[X&Y] Dating Wake Up Calls
Published: Thu, 02/08/07
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***Note: Today's newsletter is an adapted excerpt
from the upcoming book How To Manage Your Wildly
Successful Dating Life, to be released within the
next couple of weeks. Enjoy!***
DATING WAKE UP CALLS
Every day I talk to men and women who are facing
their fair share of the challenges that face
nearly all of us at one time or another in the
dating world. That's to be expected, and is part
of the human experience...at least nowadays it is.
But man...from time to time I encounter stories and/or
situations that are definitely non-standard.
Particularly interesting are the brouhahas men and
women get themselves into that involve clear passage
into the realm of "cognitive dissonance", which is
essentially the concept of continuing to believe
that something is the case when the evidence is
overwhelming that such is indeed NOT the case.
And it's that great desire to have someone we are
practically obsessed with "love and accept us for
who we are" which leads us into this particular
brand of turmoil when it comes to dating. Every
time. Unfortunately, when we want so badly to
believe that someone who is indifferent (or even
flatly uninterested) is going to accept us and
become romantically attracted to us we open the door
to being manipulated, trifled with or flat-out USED.
Here are some specific scenarios that I have seen in
real life. If you can personally relate to any of
what follows it's time to WAKE UP and realize that
someone you have the "hots" for is being at best
opportunistic with you or--at worst--is going to milk
his or her relationship with you for all you are
worth.
1) Financial Appeals
One time a few years ago I picked up a woman at
her home to take her out. She informed me that
she would need a few more minutes because she was
IMing with a guy two thousand miles away. She said
it was important because although she had no interest
in ever really meeting this man he "sent her money
all the time". So she was essentially leveraging
her "feminine wiles" for purely ulterior financial
motives (which I referred to immediately as "Typing
For Dollar$"). Inexplicably, the lonely guy on the
other end of the conversation let this go on and
actually sent her checks.
Predictably, this same woman woke up a few days
later to an empty driveway, her SUV having been
repossessed. I'll never forget the phone call where
she demurely purred a request that I "lend her
$17,000". I may never forget that phone call, but I
forgot her. Fast.
2) Requests For Favors
Unfortunately, situations like unto what I'm about to
describe are not rare. Back in my early twenties I
lived with several roommates, all of whom attracted
women easily and often. One day I came home and a
pleasant young woman with a particularly sweet
personality was nearly finished with what must have
been a monumental task of having deep-cleaned our
entire house from top to bottom. Speechless, I asked
what prompted her to do such a thing. "Oh", she said,
"Your roommate hired me to be your maid." It turns out
he "forgot" to pay her the paltry five bucks (!?)
agreed upon. Yet, she was back again the next week for
more of the same. My roommate never so much as asked
her out. Ever.
And I bet you thought I was going to cite a woman doing
this sort of thing to a guy, didn't you. Wrong. This
is not a gender-specific deal.
3) Invitations To Spend Time And Resources
What if someone invites you to go somewhere or do
something that's particularly expensive and/or far away?
What if the same person who invited you casually expects
you to foot the bill and/or do the driving? I believe
the answers to these deep questions are rhetorical. Yet,
it's amazing how many single people have a Blackberry
full of willing minions.
4) "Coincidental" Timing
This bullet point is particular appropriate to discuss
with Valentine's Day rapidly approaching. Old flames
have a way of flaring up in early February. There's
just something about Valentine's Day that "ignites"
dread and frustration there, causing them to pick up the
phone. "HEY...you've been on my mind lately for some
reason and I kind of miss you..." Yeah, yeah. Next.
The Valentine's Day factor here is readily transparent.
But question the intentions of anyone who disappeared off
the planet only to suddenly resurface later with a new
agenda. No matter what the calendar says.
5) Sexual Bargaining
You would think, were stereotypes accurate, that men
would bargain FOR sex and women would bargain WITH sex.
Well, allow me to be the first to inform you that such
thinking doesn't necessarily apply anymore. Beware the
particular danger of being blindsided by this brand of
manipulation when the roles are reversed. That's what it
is, too--manipulation. And let me tell you, this can creep
up on you with such a quickness that when the realization
of what is going on whacks you upside the head you don't
know whether to stare wide-eyed in the mirror in disbelief
or to just burst out in laughter.
I hear at least one guy reading this muttering to himself
that he should be so lucky to be "manipulated" as such.
To each his own. But once you get total control of your
dating life like I've been talking about around here my
guess is that you'll develop higher standards. Nice.
6) Pregnancy "False Alarms"
One time I called things off with a woman who I had been
spending some time with. That arrangement apparently
didn't meet her needs. Three days later she called me up
claiming that she was "pregnant with my child" and that
she was "keeping the baby".
I had never had sex with this woman.
And no, I am not making this up.
If you are left slack jawed at the reality that the above
hijinks go on in the real world, count yourself fortunate
to have the wherewithal to exercise common wisdom in your
own dating life. If you can relate, however, get out of
such a poisonous arrangement and do it NOW.
And a final thought, which I would be remiss if I excluded
from this conversation. If you are looking in the mirror
and realizing that you are in fact the perpetrator of such
preposterous dealings with people in your own life, my
only message to you is that today is the day to start
deserving what you want. Users and manipulators will get
used and manipulated in return along the path of a
frustrating and fruitless journey to find a partner with
whom he or she can enjoy a mutually respectful
relationship.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
PODCAST UPDATE: Episode 23 of "X & Y On The Fly" is
about masculinity. Our guest is none other than Carlos
Xuma from Dating Dynamics (find out more at
http://www.deservewhatyouwant/carlos. Meanwhile, check
out "Online Dating Profile Rating" (
http://feeds.feedburner.com/onlinedating) and "Nice Guys
Need Love Too" (http://feeds.feedburner.com/niceguys).
As you would expect, all of these can be subscribed to
via feed, through iTunes or via email. PLEASE write a
review on iTunes and/or vote for us on Podcast Alley.
35% OFF DESERVE WHAT YOU WANT: Have you read Deserve What
You Want Yet? If not, that is the single best way to get
the foundation of what we talk about here in the newsletter
and--more importantly--begin to get your dating life handled
in a way that few ever learn how to. If you have been
putting off reading it, here's a motivator for you: Go to
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com, click on any image of
the blue DWYW book cover you see and when you order be sure
to enter "dwyw35" into the "coupon code" box and I'll give
you 35% off the book from now through the weekend.
Remember, Emily and I have kicked off our married lives by
launching PowerMonogamy.com. We give away a DAILY MINI
PODCAST over there called The DatingCast Minute. Now you
can get a brand new message on a daily basis...all for
f-r-e-e, of course.
Power Sessions For Men and Power Sessions For Women are
both in full effect. These monthly programs are dedicated
to our most ADVANCED material and is designed for YOU...if
you are serious about finding and deserving the most
amazing person you have ever met. Get a handle on the
"Deserving Community" by visiting
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/men or
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/women.
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