[X&Y] And You May Ask Yourself, “Well, How Did I Get Here?
Published: Tue, 08/28/07
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VIRTUOSITY UPDATE: Last week I announced the long-awaited
"advanced series" for men, and feedback so far has been amazing. I
can tell that this is precisely the direction that many guys have
wanted things to go. You are ready for the most complete toolkit
possible for the job of transformation into a great man who
deserves great women.
Many of your questions have been focused on the section of
VIRTUOSITY in which I am inviting a hand-picked cadre of the very
best "white hat" experts to join me for discussions that highlight
certain very advanced areas. I originally wanted to keep the guest
list a surprise for the time being, but enough of you were dead set
on finding out who was on board that I'm spilling the beans. The
list of confirmed guests already includes (in no particular order):
Carlos Xuma, Brent S. (of DYD fame), Sebastian Drake, Christian
Hudson, Marie Forleo, Sean Stephenson, Frank P. Kermit, Will H.
(also of DYD fame), AJ & Jordon (Pickup Podcast), Rion Williams,
Joseph W. South, Brad Finsilver, Armin "Mr. Dad" Brott, Nick Shane,
Robert Martin (on dating famous women), and Austin, TX blues
musician Bruce James (on the not-so-obvious attraction secrets of
artists and musicians). There are more on the way. I am already
amazed at how excited some of my peers are about having been
counted as part of this group. Indeed, I'm only including those
who I know for a fact to be centered on helping men be the absolute
best they can be.
Find out more about VIRTUOSITY at
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/virtuosity
(www.deservewhatyouwant.com/virtuosity). And as you'd expect from
me, I've got the pre-release discount working for you ahead of the
September 30th release date.
And now to this week's topic...a thought provoking one:
=====
AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF, "WELL, HOW DID I GET HERE?"
"And you may ask yourself, 'Well, how did I get here?' ...This is
not my beautiful house. ...This is not my beautiful wife!'"
--"Once In A Lifetime", Talking Heads
Today we're going to mix things up a bit. Typically in this space
I'll either write about some original point I've not heard
discussed elsewhere, or I'll respond to your questions and comments.
Today I'm going to do both. The truth is that I received a letter
a couple days ago from a woman that was so poignant that I feel it
warrants an entire newsletter to address. Here's how it goes:
=====
Hello Scot,
Thank you for all the help and information in your regular e-mails
over the past couple months. They have been really helpful.
Here is my question today:
A little background first. My boyfriend and I have been dating for
1 year and 9 months. Anyway, in April of this year he brought up
the subject of moving in together--in fact, he brought up the idea
of us buying a house together. For about 2 months that was what we
were planning on doing until he told me (out of nowhere) that he
didn't think we should move in together anymore. He came up with
lots of excuses, like he wasn't sure if he morally believes in it,
his family wouldn't like it (they are very religious), he thought
it would put too much negative stress on our relationship, and he
didn't think it was the right time to do that.
What are your thoughts on this situation?
When he told me he had changed his mind I was devastated and I
think I lost a lot of trust in him. Also, I think I am still angry
and distrusting of him now as I find myself getting angry at him
very easily now for things I never would have before. I also find
myself kind of uneasy around him now as I worry what he will tell
me next, almost like I am expecting him to disappoint me at every
turn. I don't like feeling like this and I don't like feeling
angry at him. Also, he doesn't even realize that this is how I
feel. What should I do?
Anyway, something else that is bothering me is that my boyfriend
has never really brought up the idea of marriage or kids. We have
almost been dating for 2 years and I don't really know if he wants
marriage and kids in his life one day. I assume he does since he
comes from a religious family that considers marriage important.
He has never specifically said that he wants to get married. Also
I guess what I want to hear from him is that marriage and kids are
something he wants and that he can see those things happening with
me. How do I bring this up with him without freaking him out??
Also, do you think it's a good idea to bring this stuff up at this
point in our relationship?? If he doesn't want these things I want
to know now so that I don't waste my time on a relationship where
we don't have the same long-term goals.
Thank you very much for all your help. Sorry this is so long but I
wanted to put lots of detail into it.
Jennifer
=====
Most of you out there, I'm sure, are already throwing soda cans and
rotten veggies at your computer monitors.
Yeah, I know...there's an obvious issue here.
Rest assured that I'm not going to lull you to sleep by simply
stating that these two have a profound communication problem.
Also, I invite you to suspend your disbelief that he's even
interested in marrying her someday. Instead, feel free to throw
your hands up in the air and ponder with me: "How on Earth do two
people date for almost two friggin' years and not ever have THAT
STUFF EVEN COME UP?"
The answer to that question struck me almost immediately upon
reading the email, and has haunted me for 48 hours. The truth is
that it's so blasted easy to get into a situation like Jennifer's
that it's no wonder at all, really, that it goes on...a lot. Maybe
even in your life.
So how DID those two manage to avoid major questions of basic
worldview and compatibility for THAT LONG? And more importantly,
what 20/20 hindsight is there that could have prevented this?
Fortuitously, my good friend and "white-hat" par excellence
Sebastian Drake (http://www.thechickwhisperer.com/vibe) and I had
just finished an epic discussion on "relationship management" for
the VIRTUOSITY series. So it was easy to discern that Jennifer's
boyfriend had "failed to deploy" in that exact area.
And it's not that he's a bad guy. The issue is that he prepared
himself with an excellent strategy for his first couple dates or so
with Jennifer. And he sort of never adjusted those strategies as
the relationship progressed.
That's not a good plan.
Last week you'll remember we answered an email from a guy who tends
to sabotage his first conversations with women by talking about
deep stuff like politics, religion, etc. And just like I'd say to
the woman who stereotypically asks about kids and marriage on the
first date, you absolutely want to avoid "long term" or "heavy"
discussions for the first couple of dates. Keeping things light
as you are just getting to know one another helps build comfort and
keeps people from creeping each other out.
But here's the danger there. Sebastian and I were in agreement
during our VIRTUOSITY discussion that it's inevitable that a couple
who starts a relationship will form habits in their interaction
together that will likely last as long as the relationship itself
does. By as soon as a couple of weeks in, the couple could already
have a pattern of thought and/or behavior in place that is set to
repeat itself indefinitely. And if that pattern is not dealt with
and adjusted if need be at that time, at around the six-month mark
those habits are all but indelibly stamped on the relationship.
I often discuss with coaching clients the more readily observable
ways this factor tends to present itself. For example, if you and
your new friend go back to the apartment to "chill and watch
movies" for two or three dates in a row early on you may find
yourself doing ONLY THAT all the time. You'll be in a rut, and the
relationship will get boring.
Pretty deep stuff, isn't this? But hang in there with me. This is
potentially life-altering insight for many of you.
Notice that Jennifer is utterly nonplussed (like we are) as to how
this all never got talked about. She is wondering if it's "okay"
to even address the important subjects with her boyfriend without
"freaking him out". She has been ready and willing to hit the hard
questions all along, but her boyfriend has FAILED TO LEAD in that
area. Ever since the first few dates--when it was okay to set the
important stuff on the back burner--he has not modified the flow of
the conversation in the relationship. Two dates turned into three
dates...into six dates...into six months. The important ideas never
got talked about. For whatever reason, Jennifer's boyfriend
preferred to keep his head in the sand regarding the major
compatibility questions rather than open the conversation. And
that was how the relationship was cemented. They're indeed in a
"rut" there, or as Sebastian would say the "precedent was set".
Is it that he's insecure about losing her? Perhaps...after all he
originally went against his basic moral code regarding moving in
together before reversing himself. Even this reversal was met with
a lack of communication, wasn't it? Meanwhile, Jennifer is
offering a breathtaking demonstration of exactly how important it
is to a woman for a man to show leadership skill. Could she have
chimed in on this stuff a lot earlier? Sure. But what she wants
is a MAN. A MAN who can lead. A MAN who can make decisions and
give her a secure feeling in his presence. His lack of leadership
in managing the relationship has morphed into what appears to be
utter lack of courage in dealing with important questions that will
define the viability of the entire relationship. And nearly two
years into this, he is showing no signs of getting out of the "rut".
Still at Square One, basically, Jennifer is left to finally stand
up and say "enough is enough", as long as it's, uh... "okay" (???) to
do so.
Relationship management skill is all-important. And the time to
consider what all is entailed is BEFORE you meet someone you want
to share a significant amount of your life with. This is a major
key to the "big picture" of deserving what you want. So much so
that we'll be focusing on it not only in that VIRTUOSITY discussion
but also in the September Power Session program.
Be Good,
Scot
=====
FREE CONFERENCE CALL FOR GUYS WITH CARLOS XUMA AND ME: This is
TOMORROW NIGHT, Wednesday August 29th at 9pm EDT/6pm. The subject
will be "sexual communication". As was the case last time, only
200 can get in on the actual live bridge so be sure to sign up now:
http://www.mensdatingadvice.com/dating-tips-attract-women-confidence
.htm Carlos and I both have special gifts for attendees.
SHARPEN UP YOUR ONLINE DATING SKILLS: We're running a "back to
school" sale on our Online Dating Success Package. It's back to
$167, and still includes complete training on how to evaluate
prospects and write emails along with the profile overhaul. Start
the fall season out right. It's all at the newly-updated
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SNIPPETS FROM THE DAVID DEANGELO "DATING GURUS" INTERVIEW: I have
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my websites. If you never got the chance to get your hands on that
interview, this is the next best thing. Most of the product pages
now have streaming audio available on them, including:
http://www.romantic-dinner.com,
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/men, http://www.wildsuccess.net,
and http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/men. Enjoy.
WHERE DO I START?: Yes, it's true. We really do have a lot going
on around here, don't we? Several (make that dozens) of you have
started asking where to start with it all. My evening project a
couple of days ago was this page:
http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/roadmap
(www.deservewhatyouwant.com/roadmap). On it you'll find a logical
flow of all the cool stuff we offer, starting with the free stuff.
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