[X&Y] I Gotta Have More Cowbell
Published: Thu, 03/15/07
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I GOTTA HAVE MORE COWBELL
First and foremost, if you are unfamiliar with the classic Saturday
Night Live piece that inspired the title of this week's newsletter,
take five and enjoy the video courtesy of YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXNVkqv40rE
I've been giving considerable thought lately to why so many first
dates go awry. Based on some of the emails I get you would think
that the concept of a first date going well is about as rare as an
'86 Yugo in running condition. Are half of us really that
deficient in making a solid first impression? Or is it the OTHER
half of us who are that unreasonable in our expectations?
Here's exactly as bad as it gets. I can tell you with a straight
face that I think most of us are BOTH. "C: All Of The Above".
Ironically enough, these days people want immediate gratification
even as the concept of "customer service" is all but instinct. So
in a world of short attention spans and expectations of
disappointment by the Legions Of The Unjazzed (see newsletter
2.01.07) we make dates with people. Assuming we have enough
integrity to show up rather than flaking out, we expect to be
"entertained" even as we feel perfectly free to leave our "A game"
hanging in the locker.
We're going on dates, but simply put we are not "bringing it". And
to complicate matters, thanks to online dating many of us are going
on more first dates than ever with people we haven't even MET
before. In such situations "going big or going home" takes on new
meaning.
So then, like Christopher Walken, "I got a fever. And the only
prescription is more cowbell."
Here are eight ways we fail to put forth our best effort on first
dates:
1) Failure To Communicate...AT ALL
Maybe you're nervous. Perhaps you're playing it conservative so as
not to "blow it". But if it takes four dentists, two rocket
scientists and a small boy to extract words from your mouth when
you are sitting in front of someone you just met don't come whining
to me when the date doesn't progress the way you want it to.
2) Interview Questions
This is obvious and you've heard it a million times before, haven't
you? Yeah well, the problem is that we STILL KEEP DOING IT anyway.
So instead of repeating the problem for the seventy-leventh time,
here's a practical solution: Take careful note of anything
interesting that you happen to see or read during the day of the
date. When you meet the person, casually begin conversation using
the topics you've already invested time in preparing to talk about.
Tease a bit--whether you are a man OR a woman. Use the "banter"
skills you've learned. When you start hearing "I've known you for
ten minutes but it's like we've know each other for years" then you
know you are on the right track.
3) Don't Feel Like Being Here
I've actually heard horror stories where someone's date actually
SAID this at the front end of the date. Lookit. That's
practically tantamount to soft-core dating terrorism. "Hello, A.
I'm B. I really don't want to be here. No really--I have better
things to do." You know, I'm beginning to think that flaking out
on someone at the last minute--or even flat-out standing them
up--isn't as bad as it gets.
4) Distractions
Can you put down the cell phone for however long the date is going
to last? Can you handle it? Can you trust that the house isn't on
fire? Better yet, can you hold a conversation without spacing out.
5) Mentally Detached
I'm going to dogpile "tired", "stressed", and "preoccupied" onto
this category. Dates that happen over lunch or at the end of a
work day are particularly prone to "compression sickness". If you
aren't completely present you aren't, well...you aren't all there.
At least that's what the other person is going to be forced into
assuming. This can even go so far as to creep someone out, which
we all know is the Thing That Must Never Happen.
6) Rushed
Yeah you may go so far as actually wanting to be on the date. You
may even have had a good night's sleep and a caffeine fix. But if
you are trying to shoehorn a planned 2-hour experience into 25
minutes because "something came up" then you're stacking the deck
against anything good coming from the date. At least the ordeal is
an abbreviated one, right?
7) Apathetic Towards Appearance
Emily commented about this to me recently. She noticed, and I
agree, that people in general are much more cavalier about how they
dress and clean up than they used to be. Maybe the "business
casual" revolution has DE-volved into the "post-casual" debacle.
Sure you don't want to telegraph some needy fixation on
"impressing" someone. But that's not at all related in concept to
making no effort at all to even look good.
8) Sex Focused
Objectifying your date early and often invariably leads to
indifferent response. And no, this isn't necessarily a purely male
phenomenon anymore (as if it really ever was). Stop focusing on
sexuality and start igniting masculinity or femininity instead and
you will discover life-changing secrets to getting second dates.
If this doesn't make sense, send me an email.
Remember, this once again--as is usually the case around here--comes
down to deserving what you want. Are you expecting to meet
exciting people who you are actually attracted to? Stop arriving
for dates expecting to be "entertained" and start putting some
focus on being excellent. Gotta have more cowbell, baby.
And if you have examples I missed, send them over. Next week is a
"Letters" segment.
Be good,
Scot McKay
PODCAST UPDATE: Episode 25 of "X & Y On The Fly" is going to be
about online dating. Yeah, we know that this show is WAY overdue
considering that Emily and I met online. So we'll have PLENTY of
good stuff in store for you. We're also thrilled to announce that
Grant Adams from Net2Bed/Net2Wed (see
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/grant for that) is our guest.
Grant is one of the most respected experts on the subject of online
dating excellence. You've likely heard his name before, and if
you are familiar with his work you know that he brings a wealth of
amazing experience to his craft. I'm still amazed that a woman on
a nationally televised show about online dating picked his profile
on the air out of the entire online dating pool in Southern
California. That speaks volumes about Grant's ability to truly
back up what he talks about. So subscribe on iTunes right now at
itpc://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly. Meanwhile, the seventh
episode of "Online Dating Profile Rating"
(http://feeds.feedburner.com/onlinedating) is coming up as well.
As you would expect, all of these can be subscribed to via feed,
through iTunes or via email. As always, we appreciate a review on
iTunes and/or a vote for us on Podcast Alley. Remember you can
now leave us voicemail at 210-362-4400.
THE CHICK WHISPERER PODCAST FOR MEN: Steve "The Dean" Williams and
I posted Episode 2 a few nights ago and it is available at
http://feeds.feedburner.com/thechickwhisperer. We answer your
emails (questions@xandycommunications.net) and voicemails (call
210-362-4400) on the show, and will be having some heavy-hitters as
guests.
POWER SESSIONS FOR MEN and POWER SESSIONS FOR WOMEN: ...are where we
share our very best material, specifically designed to help you go
from GOOD to AMAZING in deserving what you want. The newly-updated
info pages are online at
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/men or
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/women. The March
edition of Power Sessions For Men was unleashed just this morning
and covers serious topics never heard before--I guarantee it. I
even included a powerfully candid interview with Joseph
"Thundercat" Matthews as a surprise bonus this month. So don't
miss out, guys. Emily's March edition is out also. I've listened
to it and Emily has some mind-blowing insights, ladies. I can
guarantee that any woman who listens to Power Sessions For Women is
going to see a side of my lovely bride that few people on Earth
have had the opportunity to experience.
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