sportbikes
somewhere to grab a bite, see an attractive woman and NOT ONE OF US
would talk to her. We're talking about guys who had VOLUNTEERED
to risk their lives for this country, and furthermore had just
finished a pavement blistering canyon run five minutes before.
What is going on here?
Here it is: it's not the WOMEN themselves we are afraid of. It's
our own egos that hamstring us. Allow me to elaborate.
We as men are competitive beings. When we're out with our buddies
it's one contest after another. That's all well and good, and we
like it that way. But deep in the soul of every man is a mortal
repulsion against getting "beat by a girl". Whether women like it,
understand it, think it's silly and/or can deal with it is actually
irrelevant. It's a fact. The archetypal shame associated with it
is wired into our XY genetic code.
Remember back in sixth grade when the girls were maturing and the
boys were, well...still looking like little boys? Remember in gym
class how some of the girls could run faster and throw harder? It
was a drag, wasn't it? When we as guys got older that problem took
care of itself for the most part...except in two notable areas: the
business world and, of course, the dating world.
In the business world women are going to get promotions and ascend
to positions of power with or without any input from YOU in
particular. If a woman "beats" you in that arena, you can either
accept it and stick around or find another job.
But dating is another story. The "competition" is mano a mano when
it comes to approaching a woman. And THAT, my brethren, is where
we as men let our egos betray us. We tend to see approaching women
as a COMPETITION. If you or I approach a woman with this mindset,
we believe someone is going to WIN and someone is going to LOSE.
If she REJECTS us, we lose--and we've been "beaten by a girl"! And
even if we DO get a smile and a phone number, if she doesn't answer
the phone when we call her we STILL are getting "beat by a girl".
Given this situation, it's a no-brainer to see why most men don't
even bother to talk to women AT ALL. The risks to ones
psychological well being are just too great. Getting "beat by a
girl" is more painful than crashing and burning anywhere else.
So what's the solution?
The discussions I've heard about reframing the approach so as to
involve a QUALIFICATION PROCESS are the closest to hitting the
mark. Our problem as guys typically is that we've PRE-QUALIFIED
women before we've even met them based on their looks and/or how
they appear to handle themselves from afar. Having already decided
we like a woman before even meeting her, the insidious "contest" is
on. Every time.
Instead of approaching women with our approval already sewn up, we
need to start putting women to the test in the same manner they
famously test us.
Men are typically the CHASERS and women the CHOOSERS in this
society as a result of how men tend to view this stuff. Men who
deserve what they want and who refuse to "settle" need to start
raising the bar, refusing to offer up immediate approval to women
we meet until they have proven to be as attractive AFTER we meet
them as they were BEFORE we met them. Women instinctively evaluate
us when we approach them, as we know all too well. It's time for
us to start doing the same--which we have every right to do as
fellow human beings.
And look what happens in that case. The "competition" factor has
magically been lifted from the scenario. If we haven't yet reached
our own conclusions when we approach a woman, she really can't
"reject" us...or "beat" us, as it were. She can only pass or fail
our own evaluation process. And as any man who conducts himself
with dignity and refuses to "settle" knows, women who are rude
and/or quick to dismiss us thereby fail the qualification process.
The principle at play is much the same as when a pushy or otherwise
socially inept man fails a woman's test...as well it should be. It's
as simple as that.
Simple, maybe, but not easy. It may take some time to unlearn the
poisonous habit of seeing the approach as a competition. But the
fact remains that we as men have the power to view things in the
more sober context of mutual evaluation rather than "winning" or
"losing". In doing so we overcome THE major contributor to
"approach anxiety". And I assure you the effort is well worth it.
Strangely enough, the women will even appreciate you MORE as a
result. After all, women love real men.
Be good,
Scot McKay
DISCUSSION FORUM: I am seriously considering starting a message
board. Email me at scot@datetoorder.com or call me at 210-260-6400
with your ideas and/or comments.
PODCAST UPDATE: Episode 24 of "X & Y On The Fly" is about kissing
was finished and posted on Monday night. Michelle Penney from
Kissing 101 (see http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/kissing for
that) and Janet Morehead from Mojo-Maker.com are our guests. The
sound quality is great, and we think it's one of our best
all-around episodes yet. The next few episodes will cover
Pickup/Seduction, Femininity, and Online Dating. GREAT interviews
in store there, some of them already recorded. So subscribe on
iTunes right now at itpc://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly.
Meanwhile, the sixth episode of "Online Dating Profile Rating"
(http://feeds.feedburner.com/onlinedating) was posted this morning
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from GOOD to AMAZING in deserving what you want. The newly-updated
info pages are online at
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February edition of Power Sessions For Men takes the XYotF
podcast's discussion of masculinity to a much, much deeper level.
Don't miss that one, guys. I can't think of a more important topic
for men when it comes to improving skills with women. Emily just
released her March edition day before yesterday. I'll tell you,
any woman who listens to that series is all but sure to become the
kind of woman that no truly masculine, confident man could ever
resist. So check it out: I not only have a top-notch wife, she's
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