[X&Y] Oh Him? He's Harmless.
Published: Tue, 05/29/07
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IT'S A BOY! Emily and I just found out that we will be having a
son. Right now, the plan is for him to be a 'junior'. So we'll
have a 'Little Scot' running around the house in no time. Both
half-siblings are stoked, as we are. To celebrate (and because we
have another mouth to feed on the way) I've got a coupon for you.
Simply enter 'itsaboy35' into the coupon code' field when ordering
and score 35% off anything you would like from
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(www.deservewhatyouwant.com). This coupon will be live until June
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the first month of Power Sessions as part of the package.
OH HIM? HE'S HARMLESS.
When two people are seeing each other and one isn't quite 'feelin'
it', the other is invariably about to get the 'Just Be Friends'
talk. This, of course, is assuming we're not dealing with
desperate, clingy people who would rather 'settle' than be
confronted with having to meet someone else. And 'nice guys'
everywhere universally dread the 'JBF', as inevitable as it ends up
being much of the time when a woman's femininity fails to be ignited.
But there is a place even more dreadful than the 'JBF' zone.
Dreadful, yet oftentimes completely ignored as even a remote
possibility by most men. After all, if you are imprisoned there
you may not even realize it--you may actually be naïve enough to
believe you are getting somewhere with the women you interact with.
And this, my brethren, is what makes this particular place even
more insidious.
Yes, indeed. If 'JBF' Is A 'Zone', Then 'Harmless' Is A 'Dungeon'.
You see, if you are given the 'JBF' lecture, then there's an
automatic assumption that at one point you at least were given a
chance romantically. If you are 'Harmless', it's generally
understood--probably by EVERYONE--that you have NO CHANCE. Not a
snowball's chance in Yuma, AZ. The crazy part of this dynamic,
however, is that 'Harmless' guys typically can get away with
breathtaking displays of flirtation with drop-dead hotties--and
actually get friendly responses from such women. Other guys around
them are awestruck. "How can THAT guy get so much female
attention?" Simple, Big Guy. He's HARMLESS. The other guys? If
they were to flirt like that they would risk being taken seriously,
which unfortunately is way too much risk for most guys (see
previous newsletter "Getting Beat By A Girl").
So how does a guy end up in the 'Harmless' category?
1) Too Young
One time a bunch of us were out at a restaurant that was
particularly known for hiring attractive waitresses. Someone's
eleven-year-old son began bantering with one such waitress in a
particularly forward manner. Before his embarrassed Mom could
bring herself to discipline him for his 'rudeness', something
bizarre had already started happening. The waitress was RESPONDING
to the kid in kind, culminating with a kiss on the cheek.
Preposterous! Nah...not really. He's HARMLESS...at least for several
more years.
2) Too Old
Another time, back in the IT world, I worked in an office
that--again--was known for hiring attractive women. One time, during
one of those impromptu hallway 'meetings', a very kind, paternal
British gentleman mere months from his retirement date wandered up
and proclaimed, "I do declare, NEVER have I seen such a FINE
COLLECTION of EXTRAORDINARY beauties in one office." At that
point, two of the referenced women exclaimed, "Awww!" and kissed
him on the cheek simultaneously. One Armani-clad thirtysomething
guy in the huddle responded by blurting out, "Hey, what about me?"
Both women raised their eyebrows and one retorted, "Him? Stop
being jealous. He's Harmless."
3) Famously Happily Married
If someone is blissfully happy in his or her married relationship,
and everyone knows it, there are certain--and sometime
strange--incidences when such a person can get away with jokes
and/or banter that nobody else could. Usually, this is seen when
there's a particularly quick wit and a distinct lack of jealousy
between spouses involved. Some can just naturally get away with
saying things to MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex), particularly
among friends or in the workplace, that others would never utter in
a million years. But it's okay. These people are HARMLESS.
4) Gay
When women OR men interact with MOTOS who lead an alternative
lifestyle, the flirtatious banter that can sometimes occur can
confuse the heck outta other people around. Now you know why.
Harmless.
5) Physically Uncared For, To The Extreme
If someone--particularly a guy--is morbidly obese, infirmed, poorly
groomed and/or extremely unattractive in some other way then he is
often considered HARMLESS by MOTOS. Ironically, the more
physically fit and sexually attractive a woman is, the more likely
she is to respond in a playful manner to flirtatious banter from
such a person--especially if she has an outgoing personality. Now
you know why this goes on. To a lesser degree this dynamic can be
seen in reverse (i.e. the woman is "Harmless"), but almost always
when the woman's personality makes her irresistibly fun to be
around...harmlessly.
6) Weak Personality, To The Extreme
Very shy, socially removed, and/or socially unskilled guys often
receive special attention from certain beautiful women, especially
very sweet and outgoing ones. Such women inherently understand
that these guys are likely getting zero female attention, and
therefore smile at them and hug them because they're HARMLESS.
After all, such socially hamstrung guys won't be crazy enough to
act upon it or anything.
By now you've guessed that the first four bullet points above
aren't really negotiable--at least we suppose not. Granted, boys
grow up, older guys can get "game" if they so choose (the gentleman
in the above scenario was not of that frame of mind), marrieds
aren't always immune to cheating, and those who are gay may become
bi-curious. But generally speaking, those first four scenarios are
safe-havens for all involved.
It's points #5 and #6 that we can do something about. If you have
solid reason to believe that either of those last two situations
apply to you, and you wonder how you can be getting female
attention but NO DATES, now you know why. I know this is where a
lot of guys live on a daily basis, yet an amazing number don't even
realize it. Just last night, Emily and I hit our local Sonic
Drive-In after the Spurs game. There they were: Two pretty young
women with their "Harmless" guy friends--both of whom were trying
unsuccessfully to believe they had a chance, much to the amusement
of the ladies. So yes...what we are talking about here is very, very
real.
While outlining what it takes for someone who can (and should) to
get out of the "Harmless Dungeon" is way beyond the scope of this
short piece, know for starters that it is absolutely possible--and
can be accomplished faster than most guys think. My purpose today
is specifically to shine a light on the issue, which I've never
read about elsewhere ever. For practical advice on the matter, the
Power Sessions series and/or the book Deserve What You Want both
deliver in great detail.
There is one key caveat to this conversation. Someone out there is
saying, "Yeah, but she gave me the 'JBF' talk before we even went
out...all I did was express interest. And that was the worst!"
Okay, granted. But that was no 'JBF' talk, at least as far as the
working definition we use around here. In such case, you've been
issued notice that you are supposed to remain HARMLESS...and to
please stay that way so she can peacefully forget this ever
happened. Call it a 'Harmless Talk in JBF clothing'.
And what if you are finding that MOTOS are completely disgusted
with you and avoid you at all costs? Okay, you've got me there.
Yeah, well... that's just flat-out 'Creepiness' and is truly as bad
as it gets, short of a formal restraining-order. That's the worst
'zone' of all. We've already discussed that one at great length in
the past (see newsletter archives and XYotF).
Be Good,
Scot
POWERMONOGAMY.COM: As of right now, www.powermonogamy.com is now
loaded to the gills with content specifically for those of you who
are married and/or in long-term relationships. We know--it's about
time. A lot of you who are reading have been looking for this from
us since we got married, and now you've got it. Having Amy
Waterman refer to us as "The Perfect Couple" in her latest
newsletter
(http://www.000relationships.com/tomen/newsletters/dating-success.ph
p) kind of kicked us over the edge. While we prefer to think of
ourselves as "Perfectly Imperfect", of course, we're still all
about sharing the secrets to a great marriage. In fact, tonight I
get to be interviewed by those same 000Relationships folks on "How
To Catch A Cheating Spouse", which should be a barnburner!
Speaking of Amy, there's...
...YET ANOTHER POWER SESSIONS FOR WOMEN BONUS: You already know that
Mimi Tanner is offering a special promo-edition of her book
"Calling Men" (www.deservewhatyouwant.com/callingmen) when you get
in on Emily's Power Sessions program. This is along with the other
bonuses we've been offering. Now, Amy Waterman is also giving you
a special report from her "How To Be Irresistible To Men"
(http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/amy) series. So Emily's Power
Sessions For Women series is even more loaded down with goodies than
ever. Nice!
ALL FOUR PODCASTS HAVE BRAND NEW EPISODES: Yep. You read
correctly--EVEN "Nice Guys Need Love Too" at
http://feeds.feedburner.com/niceguys. Now THERE is a perfect case
study on "Harmless"... Meanwhile, Joseph South
(http://www.modernmaleinc.com) is our guest on The Chick Whisperer
(http://feeds.feedburner.com/thechickwhisperer). As for XYotF,
"The War Of The Roses" has been unleashed...as has that "Introcast"
that several of you had asked about, which should help those of you
who are interested to get to know us better. So there's an
"Episode 28" and an "Episode 0" that are new to the feed at
http://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly. Finally, "Online Dating
Profile Rating" (http://feeds.feedburner.com/onlinedating) featured
a woman's profile this time. We've also already recorded Show 13,
where we address your email for the first time on ODPR. Remember
to drop us a voicemail at 210-362-4400. We've got PRIZES for
callers. Also, all of the podcasts are available via CELL PHONE.
The numbers to call are right on the title of the feed.
AND SPEAKING OF JOSEPH SOUTH: Steve 'The Dean' and I were guests
on the JosephWentSouth show this past week. We're asked about
amazing things like what the difference between solid dating advice
and 'snake oil' is, and what we think of long-distance
relationships. A half-hour of healthy grilling, all for your
benefit. http://feeds.feedburner.com/josephwentsouth
PLAYBOYSKOOLUNIVERSITY: Nick Shane's epic two-hour interview with
me is now a part of the Member's Section at
http://www.PlayboySkool.com (www.playboyskool.com). Nick brought
up quite a few topics that I had NEVER addressed before. It was a
blast. Check out his site, join his newsletter (which if you are a
fan of David D. and/or hilarious reads you'll love) and be sure to
enroll in the University. Despite the Hefner-esque URL, there's
something there for all guys when it comes to getting better with
women.
TWO COACHING SPOTS OPEN: Once again, two more people I was working
with directly progressed much more quickly than they ever expected.
This creates two openings in my coaching schedule. If you have
considered putting Emily and/or me to work for you, now is the
time. The last time I made an announcement like this, the two
spots were filled within hours. Email us at
info@xandycommunications.net. There is also time to do a few
Profile Overhauls. Check out http://www.datetoorder.com
(www.datetoorder.com) for that if it's time to get you the online
dating success you desire.
PODCAST PHONE NUMBERS TO LISTEN IN ON:
X & Y On The Fly
289-466-5002
Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly
The Chick Whisperer
415-376-7267
Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/thechickwhisperer
Online Dating Profile Rating
305-890-1549
Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/onlinedating
Nice Guys Need Love Too--Comedy Cast
305-890-1558
Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/niceguys
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