WHAT'S INSIDE:  Out of nowhere, the fun flirtation stops and she
turns serious.  What did you do wrong?  Brace yourself for this...but
quite possibly NOTHING.
 
=====



EDGY, OUTRAGEOUS AND PROBABLY BANNED IN 40 COUNTRIES


OK, let's be realistic.  I've got to start warning you guys before
I send you something like this:



NSFW



The fact of the matter is that last time there were some complaints
from a select, unsuspecting few of you who opened that link at work.

It is decidedly NOT "safe for work".  And if you live in a
country where this sort of thing is NOT allowed, I feel your
pain...but I don't want you to get arrested either.

As such, some of you should definitely NOT click that link.

But if you can somehow hold off until you get home to unleash
your curiosity, you WILL be richly rewarded:



NSFW



Inexplicably, most guys STILL (after all these years) are able
to somehow ignore this stuff.  But the rest of us reap the
blissful benefits of it night after night...



=====



YOU'RE *NOT* THAT GUY


Hey Scot, hope you're having a great day.

My question came up the other night when I was talking with a woman
that was interested in me.  We were having a great conversation and
somehow she had brought up that she had been drugged and raped a
few years prior.

This isn't the first time this has happened with me and a woman in
conversation.  It actually has happened several times, like around
5 or 6 different women.  They have either been raped or sexually
abused somehow.  And I know there are many more out there.

I never asked specifically about their past.  The topic usually
comes up after I bust on them about something that they do that
seems a bit odd, and then they produce their story of rape or abuse
as an excuse for their weird behavior.

My question is:  Is there any good or better way to handle this
kind of thing when it comes up? 

If the topic only came once in my life I would disregard it as a
fluke, but I have never heard this area addressed by any of the
other dating gurus, and I think it may have some importance.

I'm hoping you can shed some light on this for me.

Thanks, Scot keep up the good work!


Michael  (From "Parts Unknown")



=====



Hello Michael.  What a terrific question you've asked

Yes, there's an inherent risk when being open and flirtatious with
women that you are going to unwittingly hit a sore subject for her.

The very first thing I want to express to you is that if you've
been a respectful, fun human being there should be NO REASON to
blame yourself when situations like the one you're describing come
up out of the blue.

Along those same lines, you shouldn't change your style of casually
approaching women or your positive demeanor.  What a woman's past
looks like and how it may have affected her negatively is beyond
your control.

But yes, seemingly innocuous flirtation with women can suddenly
turn sticky (and you *may* not know why...or EVER find out, frankly). 

Unfortunately, it has been estimated that over 50% of all women
have experienced some sort of sexual or physical assault.  In fact,
so have a lot of MEN, especially in childhood.

How someone of either gender reacts to these traumatic situations
contributes significantly to who he or she is as an individual
later on, for better or worse. 

Some people are strong and remain virtually unaffected, while
others are scarred for life with a victim's mentality.

First of all, don't let anyone lay a guilt trip or any sort of "man
bashing" attitude on you if you were simply attempting to be
friendly. 

It's not your fault she was assaulted, and you're not like the
other guy.

I can't underscore that point enough.  Do not let anyone tell you
that all men are bad, or lay the blame on you for what some other
thug has done in the past.

If and when these situations come up as you've described, stop
kidding around (at least temporarily) and take her emotions
seriously...but don't let her wallow in self-pity, either. 

It sounds like in your case women are just throwing everything out
there on the table as part of saying, "I'm sorry" purely from a
position of low self esteem.  Feel absolutely free to tell a woman
that she can stop saying "I'm sorry" when she has nothing to be
sorry for. 

And you can likewise tell her in plain English that you are NOT
like this other person, whoever it was, and--importantly--that your
opinion of her is NOT swayed by her revelation to you regarding the
past.

In doing so you may possibly empower her to move on, at least to
some extent.  And my impression is that if she's volunteering such
info without direct inquiry, there's still a weight on her shoulders
that needs to be lifted.

Also know that neither you--nor I for that matter--are in the
business of psychotherapy.  You can only respond as a decent human
being.  You cannot "cure" anyone.

But listen.  You also don't have to enter into a relationship with
someone who is not ready to be one half of a great relationship--for
WHATEVER reason, including the one we're talking about here.
That's crucial to remember, especially if you're a man who deserves
what he wants.

Ultimately, it is everyone's own responsibility NOT to have their
respective lives ruined because of events in the past.  We each
have a choice in that matter, whether we choose to recognize it or
not. 

Heck, look at Emily and I.  Both of us could EASILY have wallowed
in victimhood a few years ago after our respective divorces, but
we didn't. 

Thanks again for the great question.  And yes--isn't it odd how most
"dating advice" shies away from the more complex issues so often?

But those issues are very real and learning exactly how to handle
them is precisely what makes "deserving what you want" such a
valuable process and a unique destination.


Be Good,

Scot McKay




=====




(c) X & Y Communications LLC, 2014.  All Rights Reserved.


This e-mail newsletter is a free service of X & Y Communications.
It is never sent to those who have not asked for it.  If you
believe you have been sent this message in error, please respond
and we will kindly (and promptly) remove you from our mailing list.