[X&Y] Reader Questions And Comments
Published: Tue, 08/21/07
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
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amazed and perhaps even overwhelmed.
And now on to your questions. We have some really good ones...
=====
MONOGAM-ITIS?
Hey Scot,
I'm 26 and I've been listening to you guys for a while. I really
like the perspective you and Emily put on things. A lot of these
community guys seem to be preaching one night lays and stuff like
that. I got into the community to meet that one special girl. By
the way, I don't think I'm really hopeless, but I'm definitely a
romantic. I usually connect with all the girls I date and they all
seem to find me different as in a good guy or the "best kind of
guy" as one said. The girl I'm asking for help with says "I'm
awesome" and has told her sister (also 18) and her best friend
(she's 19) that I could be the one. With that in mind, I hope you
can help me figure out a problem I've recently run into.
I was dating a few girls, three to be exact (aged 18, 23, 24) and
one of them really stood out. The problem is that the one I truly
find special is only 18 and her mom doesn't approve of us dating.
Her mom said we can still hang out though. The girl told me that
she wants to keep seeing me but that we can't officially date
because of her mom. We both really like each other a lot and we
were exclusive for a short time before her mom found out. It's not
like we were hiding it, but I
guess her mom thought we were just friends, when we were really
dating. I don't want to lose her completely because we both feel
that this could lead to something more (meaning we both feel that
each other is the type of person we could end up getting married
to, we both know we're not ready for that).
I got into the game to find that one special girl, I'm not saying
that she is the one, but I would like to be able to truly date her
and find out. We both agreed to keep seeing each other but to date
other people to kind of test if we really feel as strongly as we
feel we do about each other. So I'm probably going to start dating
the 24 year old again but I really like the other girl so much
more. I plan to get back into the game as well but I'm mainly
wanting to know how to approach or maintain the relationship with
the 18 year old. I realize it may seem strange because we are
several years apart, but we really connect, she's the first girl
I've met in the last year or so that I really feel has some long
term potential. What help can you give? I know this may sound like
one-itis, but it's not like she's the only girl I'm seeing, but she
is definitely the most amazing, both in personality and beauty. She
has a lot of ambition, we share many interests, and it is really
amazing just holding hands, hugging, talking, kissing, the simple
things, you know? Well, I'll leave it at that. Thanks Scot, I
truly appreciate any help you can give.
Steve
Hello Steve:
OK, for starters don't allow yourself to be brainwashed by the same
crowd you've been reading "one night lay" stuff from. "Oneitis" is
not to be confused with "Monogamy". You would think that ending up
with one woman--no matter how sharp--would be the greatest tragic
loss one's manhood could possibly hope to endure based on how some
of these guys talk.
Yet...a long-term relationship with one exceptionally great woman
most of us (including you and I) really want.
"Oneitis" is best defined as an irrational focus on a chick who
typically isn't reciprocating the feelings. "Monogamy" is
EXERCISING YOUR RIGHT as a man with options to select a clear
standout from the crowd. Do you see the position of strength and
reason there vs. one of irrationality and weakness?
So yes...picking the one woman who is clearly better than others is
never a problem, as long as you are not being "pressured" and you
have total control over the matter.
Now the fact that she is only 18 is not in and of itself an issue,
but the fact that her Mom is in the picture is. In theory she can
make her own decisions as a legal adult in matters like dating. In
reality, as long as she is under Mom's roof Mom is going to make
the rules.
If you think that sound's brutal, imagine being the 30-year-old
male version of what we're talking about here. I can't imagine
it...but it goes on.
He or she who wants freedom needs to fly away from the nest. Until
the one you are asking about does, you are living by Mom's rules.
At least that's the pragmatic answer. The other side of this
equation is that the Mom in this case is leaving an opening, saying
you can 'hang out'. Surely she knows the real deal here as far as
what's going on between you two. BUT...from your email it appears
you have her daughter's best intentions at heart and are truly
making every effort to do the right thing always. This tends to
win moms over...big time.
So the net-net of it is that I think there's a "civil war" going on
with Mom. She feels that she at least has to recite the "party
line" of keeping her precious "little girl" away from "older men"
for the sake of decorum, but deep down my guess is that she sort of
likes you.
And at the end of the day, 8 years is just not a huge difference,
y'all.
The difference, however, MAY come when your girl matures some.
Make sure your eyes are open wide to the fact that she is likely to
be A LOT different by the time she is the age you are now. That
can cause real issues of compatibility that cannot be ignored.
=====
SETTLING FOR PERFECTION
Hi Scot,
I want to start by saying that I certainly believe in what you are
"preaching" to us singles folks....DONT SETTLE!
But I have to ask. Is there ever a situation where someone's "list
of requirements" or better said, "the type of partner that a person
is looking for" is unrealistic?
I mean I have girlfriends who want what seems to be an
impossible/unrealistic man...financially stable, earns good income
so that he can take care of his family, good looking, has all his
hair, tall, smart, funny, romantic, can cook, owns a home or can
afford one, doesn't already have children, lives near by, has a
great family, cultural, social, dances, outgoing, kind,
affectionate, has retirement account, nice friends, adventurous,
good lover, isn't cheap.
And they want this from ONE man. All these things are good things
and it's fair to want them in a partner. But is it realistic to
expect to find someone who possess all of these qualities and thus
making a woman say, "Well I may want these things but it is
impossible to find them in ONE man so I will take the closest man
to my 'ideal' man." Would that be settling?
Or should a woman be thinking, "Well I am not going to settle for
anything less." And possibly remain alone the rest of her life?
All in the name of NOT settling?
I guess what I want to know is....where do we draw the line between
"settling" and being realistic?
Thanks,
Jessie
Great question, Jessie.
For better or worse, I have a very elegant answer for you.
Anyone...man or woman...has got to deserve what he or she wants.
If you immediately assume your ideal as "impossible" or
"unrealistic", then you are already "settling"...on auto-pilot no
less. If you do nothing...you get nothing. On the flip side, If
you do what it takes to become a person who is exactly what the
person of your dreams is dreaming of, then you will find it.
Now, here's the twist--and it may make perfect sense to you.
Anyone with a pragmatically objective "checklist"--especially such
a stereotypical one as you delineated--is still far from deserving
what he or she wants. Why? Because although all those things are
nice, dating lots of people and taking careful note of what you
like and don't like tends to be a real eye-opener. Some of the
universally revered traits you've always assumed were the
piece-parts of a great partner tend to "fade into Bolivian", as
Mike Tyson would say, as you actually go out and meet people.
Going forward, as you gain a first-hand perspective on what you
REALLY like in a person things you previously never even considered
tend to show up and present themselves as important.
The end result? "Perfect imperfection". And it rocks.
One clarification I've probably never made before: YES...the goal
is to DESERVE what you WANT. But the true magic of taking that
mandate seriously is that one day you really do wake up and realize
something profound...you've made it to the point where you WANT
what you DESERVE. That's the realization that makes one thankful
for not having thrown in the towel early in the game.
Think about it...but not too hard. It's a more obvious concept
than it sounds. Here's a hint: How come even "perfect" Hollywood
movie stars usually end up divorced? Hells bells...I'd be
miserable if I was married to someone "perfect".
=====
THE POLITICS OF APPROACHING WOMEN
Hey Scot
A big shout-out for your Chick Whisperer show with Sebastian. I
really enjoyed it, and I listened to it a few times.
I do have a follow-up question, of course. I have been having
great conversations with girls when I go out, but quite a lot of
the times they just end up being good conversations and nothing
more. Is there any way to avoid that, or is it just a reflection
of the fact that there really isn't that much attraction there?
Basically, how do you infuse sexuality more into the convo? When
things get really interesting, my academic/nerdy/political side
comes out and while I enjoy it immensely I think other elements of
what I'm trying to give off get neglected.
Any suggestions?
David in Israel
David, man...NO POLITICS when you're talking to a woman for the
first time. Or religion. Or STDs. Or sports. Are you with me?
The only thing worse than boring her is debating with her.
Solution? You talk about her...and you let HER TALK, just like my
man Seb said.
I don't believe that infusing sexuality into the conversation is
your answer...at least not directly. You are infusing MASCULINITY,
CONFIDENCE and most of all...you are LISTENING and giving her
well-placed APPROVAL she craves, without demanding any of your own.
Lean back, be cool...and when you are done get her digits (or
e-mail). It'll happen that way. You must make her comfortable in
your presence.
Think James Bond, not Menachem Begin. LOL
By the way, I feel your pain. I remember letting my geeky
intelligence get the best of me when chatting up women.
[NOTE: For those of you out there who haven't caught The Chick
Whisperer podcast yet, do so at
http://www.xandycommunications.net/main/tcw.htm. And, while I'm at
it more about Sebastian Drake can be found here:
http://www.thechickwhisperer.com/vibe ]
=====
BY WAY OF CLARIFICATION...
Emily! :)
Doubtless clear-eyed and beautiful Emily! :)
"P.S. Did you happen to hear about us through
one of our podcasts?"
Divine one. I wouldn't know what a pod-thingy is!
A group of vertebrates swimming around making intelligent squeeking
noises?
San Antonio. That was stolen from the Mexicans, wasn't it?? :)
A desert country?? :)
But i like your thinking :)
A service for upscale, intellingent, thinking persons.
Well done! :) And my best wishes!! :)
Mayhaps we could do a joint-promo with my naughty poetry :)
I'll send yuh some!
Kiss!
A in Singapore
Hmmm, A.
Well yes, Emily doesn't doubt much. That I'll own up to.
But the rest of this letter pretty much serves to demonstrate why I
put a P.O. box at the bottom of these newsletters instead of a
physical address, huh?
=====
Be Good,
Scot
=====
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