[X&Y] Reader Questions And Comments
Published: Tue, 07/10/07
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____________________________________________________________________
READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
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And now, on to your e-mails...
=====
"RELATIONSHIP COUNCILING"
Scot,
I've been very close to this woman who is on our city council and I
am in an administrative position with the city. We have been
e-mailing a lot since December and have gotten together a few times
for coffee. She had been showing high interest level, strong body
language, etc. After one meeting she said we just seem to e-mail
each other but don't get any face-to-face time. So I asked her to
go for a hamburger and take a walk in the park. She said yes but
then said she was unavailable after all but wanted to do something
else later that week. I e-mailed her and asked what night was she
available and she said she would get back with me the next day
which she didn't except to comment on what went on at council. Two
days later she e-mailed me to say we would set a new date soon. I
didn't reply. At the next council meeting I was aloof and she
asked me afterwards if I was mad and saying we never talk and I
never e-mail her anymore. We talked briefly and then I went home.
No more e-mails or conversations and at last night's meeting she
seemed mad because I haven't been communicating with her and
basically ignoring her. Did I do right by pulling back? I get so
tired of her flakiness. She says she wants to have face-to-face
time but seems to find ways out of actually getting together. Is
she playing games, is she too inflexible, or just blowing me off?
What do I do now?
Ray
Hello Ray:
Thanks for your question.
Sometimes all of the "tips and tricks and tactics" you learn along
the way just get in the way. Remember, a lot of what is said in
terms of giving her space, not calling, etc. is designed to create
interest on her part as opposed to having you appear needy and/or
desperate.
When the woman is actually ALREADY interested, ignoring her and not
calling her back is viewed as disinterest. That's what's driving
her feelings, which she has been very clear about. No "decoder
ring" necessary here.
Two things to understand here. First, you initially showed
interest also, then "pulled back" as you said...largely because she
took her time in getting back to you. Many times when women feel
they are showing too much interest that is as yet unreciprocated
(or at least apparently not), their "desperation conscience" sounds
an alarm and tells them to back off a bit lest they smother you.
This is a valid response, of course. But since the timing of your
own pull-back coincided so ideally with hers, she really had no
choice but to feel that you had already been pushed away some.
That's why she's disappointed.
Based on your story it really only looks like she has had to
reschedule once. Since there isn't a clear pattern of flakiness
just yet go ahead and get that face-to-face time on the schedule.
=====
KEY PHRASE = "I HAVE ALMOST NO CONTROL"
Dear Scot:
Why when I'm not trying, females are attracted to me? To be more
specific: When It don't think I'm a female's type and I just talk
like I don't want anything and just offer good convo I tend to
attract these females who I thought would not be attracted to me. I
wish I could focus that skill when I'm interested in a female that
I perhaps think I am her type. It's cool when it happens. But I
have almost no control over it. So I have to be in the zone...so as
you guessed im more out of the zone than in. I'm overweight maybe
that's one factor. But what can I do to increase these rare
occasions?
Authentic. S.
Hey there.
Thanks for your question.
Basically, you have to start viewing all people--attractive and
female or not--as simply HUMAN. You are letting an agenda of
romantic interest get ahead of your natural social skill. If you
begin to form a habit of not pre-qualifying women before meeting
them simply on the basis of beauty, your more evaluative attitude
will help you interact with them with the same facility as you
would others.
Possibly, you may also see the "competition" aspect of it. In
other words, you want her approval and either you will "win" it or
"lose". This "win/lose" perspective hamstrings guys all over the
world...needlessly.
So take heart in this...your natural attitude when you don't "want"
someone must be a good one...after all IT WORKS. That's the hard
part; now it's about not psyching yourself out due to your weight,
or any other "limiting belief". After all, you've already proven
that your weight doesn't matter. The ONLY x-factor seems to be
your confidence level.
=====
"NICE GUYS" AND THE WOMEN WHO FEEL OBLIGATED
TO THEM
Hi Scot/ Emily,
Congratulations with the newborn baby that is coming.
I just finished listening to an interview between you guys with Amy
Waterman.
Usually I don't ask questions, but I want to... because I am in a
dilemma of what to do. I am still wondering if I should be friends
(as in normal terms) with an ex, because after we broke up (two
years ago) I still want to remain close to him and have kind of a
more than friends/less than lover kind of relationship...etc.
However, only until recently did I know that he felt that I was
using him, rather than he felt good around me. I thought our
problem was because I wasn't sure whether we should have sex and it
is a long distance relationship. However, he felt I was ungrateful
for the things he had done for me (including I didn't say thank you
after he treated me for dinner, never offered to pay)... I thought
it was understood between us as we were so close and I always tell
him that he looks good (which he is).
However, I have recently made a trip to Canada for 8 days (where he
lives) and he said that since we are not having sex, he felt weird
for me to stay at his condo. So I moved to another friend's
apartment. However, in the end, when I told him how I felt about
him, he said he only used sex as an excuse because he doesn't want
me to use him anymore. The reason I wasn't having sex with him is I
think all the romantic dinners, all the sweet gestures and sweet
talk are kind of a set up... because he didn't used to be like that
when I saw him sometimes last year.... so I felt really weird when
he comes off like that.
I really felt bad when I look at his most recent e-mails to me...I
felt so ashamed and wonder if he actually hates me, why wouldn't he
say so directly? He is very diplomatic...and he doesn't show his
feelings much.
It is for sure that we cannot have romantic relationship (due to
long distance and the misunderstandings...etc). But I felt he is a
good person and I felt good around him.
I would be very grateful if you can provide me on some perspective
on this. I would want to be married in two years and be as happy
as you two.... thanks so much!
Btw...Emily has a really cute, sweet girly voice.
Rhonda
[Ed Note: We edited the content of this e-mail. Rest assured
there was plenty more of the same.]
Hello Rhonda:
First and foremost, Emily is a really cute, sweet girlie. That's
why the voice! And thanks for the congratulations.
As for your message...wow...we almost don't know where to start.
Almost.
First of all, I wish I could bottle up your experience and send it
to every single guy out there who thinks that kissing-up to women
and spending lots of money on them is going to earn a their love
and/or sexual activity. And look what has happened here; he has
earned neither, yet here you are feeling guilty about it. In a
very real way, he went about things all wrong, but that's his
issue. Yours is that you indeed let him do that stuff for you for
way too long. That wasn't fair of you. [Ed note: Rhonda also
attached an email that alluded to how the guy did her taxes, paid
the tax bill, drove her to places like her friends' weddings and
even gave her tuition money.]
Now, in all truth, we're having a bit of a time following all the
drama here. You have broken up, but you've been together before
and broken up before...or is it that you broke up a full two years
ago and this is STILL going on? He lives far away, yet he was
giving you rides to other friends' weddings... His place, your
friend's place... More friends, less lovers, but still with
dinners and sexual pressure. Wow.
There's no way we can make a snap judgment on a relationship that
has been going on for over two years given the small amount of info
you've given us. Oh, wait...yes we can: End This
Relationship...NOW.
How can we tell you should? Actually, it's not rocket science.
There is no real communication of intentions or thought processes
between you. You each suspect agendas and ulterior motives.
Second, you have decided two years ago to BREAK UP, yet you are
still talking about being together long term? On top of that, you
two actually spend precious time haggling over the politics and
semantics of when, where and how much someone said "thank you"?
The most tangible, real concept surrounding this entire scenario,
actually, is that you have in fact answered your own question. You
have already decided--looooong ago--that this isn't the man you
want. I take it you did the breaking up, because he is still
chasing you sexually and willing to help with your taxes!
Another telltale sign that it's time to move on (as if another was
necessary) is that you openly lamented the prospect of having to go
out there and date again. Here you have to ask yourself why you
are so afraid. If it's because you feel that even a misguided,
disoriented, dead-end relationship that isn't even romantically
inclined is better than NO relationship then you are behaving like
a desperate woman. If it's truly because you don't want to have to
get all dressed-up and impress someone all over again, that's also
a misplaced fear. If you stay where you are right now, hamstrung
by fear of the unknown, you are clearly SETTLING, pure and simple.
If you have attracted this man who wants you sexually so badly,
then you can and will attract others.
The question now is, of course, what kind of man are you going to
attract? You may be surprised that when you are a woman who
deserves what she wants, you will in turn attract a different class
of men. To do that, you must be confident in yourself and your
femininity. Plus, you must date enough (and close to home) that
you are able to build a true perspective on what you want in a
man--especially if you would like to be married in two years. Best
of all, you will be utterly shocked at how little time and "heavy
lifting" it takes to meet someone and feel comfortable with him or
her.
When single, Emily and I both were routinely meeting people almost
EVERY DAY at one point before we met each other. It's just not
that difficult...especially when you realize you don't have any
other pressure on you than to be real. Not every first date has to
be to the Opera or Morton's Steak House.
Thanks for your great letter. We wish you great success in
deserving what you want!
=====
AND NOW...ANNOUNCING THE LATEST "INNER GAME"
TECHNIQUE: CHARACTER
Scot,
I just wanted to say "thanks" for what you do. I've subscribed to
your newsletters and podcasts for some time, and recently
downloaded and read thoroughly Deserve What You Want and Wildly
Successful Dating. I just finished listening to the Power
Sessions that came with the package, the one about women who try to
trap men.
After splitting with my wife not too long ago, I found the
"community" (starting with good old David DeAngelo) and noticed the
huge disparity in philosophies....you know what I mean...the "dark
side" and the "light side".
So to get to the point, I really appreciate that there's someone
out there like you who upholds integrity, and honestly works to
help us be better men...you've been continually inspiring and I
look forward to learning more from you!
Best Regards,
Jeff
You are quite welcome, Jeff. And THANK YOU for fully "getting"
what we are about around here.
Many of the VERY SAME "tricks" and "techniques" that certain "black
hat" guys out there in the "Seduction Community" are proffering to
supposedly "get women" are being used ON GUYS to sell books and to
build a cult following. I often wonder how long it will take for
many of the guys out there to figure that out.
=====
Be Good,
Scot
NEW AND IMPROVED VIDEO SHOWS: The "next generation" of X-Net video
shows, featuring some killer improvements, is ON THE LOOSE. Check
the "X & Y On The Fly LIVE" and "The Chick Whisperer TV" shows out
on YouTube at: http://www.youtube.com/group/datingadvice
(www.youtube.com/group/datingadvice).
THREE PODCASTS WILL HAVE NEW EPISODES BY WEDNESDAY MORNING: The
Chick Whisperer episode 11 features my good friend Brad Finsilver
from http://www.datementor.com (www.datementor.com) as co-host. We
talk about "daytime pickup" and you do not want to get caught
outside the fence on this one. The show is already recorded and it
is a total blast. All I have to do is edit it and up it goes. The
feed is http://feeds.feedburner.com/thechickwhisperer. Meanwhile,
on the XYotF front, Emily and I have a great interview on tap with
Jon and Laurie Weiss, relationship coaches and authors of "Being
Happy Together". The topic will be "What Is A Happy Relationship?"
and The Weisses can be found at
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/happy. Believe us...after nearly
fifty years of marriage, these two were on-point for this interview
like you won't believe. Look for the Episode 30 at
http://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly as always. Meanwhile, all I
can say about Online Dating Profile Rating show number "Sweet 16"
is "get your fire suit on"...whoa. That should be up by Wednesday
also at http://feeds.feedburner.com/onlinedating.
POWER SESSIONS: The July edition of Power Sessions For Men is ALL
about Situational Conversation. It is the longest one yet at
seventy minutes, and that's pure rapid-fire content as always.
Find out more at
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/men. There will be
yet another bonus program this month. As you may already know, new
editions are launched on the 15th of every month so getting in on
it a day or two ahead of time is almost like getting a 2-for-1
deal. You just can't beat it, especially if you get a free month
with your order of Deserve What You Want as described above. And
YES...Emily has her own kickin' version planned for the ladies. Get
in on that--along with some great bonuses to rival those we're
giving out for PS4M--at
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/women.
DATING COACHING WITH A DESTINATION: Ten-Plus is a guided,
structured plan of action for your dating success. If you are
serious about getting your skills with the opposite sex handled,
visit http://www.xandycommunications.net/main/coach.htm. Life is
too short to miss out on a wildly successful dating life, and this
is the fast-track. I have room for exactly two more in this
program for now.
EMILY'S "KEYS TO BLISS" NEWSLETTER: Emily has already sent out her
first newsletter to the ladies. Sign up for that by sending email
to emily@aweber.com. No subject or text is necessary. Joining
will not affect your membership to this newsletter.
PODCAST PHONE NUMBERS TO LISTEN IN ON:
X & Y On The Fly
289-466-5002
Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly
The Chick Whisperer
415-376-7267
Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/thechickwhisperer
Online Dating Profile Rating
305-890-1549
Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/onlinedating
Nice Guys Need Love Too--Comedy Cast
305-890-1558
Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/niceguys
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