[X&Y] See Yourself As Others See You. See Others As They See Themselves.
Published: Fri, 04/06/07
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SEE YOURSELF AS OTHERS SEE YOU. SEE OTHERS AS THEY SEE THEMSELVES.
This week let's talk about another way in which both men and women
completely hamstring themselves when it comes to gaining confidence
and meeting members of the opposite sex. Today's angle is a
particularly interesting one for two reasons. First, and as is
often the case, I've never heard or seen it discussed anywhere
else. At all. Second, and importantly, the concept is undeniably
useful for both men and women.
What's more, we're going to transcend the whole "choosing" vs.
"chasing" theme for now (i.e. who's approaching whom and under what
circumstances) and get straight to the core of the matter. As a
matter of fact, it's so foundational to success with not only
members of the opposite sex but for LIFE in general that you could
argue that it surrounds both INNER and OUTER game like an envelope.
As the title has already telegraphed, what we're talking about here
is training yourself how to see yourself as others see you...and then
how to see others as they see themselves.
So what does that mean?
You as a human being are in a remarkable position. Have you ever
considered how wild it truly is that out of six billion plus human
beings just like you on this planet, you will only ever see light
through the eyes of ONE of them? You are confined to your own
physical being, at least as far as the laws of physics apply in
this life. The metaphysics of all this are, of course, a subject
better suited to some other newsletter that is not about dating and
relationships. Fair enough.
But since we ARE focused like a laser on your total, utter and
massive success in the dating world--up to and including complete
control over your dating life--you'd best believe that there is
tremendous value in exploring this concept more deeply from a
certain perspective.
So many of us are limited in our belief that we can possibly
deserve the kind of partner we want. Going way beyond "approach
anxiety"...going way beyond "getting beat by a girl" and indeed way
beyond anything you've ever heard until now, it can be safely
assumed that much of the problem is directly attributable to how
you see yourself vs. how you see others.
Here's what I mean.
Since you know every intimate detail of your own thoughts, fears
and weaknesses--as well as your strengths, of course--you know all of
your own darkest secrets. Every imperfection, every prurient
thought, every doubt and indeed--every single blasted thing that
would cause you humiliating embarrassment if others knew.
Armed with this knowledge, what do you do? You go out and become
completely disarmed by a "beautiful" and apparently "perfect"
creature of the opposite gender. In your mind, he or she is
flawless.
Then comes the vortex of self-doubt. "Oh man...I could never be in
HER league. She's a veritable vision of perfection...and I can't
even get into an elevator without feeling claustrophobic, come from
a foreign country, need a haircut, have a big nose, have spring
allergies, say stupid things when nervous, masturbate twice a day,
chew my toenails in private and once cheated on a math test."
So once again you talk yourself out of being successful.
Erstwhile, your "vision of perfection" is inside her own state of
being thinking, "Girl...get yourself TOGETHER! Your panty lines are
showing, you have stupid looking ears, are habitually late for
work, snort when you laugh, have two crooked teeth and wear contact
lenses. NO WONDER you've been DATELESS for a MONTH now!"
Crazy stuff, isn't it? If only we could see inside each other's
heads. Better yet, if only we could read the thoughts of others
regarding US.
Well, you can't do that, but here are two simple exercises you CAN
do:
1) Eliminate private knowledge as a "limiting factor" and take
notes regarding how others respond to you
First and foremost, realize that your private thoughts are NOT
public. Nobody else can evaluate you by them, so STOP using them
against yourself. They do not exist in the minds of others because
they CANNOT. Next, consider the comments you receive from people.
Where you hear patterns repeated, believe what you are hearing. If
pointing to ways you can better yourself, DO SO and deserve what
you want. If you hear recurring positive comments and/or see
recurring positive reactions to your presence and/or interactions,
begin to recognize the truly positive manner in which others
perceive you. This sounds so simplistic, yet how many of us go
home and obsess over self-perceived "negatives" that we are
repeatedly told are POSITIVES? If in doubt, begin to pay careful
attention to this dynamic in your life. Note the PATTERNS that you
detect, and trust them.
2) Pretend you are walking in the shoes of someone you find
attractive
Okay, here's the "power ball". Ready? My guess is that when you
encounter someone who really motors your sexual attraction levels,
that person is actually more "perfectly imperfect" than "perfect".
The next time you are practically paralyzed by attraction towards
someone, I want you pretend for a moment that you were THAT PERSON
instead of yourself. In your darkest, most self-critical thoughts,
what would you be most self-conscious about? Go ahead and in your
blind attraction make an effort to approach that concept with sober
judgment. You will likely identify an entire litany of faults and
potential attitudes that would make him or her VERY insecure, at
least theoretically. Ironically, you may find yourself recognizing
traits and/or features that some people may be self-critical about
but which are at the same time EXACTLY what is making you so hot
for this person. It's strange for sure. But it is an EYE OPENER.
What we're really exposing here is a dark corner of human
ARROGANCE. We somehow believe that our own self-pronounced
judgments both AGAINST ourselves and FOR others somehow carry
greater weight than everyone else's, don't we? That's exactly what
ends up limiting us, yet we really yours or mine is only one of
over six billion different perspectives--be it towards ourselves or
others. Allow yourself to open up to seeing others' perspectives
for a change. Do so and enjoy the shock when you finally do meet
someone who knocks you out...and you realize very quickly as you get
to know him or her that many of the insecurities you saw from their
potential perspective are actually ACTIVELY present in theirs. And
feel the power and joy of being able to share with that person what
others--namely YOU--see instead. How cool is that?
Usually you'll hear me harp on deserving what you want. Today you
get a breather. Today I've let you in on a secret: You may
already deserve WAY, WAY more than you have been giving yourself
credit for.
If you want a shining real-world example of exactly what I am
talking about here, listen for the "surprise interview" in Episode
24 of X & Y On The Fly, which also features a great interview with
Grant Adams, by the way.
Be good,
Scot McKay
THE DISCUSSION FORUM (aka MESSAGE BOARD): The forum is flowing
with topics like online dating, cologne,
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with equally fantastic insight behind them. I have to tell you, I
am already pleased at how the personality of this community is
exactly what I envisioned: tasteful and intelligent, yet willing
to throw the major issues on the table. Great stuff so far. Come
join in!
YOUTUBE(TM) VIDEO: We will have an X & Y On The Fly LIVE show and The
Chick Whisperer TV. The first episode of at least one of those
will be filmed this weekend. We'll be working the editing on these
and getting the quality way up before posting, so look forward to
good stuff.
SINGLE DADS: Here's a reminder for those who didn't catch this
announcement last week. The next product we do will be an audio
program entitled "Dating Strategy For Single Dads". As you know by
now, I like to cover areas that NOBODY ELSE can or will. I Googled
my brains out and couldn't find anything out there for guys who
have custody of their kids and want to have wildly successful
dating lives. Having been there myself, I know there's a wealth of
great information on that subject that's screaming to be unleashed.
So guys, if this describes you MAKE IT A POINT TO EMAIL ME and
give me your ideas and/or suggestions for this program. I know
that there are a lot of women out there in newsletter/podcast land
also, so if your impression is that there is a need for this to be
a co-ed program PLEASE speak up. Both Emily and I were single
parents with custody.
PODCAST UPDATE: "The Chick Whisperer" episode 5 is online as of
this morning, and this week we cover rude rejections and age
differences--what a combo. Listen in for yourself at:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/thechickwhisperer. Episode 26 of "X &
Y On The Fly" will indeed be the long-awaited "Seduction Cast".
We've got Joseph "Thundercat" Matthews
(http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/thundercat) and the guys from
Pickup Podcast (http://www.pickuppodcast.com) on tap for that.
Subscribe on iTunes right now at
http://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly. The ninth episode of
"Online Dating Profile Rating"
(http://feeds.feedburner.com/onlinedating) also hit the street this
morning, and it could be our most profound episode ever. As you
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This week we gave out a cool prize from Grant Adams
(http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/grant) and you never know what
might be next...
POWER SESSIONS: In a few days I'll be recording the April Power
Session which will cover all the steps to setting yourself apart as
a truly extraordinary man in the minds of women. Check it all out
at: http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/men. You can
even get the first month FREE when you get your hands on any of the
three books. Emily has released her April edition which covers all
the right questions a woman should be asking men who are in her
life. This is great material. Ladies, get in on that at:
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