[X&Y] Reader Questions And Comments
Published: Mon, 06/04/07
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
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Now, on to your questions...
=====
(STILL) MARRIED WITH CHILDREN
Scot,
At what point do I tell women that I'm separated and have a 3yr
child? I have shared custody with my wife. I don't want to scare
women away.
I'm 36 yrs and the women I've been meeting are under 25yrs so many
of them don't fully understand my situation.
Thanks,
JG
Well, that's a great question. But you likely aren't going to like
this answer.
I doubt your three year old or the age gap has as much to do with
what you are experiencing as you think. The reason you are scaring
women away is because you are MARRIED. You'll find they "fully
understand" your situation in a manner that is more in line with
your expectations once your divorce is final.
Until then, I don't blame them for not sticking around.
Think about it.
I realize that the logistics and parameters of "separation" vary by
locale, but in most places there is no such thing as "legal
separation". And even if there is where you are, it's not exactly
as final as "divorce". Since you are still married, almost
anything goes. You are still legally involved with your wife.
Neither the divorce nor the legal ramifications of it have been
finalized.
Further, when someone presents him or herself as "separated" there
is no safety net whatsoever protecting that claim. There's no
divorce decree on record at the courthouse. For all we know,
someone who is "separated" might still be going home and sleeping
in the same bed as his or her spouse.
And that's how perfectly well-meaning peeps like you and I get SHOT
AT.
Now, if all of that isn't compelling enough, let me go ahead and
answer your first question about when to tell women you are dating
about all of this: IMMEDIATELY. Anything short of that is false
advertisement of your singleness.
=====
JOHNNY "ONE-ITIS"
Hello Scot,
Just finished listening to your April bonus of power sessions for
the second time. Wow, that was some powerful stuff, I just wish I
had joined earlier. You see I am the kind of guy that opens doors
for women and calls to make sure they got home safe. By the way,
you can really make an old women's day by opening the door for her,
that's some great stuff, they appreciate it and it makes you feel
more like a man.
My dilemma lies with I found a great women by your descriptions
"she would even reach over and unlock my door," on FarmersOnly.com
(www.farmersonly.com) and everything was going well, till I came
down with a horrible disease called "ONEITIS". After that this
great woman I was with started to distance herself from me and the
relationship ended really quick. I've been dating since then but
"I will not settle," so I'm becoming discouraged. How do I get
over screwing-up a relationship with a great woman?? I probably
have to go out and deserve more but I'm not sure what that really
means. Any help on the subject would be awesome. Thanks for the
terrific products.
Thanks again,
Mike
Hey Mike:
First of all, I am an incredible fan of Farmer's Only
(www.farmersonly.com). I made friends via phone with their founder
Jerry Miller one day and he is a flat-out terrific guy.
A lot of times, you hear that "oneitis" is cured by "dating other
women". But that's simply a means to an end--an objective activity
that needs to lead to a real mindset in order to be effective.
Ultimately, having a brain that is clear of any feelings of
DESPERATION or SCARCITY is what cures "oneitis" forever, even in
future relationships. If you believe you are a man who attracts
terrific women, then you will naturally begin to realize that there
are a lot of them out there. And even if there AREN'T "a lot of
them" out there, if you are a truly great man you will still be a
rare enough specimen that you will have this bizarre knack for
attracting those who ARE out there.
Having tons of women interested in you is like a magic "delete"
button for the weak, milquetoast attitude of clinginess that
frustrates women to no end. If you want to truly supercharge that
effect, work to become a man who takes charge of the evaluation
process involved with meeting women rather than idealizing every
cute lil' thang that you meet. I don't care if you've known her
for six months, there is plenty of chance there could be a 'deal
breaker' in there somewhere that has not reared its ugly head yet.
Notice I said "work" a couple of sentences ago. This truly is a
habit we're talking about here, and the old habit of immediately
validating pretty women and trying to impress them dies hard. Most
of us have been doing that our entire lives, so it's no wonder why
that's the case.
Now, here's the "money ball". To gain ultimate victory here, you
MUST understand that women are HARD WIRED to demand that a man be
of equal or higher overall status than they in order to be seen as
worthy mates and fathers to their children. This is based on
instinct more than any conscious decision. Just like you want her
to look good and be friendly, she wants you carry leadership based
on a position of strength. This makes women feel comfortable in
your presence, and attracts them.
You'll often overhear women who have issued "just be friends" talks
to "nice guys" who fawned over them say things like, "I have no
idea why I couldn't stay attracted to him. He's exactly the kind
of guy I know would be good for me. But I just wasn't feeling it.
I'm so mad at myself!"
The clincher, then, is to understand what women truly want from us
and begin to understand why things are as they are. I'm telling
you it's like getting whacked in the head with a 2x4 when you
realize how this all fits together. Believe me when I say that
this perspective cures you of destructive "oneitis" tendencies
pronto. After all, you now have OBJECTIVE knowledge on the
subject. Strangely, armed as such mentally you almost have
subconscious "survival instincts" of your own that kick in and nix
needy "oneitis" stuff when it wants to flare up.
In other words, you GET IT. And women will love you for it.
=====
THE BITTER END = A SWEET BEGINNING
Hello there,
Thanks for all those e-mails that you send to me. They are all very
helpful to my daily life. You have become a big part of my life,
really.
I read your last email, about "just settling" and it really
provoked me to think about my situation with my boyfriend.
I'm turning 21 this year and I have been going out for a year and
five months with my boyfriend The trouble is, and I have come to
accept this condition for all this time, he doesn't call, take me
out, or even send me a simple message just saying I love you.
Several times I have told him of how this makes me unhappy, but he
keeps saying that is just the way he is, and that he is
trying--which at the end of the day is left all up to me to do.
Its just that sometimes I feel I am wasting my time with him, to
understand where his coming from and all, and I start feeling that
one day he will probably get another girl and start treating her
the way I wanted to be treated and I feel like such a fool.
Do you think am right, or am I perhaps misjudging him?
Thanks for your time
V.
I think you are absolutely correct. In fact, all it takes is your
own personal feeling that you are "wasting your time" in order to
validate that.
It's all about deserving what you want. If you deserve better
already, and he isn't what you want, then you shouldn't stay in the
relationship. End of story.
That said, most do stick around until the bitter end for fear of
not meeting someone else and being lonely. One of two things will
take place when you actually do have the courage to end the
relationship. Either you will be shocked by how truly fast he is
replaced with better options, OR you will have a very valuable time
to do what it takes in your life to become someone who deserves
better.
=====
YOU'RE NOT THAT GUY
Hey Scot, hope you're having a great day.
My question came up the other night when I was talking with a woman
that was interested in me. We were having a great conversation and
somehow she had brought up that she had been drugged and raped a
few years prior.
This isn't the first time this has happened with me and a woman in
conversation. It actually has happened several times, like around
5 or 6
different women. They have either been raped or sexually abused
somehow. And I know there are many more out there.
I never asked specifically about their past. The topic usually
comes up after I bust on them about something that they do that
seems a bit odd, and then they produce their story of rape or abuse
as an excuse for their weird behavior.
My question is: Is there any good or better way to handle this
kind of thing when it comes up? If the topic only came once in my
life I would disregard it as a fluke, but I have never heard this
area addressed by any of the other dating gurus, and I think it may
have some importance. I'm hoping you can shed some light on this
for me.
Thanks, Scot keep up the good work!
Michael
What a terrific question.
Yes, that's the inherent risk of being open, flirtatious and
yes--even C/F. Unfortunately, it has been estimated that over 50%
of all women have experienced some sort of sexual or physical
assault. In fact, so have a lot of MEN, especially in childhood.
How we react to these traumatic situations contributes
significantly to who we are as individuals, for better or worse.
Some people are strong and remain virtually unaffected, while
others are scarred for life with a "victim's mentality".
First of all, don't let anyone lay a guilt trip or any sort of "man
bashing" attitude on you if you were simply attempting to be
friendly. It's not your fault she was assaulted, and you're not
like the other guy. I just wanted to get that out of the way.
If and when these situations come up as you've described, take her
emotions seriously but don't let her wallow in self-pity. It
sounds like in your case women are just throwing everything out
there on the table as part of saying "I'm sorry" purely from a
position of low self esteem. Feel absolutely free to tell a woman
that she can stop saying "I'm sorry" when she has nothing to be
sorry for. And you can likewise tell her that you are NOT like
this other person, whoever it was, and that your opinion of her is
not swayed by her revelation to you regarding the past. In doing so
you may possibly empower her to move on to at least some extent
that it's necessary. And my impression is that if she's
volunteering such info without direct inquiry, there's still a
weight on her shoulders that needs to be lifted.
Also know that neither you--nor I for that matter--are in the
business of psychotherapy. You can only respond as a decent human
being. You cannot "cure" anyone.
Ultimately, it is everyone's own responsibility NOT to have their
own respective lives ruined because of events in the past. We each
have a choice in that matter, whether we choose to recognize it or
not. Heck, look at Emily and I--both of us could EASILY have
wallowed in "victimhood" a few years ago, but didn't.
Thanks for the great question. And yes...isn't it odd how most
"dating advice" shies away from the more complex issues so often?
But those issues are very real...and learning exactly how to handle
them is precisely what makes "deserving what you want" such a
valuable process and a unique destination.
=====
Be Good,
Scot
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