[X&Y] Reader Questions And Comments
Published: Fri, 07/27/07
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
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Deserve What You Want is about, that's ALL that it's all about.
And, now here are your letters...
=====
BECAUSE SHAME IS A DRAG
Hi Scot. If you're reading this, thanks for the wealth oflove-life
saving advice from the podcasts and all that, and congrats on the kid!
OK-- to the problem.
I'm 21 and a true late-bloomer, ex-wallflower, you name it; and it
went to ridiculous lengths, with my first kiss not coming until I
was 20. So after years of shyness and insecurity rationalized as
high-standards, lack of money and apathy, I went out and made all
the changes in my life that were a long time coming. Several
failures later, I came across your site and with the advice there I
slowly began to tune-up my social skills, become more confident and
generally correct my vision concerning the world of women.
I met a girl, let's call her Fran, outside a movie theater, made
conversation, handled myself well and we've been going out for
coming on two months. It's been wonderful so far- but sex will have
to come soon, and I'm inexperienced to say the least. So how do I
deal with this elephant in the room?
Of course Fran and I should talk about this like rational adults,
but I'm worried about letting out a secret like this so early in a
relationship, and it's unlikely nay impossible that I could keep
this quiet, play it by ear and get away with it- and in all
conscience I'm not sure I could try. And I don't know if I can
trust her about this, or whether that's an accurate reading of her
personality or my own paranoia. She's been more patient than I can
believe, but everyone has a limit and I feel that she's approaching
hers.
I don't want to sound starry-eyed, but this could always become
something special. I don't want for my inexperience or my desire to
play the field, for want of a better cliché, ruin everything. I'm
too conscientious to use women purely to build up my sexual
experience, especially Fran, but I know this desire to make up for
lost time will itch at me for a long time. How the hell do I get
through all these minefields?
Yours conflicted,
Randy
Hello Randy:
Thank you for the kind words.
As for your issue, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are only
21, and even if you were older sexual experience is not tied to
your general worth as a human being. I mean think of it, people
are looked down upon right left when the opposite is true, right?
And this opposite type of shame is equally, well...shameful. So
whether you are sexually "experienced" or not, someone is there to
try to point a finger. That perspective makes it all appear
pointless, doesn't it?
But I completely understand and in fact relate to your
rationalizations. I remember that well.
I have a very simple answer for you. Essentially, you will be
pleasantly shocked at how well women will likely respond to hearing
that you are a virgin. In fact, they may get even more charged up
about you for it. Think of it: You are clearly not having sex
with any woman who can fog a mirror, no STDs to be concerned about,
plus the challenge of being your "first" is still out there for a
great woman.
Fran may practically attack you were she to find all of this out.
But actually, my guess is that she may already have it figured out.
Women are very intuitive. And she's still around, isn't she?
Ironically, one of my superstar Ten-Plus guys just went through
EXACTLY what you are, except he's 27. I sent him your note
(anonymously) and asked him to give an answer independent of mine.
I thought you might appreciate hearing BTDT from a guy in your
situation who got through it with flying colors. As a preview, he
was very worried about her finding out about his virginity...and in
short, it turns out the woman he has been hanging out the most with
is also! LOL It was pretty much "game on" from there.
I will forward you his answer when I get it.
[Ed Note: Said superstar Ten-Plus guy was amazingly gracious with
his input. A few days later Randy wrote back reporting results
almost alarmingly similar to what was predicted. Cheers!]
=====
JACKPOT PHRASES NOT NECESSARILY A GET RICH QUICK PLAN
Scot,
It's funny how life is. Or should I say confusing! I hear most of
these phrases many times. Especially, "How can you still be
single?" and "You're different. I'm told over and over that I am
not like the "other" girls in my city. Meaning I'm not
superficial, immature, a gold digger, bitchy, stuck up, no sense of
humor. They go to the extent of giving me these examples. They
tell me I'm cool, funny, honest, fun, witty, articulate, know what
I want, outgoing.
Yet these men do not wish to continue a relationship with me. For
one reason or another, they tell me after the second date that I'm
all these wonderful things but that they do not want to pursue the
relationship.
It's baffling, confusing, frustrating and disappointing. I guess
one day I will finally meet the guy who does truly appreciate these
qualities in a woman!
Jennie
Yes, Jennie...unfortunately some men really do use these lines for
manipulative purposes...just like the caveat I offered.
Interestingly, women don't usually, do they? It's rare.
I don't have a precise answer for you with regard to your dilemma
since I don't have much to go on, but I can offer a few potential
items you can check yourself against:
1) Do you tend to talk a lot about exclusivity on the first or
second date, even pressuring guys into it a bit?
2) Do you demand a lot of attention, being "high maintenance" in
terms of calling, texting, etc?
3) How's your general attitude towards guys? From the tone of
your letter you sound like a truly sharp woman who deserves what
you want. That said, there is usually something in one's
mindset--even if subtle--that tends to cause the wrong types of
people to be drawn into one's dating circle. Do you in your heart
believe that most (if not all) men are "commitment-phobic"? That
can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Those are just a few ideas.
=====
DOES WINE TASTING COUNT?
Hey Scot, how's it going? I'm a 19-year-old college student living
in the San Luis Obispo area in California and I was wondering if
you have any projects operating in the area. I don't have a
deprived dating life, but I listened to what you had to say in the
DYD interviews and was able to identify and connect with it. I
figure it's better to learn from someone who has gone through life
doing the things that I aspire to do rather than to stumble though
it by trial and error. Thanks for your time.
Respectfully,
Alberto
Alberto:
You know Emily and I were in your part of the world last August,
and we didn't quite finish the list of wineries we wanted to hit.
That sounds like a worthwhile project.
But since you need a couple more years of life experience before you
can hang out with us for that one, I'll instead make the correct
assumption here--that you are one of an increasing number of men AND
women who are hounding us for live seminars. Yes...we are currently
exploring how to make those happen, and although SLO is a bit off
the beaten track LA is a distinct possibility.
Incidentally, you've brought up another stellar point, Mark. MANY
of those on this list are indeed quite successful in their dating
lives already. That's part of what makes what we do around here so
cool. Whether you are building a wildly successful dating life
from scratch or are well on your way, we can help take you all the
way to the real destination (deserving the greatest person you've
ever met), not just part of the way. Disarmingly obvious a plan,
isn't it? Yet it takes a real track record to light that path...and
that's where Emily and I mean business.
=====
THE MARRIAGE MAY END, BUT IT WON'T END YOU
Hello Scot,
I just wanted to write and tell you that I enjoy your stuff. What
I love most is that it's no-nonsense. Lots of stuff out there is
clearly designed by people claiming to be PUAs but are really ROA
(rip-off-artists). Your style is simple, direct, and effective.
When I listen to you I hear confidence and security in your voices,
and I hear real life ... not some Friday-night fantasy world where you
put on a bunch of eye-liner and pick up Playboy models.
I'm 33, divorced, and have spent most of my life being lonely. I
hardly dated in high school and college. I met and married my ex
pretty much based on two things ... a) she enjoyed being the one in
control of the relationship and b) she let me love her. Looking
back, I see that in my eight-year marriage, I had no confidence,
gave her all my power, and completely gave up all of my
self-respect. I tried to show her that I loved her by giving her
everything ... and what happened? Simple. She stopped being
attracted to me because I gave up my dignity and my value as a man.
So, she strayed. She had several affairs that left me heart-broken
... and our relationship fell apart.
Surprisingly, my recovery process has let me somewhere I didn't
expect. After three years of contemplating it all, I realize that
her affairs were wrong, but they weren't all her fault. I should
have been more of a man.
The problem is, nobody ever taught me how to be a man. That's the
story of thousands and thousands of men like me.
With your help I've been able to all but eliminate my approach
anxiety and my inability to talk to and enjoy the company of women.
I date a fair bit now. I go out all the time. I meet lots of
women. I'm having fun.
You, in part, are to thank for that. So...thanks.
I'd like to see you either do a podcast or write something that has
advice specifically for men who are divorced. In divorce support
groups I've attended (and still attend) I run into guys who are
rock-bottom when it comes to relationships. I've heard you say you
are divorced, and although I don't know the details of your
situation, I know that if you've been through that you know the
pain involved. Since you are now not only taking the plunge again
but you're also pretty much an expert on the social dynamics of
dating, I think there's probably nobody better qualified to give a
little advice to divorced men.
Thanks again for all you do. You're doing great things for men out
there. Congratulations on all your great work, your upcoming
marriage, and your continued life of success.
Warm regards,
Mark
Mark:
You have absolutely captured the very essence of our style around
here. We base what we do on solid character-based principle, and
we live what we talk about. I'm not sure you will find any "dating
guru" anywhere who is as able to demonstrate pure, end-game results
the way Emily and I can. So, basically, that's tends to contribute
to the simple, direct and effective "no-nonsense" approach you've
noticed. We feel very confident in telling it like it is...because
"it" flat-out works--whoever you are, wherever you live, and
whatever your age is.
That said, I want to commend on where your recovery process has
brought you. You have discovered--as I did when my divorce
happened--the golden value of REFUSING TO BE A VICTIM. While some
would say you are "letting her off the hook" by offloading blame
and bitterness after having been cheated on, I'm not one of them.
She cheated, and she shouldn't have. And honestly, there is no
good excuse for that sort of infidelity.
Nonetheless, your decision to focus on becoming the kind of MAN you
should always have been is a constructive attitude. Contrast that
with the pit of self-pity that bitter "blamers" dig themselves
into. Here is a real truth: If a cheating spouse destroys a
marriage, and he or she who was cheated upon allows that to burn
away at him forever--and creating general disdain for the opposite
sex--then the cheating spouse WILL HAVE SUCCEEDED AT DESTROYING YOU,
not just the marriage. But...it will have been allowed to happen by
a willing victim, will it not have?
I'm starting to sound like Yoda here, so that's enough.
But nevertheless, the fact that you are beginning to enjoy a wildly
successful dating life here is largely attributable to your
willingness to take the bull by the horns, make solid decisions,
take leadership and make things happen to ensure that your future
relationships wouldn't suffer like the last one did. And that, my
friend, sounds a lot like being a MAN. So there are no
coincidences here. You're plan is coming along nicely. And
insofar as I've helped you, I'm grateful for that opportunity.
As far as specific divorce-recovery material, you may see something
on that in the future. We've done interviews on that subject right
and left, it seems. That said, the first chapter of Deserve What
You Want is, as it is in real live, all about "Eliminating The
Obstacles Of The Past". Several sections deal with rebounding from
divorce, and are packed with real-world information.
=====
Be Good,
Scot
NEW PODCAST, "DATINGCAST": Some of you had asked about the
possibility of a shorter podcast with a faster, smaller download
size. Your questions have been answered. The obviously-named
"DatingCast" is already here. You can get the first three (make
that four) episodes RIGHT NOW on iTunes or at
http://feeds.feedburner.com/datingcast. And yeah, we really can't
believe the name hadn't been taken yet either...but it has now. By
the way, the content of the series is based on the "Rapid Fire"
audio program that comes as a bonus with every e-book. So if you
like what you hear, you know how to get "instant gratification" as
far as upcoming episodes go. Nice.
NEW EPISODES OF VIDEO SHOWS: Check the "X & Y On The Fly LIVE"
and "The Chick Whisperer TV" shows out on YouTube at:
http://www.youtube.com/group/datingadvice
(www.youtube.com/group/datingadvice). Episode 4 of TCWTV has now
been unleashed, as has Episode 3 of XYotF LIVE. Mad love atcha.
AMY WATERMAN AND MARIE FORLEO THINK EMILY ROCKS: ...So much so that
they've included an epic roundtable audio program with her on their
brand, spanking new program "Make Every Man Want You More".
Ladies, mark my word...this program is absolutely so right-on in
terms of explaining what we guys LOVE LOVE LOVE about truly great
women that it earns my highest recommendation. You just can't go
wrong with this program. I heard bits and pieces of the
roundtable conversation that Emily did going on behind closed
doors, and I knew then it was going to be legendary. Having now
heard the whole thing, I can reasonably say that it alone is worth
getting the program for. An absolute masterpiece. Need more? How
about this excerpt from the press release: "At last, something
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This is a course for real women, women with minds and intellects,
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from. Seriously. You can find the "Make Every Man Want You More"
program at
"http://xandycom.unicades.hop.clickbank.net?type=wantmore".
TEN-PLUS IS FOR THOSE WHO REFUSE TO SETTLE: Ten-Plus is a guided,
structured plan of action for your dating success that is already
changing lives. Email me at info@xandycommunications.net for more
info and/or find out more at "http://www.datingcoaches.com/". Your
first fifteen-minute consultation is free--decide for yourself.
And...I'm still the only guy who stands behind his coaching program
with a 100% guarantee.
THE CHICK WHISPERER: Episode 11 features my good friend Brad
Finsilver from http://www.datementor.com (www.datementor.com) as
co-host. We talk about "daytime pickup" and the show is a total
blast. This is the longest show ever at nearly an hour, and you
can get it right now at
http://feeds.feedburner.com/thechickwhisperer. Get ready for
non-stop practical material once we get down to business...seriously.
POWER SESSIONS: The July edition of Power Sessions For Men is ALL
about Situational Conversation. It is the longest one yet at
seventy minutes, and that's pure rapid-fire content as always.
Find out more at
"http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/men". There will be
yet another bonus program this month. And YES...Emily has 'The
Cheater Meter' on tap for the ladies. Get in on that--along with
some great bonuses to rival those we're giving out for PS4M--at
"http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/women". Better
yet...take advantage of that Deserve What You Want bonus at the top
of the page.
EMILY'S "KEYS TO BLISS" NEWSLETTER: A new edition of Emily's
newsletter went out yesterday. Sign up for that by sending email
to emily@aweber.com. No subject or text is necessary. Joining
will not affect your membership to this newsletter. A lot of the
guys are joining, I've noticed. There really is a lot to be gained
from hearing the other perspective, isn't there?
PODCAST PHONE NUMBERS TO LISTEN IN ON:
X & Y On The Fly
289-466-5002
Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly
The Chick Whisperer
415-376-7267
Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/thechickwhisperer
Online Dating Profile Rating
305-890-1549
Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/onlinedating
Nice Guys Need Love Too--Comedy Cast
305-890-1558
Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/niceguys
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