[X&Y] Carlos Xuma Sits In For Scot McKay
Published: Fri, 05/04/07
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SPECIAL NOTE FROM SCOT: As Emily and I left on vacation this past
Friday afternoon, I'm pleased to tell you that someone I truly
respect--Carlos Xuma--accepted my invitation to "sit in" for me on
the newsletter this week. XYotF listeners may recall that Carlos
was a guest on our show about masculinity a couple of months ago.
If you are a guy who is interested in getting better with women, you
probably have to have lived under a rock for five years not to know
his name. Nowadays, however, Carlos is speaking to BOTH men and
women, so I thought he was the perfect guy to write to you this week.
And check it out...what follows is COMPLETELY ORIGINAL material that
he penned just for you. Enjoy...and I highly recommend visiting
Carlos' website when you are done reading. His material is some of
the most effective out there, and ALWAYS is presented with great
integrity. Be sure to get in on his newsletter also. If you are a
guy, check out: http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/carlosformen
(www.deservewhatyouwant.com/carlosformen). Ladies, Carlos' BRAND
NEW program for women can be found at (you guessed it):
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/carlosforwomen
(www.deservewhatyouwant.com/carlosforwomen). --Scot
CARLOS XUMA ON THE "FIVE BIGGEST FEARS" AND "THE PAUSE"
One of my good friends in the dating advice field called me the
other day,and in our conversation he asked me what I thought men and
women's worst fears were in dating. This had me thinking, and I
decided that I should put together a list of them, one for each
gender.
Here's my list of the 5 biggest fears for Men and Women in dating:
Men's biggest fears dating:
1. He will be rejected by her - possibly by missing one of her
"rules" ofthe game
2. He will lose his freedom in his search for connection
3. He will be seen as incompetent or a "failure" (i.e., not a
success)
4. He will not satisfy her sexually
5. He won't know how to handle or manage her emotions
Women's biggest fears dating:
1. She won't be physically/sexually attractive to him
2. She won't be able to create an emotional connection
3. She will not be able to get him to commit to her
4. She will scare him off when she shows her "real" self - (If she
becomes needy/clingy/emotional) - i.e., she will lose the emotional
connection she creates (him pulling away or becoming distant)
5. He will abandon her (materially and emotionally) for another
woman
The more I thought about these fears, the more they made sense. Like
it or not, we each have different needs within the context of a
relationship, and men will always differ in this regard. We can
continue to wish that we could change this, but the reality is that
we can't, so the most effective thing to do is to learn how to
manage and overcome these differences instead of fighting them.
(Unfortunately, we're all guilty of spending more time wanting the
opposite sex to just "be" more like us rather than learning new
skills tom breach the divide. i.e., laziness.)
Men's fears relate mostly to their own ego, competence, and
independence. He fears he will be inadequate and trapped.
Women's fears relate to their feminine identity, need for
connection, and emotional needs. She fears she will be unattractive
and alone.
Now what we come back to seems to be the age-old cliche of
appeasing a man's ego and overcoming his inability to commit, and on
the other side assuaging a woman's emotional nature and making her
feel connected and loved. BUT if we look deeper, there's more to be
learned, and it's not so much about THEM as it is about US. Yeah,
that means both of you!
In the process of reacting to an outside stimulus, we have something
unique to us. Most often we simply let our emotions go on autopilot
and we knee-jerk our response to a situation. Instead we have
something that is unique to humans. It's called The Pause. It's the
space between stimulus and response that we have ultimate control
over.
But we so rarely do.
And I call the process of controlling this moment your Pause
Conditioning.
Pause conditioning is simply this: When you encounter a situation
that demands some kind of a response (and not all of them do, by the
way), then you have a chance to start recognizing these decision
moments and controlling them.
When a woman asks you if you're a player, do you get defensive and
abruptly change gears, or do you just keep on being your usual witty
and charming self?
When a guy looks you over, is it because he's being a "dog," or can
you look past the behavior and see he's appreciating you visually
andmexpressing his attraction?
When a woman doesn't turn to face you right away, do you interpret
this as rejection, or just her need to feel more attraction before
she'll let down her guard?
When a man orders you a drink, do you accept because it seems
polite, or do you ask him to wait and talk for a few minutes first
so that youdon't feel obligated?
These are situations we all have to handle at some point or
another, and the secret to managing the differences between men and
women lies in our ability to stop ourselves from acting out of habit
and take control of the present moment.
When you're able to stop the DVD of life's movie and pause before you
respond, you'll find that your rational mind CAN help you overcome
your defenses and fears.
And you'll find that you learn to appreciate things from both sides
of the gender divide a lot more.
- Carlos Xuma
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/carlosformen
(www.deservewhatyouwant.com/carlosformen).
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/carlosforwomen
(www.deservewhatyouwant.com/carlosforwomen)
CUSTOMER SERVICE ISSUES WHILE WE ARE ON VACATION (5/4-5/13): Many
of you are accustomed to having me deal directly with any issues
you may have with orders, downloads, etc. I know you appreciate
that personal level of service, and I am proud to provide it.
Please note, however, that Emily and I will have VERY limited
access (if any) to email while we are out of the country on
vacation. During this time, make extra sure to direct any and all
order issues to sales@plimus.com, making very careful note of the
issue and including your order reference number. If there is
anything I uniquely need to handle for you, rest assured I will
attend to those competently as soon as we return.
Also, now would be a GREAT time for me to remind you that when you
place an order with us please be sure to click the "CONTINUE"
button (or similar) immediately after your transaction is
completed. THE PAGE THAT BUTTON LINKS TO IS WHERE YOUR DOWNLOAD
LINKS ARE! You can and should always get your orders fulfilled
IMMEDIATELY based on that premise. The emailed links that Plimus
sends are meant to be the backup plan. Over 90% of all customer
service issues are related to having missed that step. And yes, I
realize that Plimus doesn't exactly make that "CONTINUE" button as
prominent and tantalizing as it should. I've made friends with
their engineering director and voiced that concern to him directly,
and they are working on changing that.
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PODCAST UPDATE: "The Chick Whisperer" Episode 7 is now available
and deals with how to succeed in second emails to women AND how to
handle "AMOGS". Get in on that at
http://feeds.feedburner.com/thechickwhisperer. Meanwhile, "X & Y
On The Fly" Episode 27 is OUT, and it's the LONG AWAITED show on
pickup and seduction. Joseph "Thundercat" Matthews
(http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/thundercat) and the guys from
Pickup Podcast (http://www.pickuppodcast.com/) are our guests. You
won't believe some of the unexpected ideas that come up. Subscribe
on iTunes right now at
http://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly so you don't miss a thing.
Meanwhile were at Show 11 of "Online Dating Profile Rating"
(http://feeds.feedburner.com/onlinedating) which is now regularly
featuring profiles submitted by listeners, which you all are giving
us good feedback on. Why not drop us a voicemail at 210-362-4400?
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POWER SESSIONS: The May Power Sessions will BOTH be on the "Hidden
Detractors" that keep otherwise perfectly sharp people from getting
dates. Do you believe you have it all together and just can't
understand what is limiting you from wild success at dating? If
so, this month's program is for you. We deliver the
no-holds-barred TRUTH that your friends aren't ever going to tell
you. Check it all out at:
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/men (men) or
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/women (women). You
can even get the first month FREE when you get your hands on any of
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PODCAST PHONE NUMBERS TO LISTEN IN ON:
X & Y On The Fly
289-466-5002
Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly
The Chick Whisperer
415-376-7267
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Online Dating Profile Rating
305-890-1549
Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/onlinedating
Nice Guys Need Love Too--Comedy Cast
305-890-1558
Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/niceguys
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