[X&Y] Is The "Grass Greener"? Ask Yourself These 3 Questions...
Published: Thu, 05/29/14
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WHAT'S INSIDE: You have a steady girlfriend and are even thinking
about marrying her. What should your reaction to various other
women in your life be like...especially if they're particularly
attractive?
Even if you're not dating anyone at the moment, it's still VERY
wise to arm yourself with the information that follows...
=====
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Now, let's hear from Tanner in Chicago, who's got a real dilemma on
his hands...
=====
QUESTION FROM A READER
Scot,
I need to ask you a question.
I am in a VERY happy relationship. I am going to get engaged very
soon. But in my day-to-day encounters I do work with or interact
with attractive and cool women.
Since I work in a large group, there are some people at my
workplace that I don't see on a daily basis but enough to have
regular conversations.
I have an ongoing dilemma on how to deal with particular women at
work.
Take for example a girl named Christina I work with.
She is super cool and very attractive. But if I continue to
interact with her, inevitably I will end up wanting to get to know
her more, get a big crush on her, and maybe even starting thinking,
"Man, the grass might be greener here."
Maybe this is just a man's tendency to want variety. As I said, I
love my girlfriend dearly, so it's not secondary to unhappiness
with my girlfriend.
So I can pursue a stronger friendship / more interaction with
Christina at work, because I am physically and personality wise
attracted to her...but at risk of torturing myself since I will
fall for her but not do anything about it (the ultimate masochism).
Or worst-case scenario I'll fall for her so hard that I compromise
my relationship with my girlfriend.
This Christina girl is just one example....as there have been many
Christinas in the past who I usually end up AVOIDING so as to not
create drama in my life.
What do you think?
Tanner (Chicago, IL)
=====
Thanks for the great e-mail, Tanner.
So why is it that women named "Christina" always seem to be hotties?
Here's the cold hard fact of the matter: If you are still gazing
at "greener pastures", you're either not ready to get married
because there is more left to be done in your dating life, or
you've got more deep-thinking ahead first, or because you *could*
be settling.
I hear you telling me that you have a great relationship with a
woman who you intend to marry, and that you couldn't be happier.
And I greatly admire your discipline with regard to not wanting to
compromise that relationship in any way. Big ups for that.
But your genuine concern over the possibility of being drawn away
by another woman concerns me as much as it does you.
Taking your message to me at face value, I'm pretty sure that if
you were able to make the "Christinas" of the world a "non-issue",
then you would be an even happier man than you may now even realize
is possible.
Some will be quick to say this is an "unrealistic" explanation.
But much like, "you can never understand women", such is the battle
cry of those who SETTLE.
When you've met the one who wins your heart forever, other women
will melt into the background insofar as any real desire for
romantic involvement is concerned.
Hang with me here and I'll show you what I mean by that.
This does NOT mean that no other women are ever going to be
attractive or endearing to you ever again. And you *can* acquire
the skill set of enjoying femininity without requiring sexual
fulfillment to come from it, by the way.
(And that is REALLY COOL, opening the doors wide-open to greatly
enhanced day-to-day interactions.)
What it DOES mean is that you never, ever second-guess the decision
you made to be with one woman because you always keep the
perspective of having been through the dating process and having
made your decision from a position of ABSOLUTE STRENGTH and a
WEALTH OF EXPERIENCE.
The greatest woman you've ever met--your "100 out of 100"--will
literally compel you to cut ties with the other women you've been
seeing until then.
No kidding, man. I wouldn't have believed it myself seven years
ago.
And there's no compromise when that happens. No "giving away your
manhood", "sacrificing your freedom" or anything negative at all,
really. It will have been YOUR decision...and a GOOD one.
And you'll be able to tuck away that definitive notion for safe
keeping over the long-haul, no matter how many hotties catch your
eye over the years to come.
I have to be honest with you here though, Tanner.
My first thought after reading your message was that if you REALLY
believe Christina might possibly be the kind of woman who could be
better for you than your current girlfriend, then perhaps you
haven't "raised the bar" high enough just yet as far as the person
you are going to spend the rest of your life with successfully.
If that doesn't resonate with you, and you are indeed firmly
convinced that your current girlfriend is the greatest woman you've
ever met, then so be it.
Nonetheless, If you ARE second guessing yourself on the possibility
of being sexually drawn to other women such that it would
compromise your current relationship, it's time to ask yourself
some hard questions.
These would include:
1) Are you comparing your girlfriend to someone you don't know as
well?
This is always a loser of an idea. There's too much opportunity
for idealism there.
I can't tell you how many guys blow a long-term relationship for a
fling with a new chick only to wonder what they've done when she
quickly falls short of expectations as he "gets to know her better".
2) Have you really dated enough women to know EXACTLY who you're
looking for?
Your girlfriend MAY BE the greatest woman in the world for you.
But unless you have a firm grasp of what you want, you'll never
really know if you've found it.
3) Is it YOUR DECISION to get married?
Do you WANT to get married, or do you simply fear losing a great
woman? Are you DONE dating, or does the timing feel a bit
premature?
Please know that you may indeed be able to resolve all of these
questions VERY successfully vis-à-vis your current relationship.
If so, I imagine your resolve will be rock-solid going forward.
If not, you may be frustrated now (as may she), but take it from
the guy who has been in front of a judge before and paid the
divorce lawyer richly for my trouble.
It's like the old Fram Oil Filter commercial: "You can pay now, or
you can pay later".
Be Good,
Scot McKay
=====
(c) X & Y Communications LLC, 2014. All Rights Reserved.
This e-mail newsletter is a free service of X & Y Communications.
It is never sent to those who have not asked for it. If you
believe you have been sent this message in error, please respond
and we will kindly (and promptly) remove you from our mailing list.
Now, let's hear from Tanner in Chicago, who's got a real dilemma on
his hands...
=====
QUESTION FROM A READER
Scot,
I need to ask you a question.
I am in a VERY happy relationship. I am going to get engaged very
soon. But in my day-to-day encounters I do work with or interact
with attractive and cool women.
Since I work in a large group, there are some people at my
workplace that I don't see on a daily basis but enough to have
regular conversations.
I have an ongoing dilemma on how to deal with particular women at
work.
Take for example a girl named Christina I work with.
She is super cool and very attractive. But if I continue to
interact with her, inevitably I will end up wanting to get to know
her more, get a big crush on her, and maybe even starting thinking,
"Man, the grass might be greener here."
Maybe this is just a man's tendency to want variety. As I said, I
love my girlfriend dearly, so it's not secondary to unhappiness
with my girlfriend.
So I can pursue a stronger friendship / more interaction with
Christina at work, because I am physically and personality wise
attracted to her...but at risk of torturing myself since I will
fall for her but not do anything about it (the ultimate masochism).
Or worst-case scenario I'll fall for her so hard that I compromise
my relationship with my girlfriend.
This Christina girl is just one example....as there have been many
Christinas in the past who I usually end up AVOIDING so as to not
create drama in my life.
What do you think?
Tanner (Chicago, IL)
=====
Thanks for the great e-mail, Tanner.
So why is it that women named "Christina" always seem to be hotties?
Here's the cold hard fact of the matter: If you are still gazing
at "greener pastures", you're either not ready to get married
because there is more left to be done in your dating life, or
you've got more deep-thinking ahead first, or because you *could*
be settling.
I hear you telling me that you have a great relationship with a
woman who you intend to marry, and that you couldn't be happier.
And I greatly admire your discipline with regard to not wanting to
compromise that relationship in any way. Big ups for that.
But your genuine concern over the possibility of being drawn away
by another woman concerns me as much as it does you.
Taking your message to me at face value, I'm pretty sure that if
you were able to make the "Christinas" of the world a "non-issue",
then you would be an even happier man than you may now even realize
is possible.
Some will be quick to say this is an "unrealistic" explanation.
But much like, "you can never understand women", such is the battle
cry of those who SETTLE.
When you've met the one who wins your heart forever, other women
will melt into the background insofar as any real desire for
romantic involvement is concerned.
Hang with me here and I'll show you what I mean by that.
This does NOT mean that no other women are ever going to be
attractive or endearing to you ever again. And you *can* acquire
the skill set of enjoying femininity without requiring sexual
fulfillment to come from it, by the way.
(And that is REALLY COOL, opening the doors wide-open to greatly
enhanced day-to-day interactions.)
What it DOES mean is that you never, ever second-guess the decision
you made to be with one woman because you always keep the
perspective of having been through the dating process and having
made your decision from a position of ABSOLUTE STRENGTH and a
WEALTH OF EXPERIENCE.
The greatest woman you've ever met--your "100 out of 100"--will
literally compel you to cut ties with the other women you've been
seeing until then.
No kidding, man. I wouldn't have believed it myself seven years
ago.
And there's no compromise when that happens. No "giving away your
manhood", "sacrificing your freedom" or anything negative at all,
really. It will have been YOUR decision...and a GOOD one.
And you'll be able to tuck away that definitive notion for safe
keeping over the long-haul, no matter how many hotties catch your
eye over the years to come.
I have to be honest with you here though, Tanner.
My first thought after reading your message was that if you REALLY
believe Christina might possibly be the kind of woman who could be
better for you than your current girlfriend, then perhaps you
haven't "raised the bar" high enough just yet as far as the person
you are going to spend the rest of your life with successfully.
If that doesn't resonate with you, and you are indeed firmly
convinced that your current girlfriend is the greatest woman you've
ever met, then so be it.
Nonetheless, If you ARE second guessing yourself on the possibility
of being sexually drawn to other women such that it would
compromise your current relationship, it's time to ask yourself
some hard questions.
These would include:
1) Are you comparing your girlfriend to someone you don't know as
well?
This is always a loser of an idea. There's too much opportunity
for idealism there.
I can't tell you how many guys blow a long-term relationship for a
fling with a new chick only to wonder what they've done when she
quickly falls short of expectations as he "gets to know her better".
2) Have you really dated enough women to know EXACTLY who you're
looking for?
Your girlfriend MAY BE the greatest woman in the world for you.
But unless you have a firm grasp of what you want, you'll never
really know if you've found it.
3) Is it YOUR DECISION to get married?
Do you WANT to get married, or do you simply fear losing a great
woman? Are you DONE dating, or does the timing feel a bit
premature?
Please know that you may indeed be able to resolve all of these
questions VERY successfully vis-à-vis your current relationship.
If so, I imagine your resolve will be rock-solid going forward.
If not, you may be frustrated now (as may she), but take it from
the guy who has been in front of a judge before and paid the
divorce lawyer richly for my trouble.
It's like the old Fram Oil Filter commercial: "You can pay now, or
you can pay later".
Be Good,
Scot McKay
=====
(c) X & Y Communications LLC, 2014. All Rights Reserved.
This e-mail newsletter is a free service of X & Y Communications.
It is never sent to those who have not asked for it. If you
believe you have been sent this message in error, please respond
and we will kindly (and promptly) remove you from our mailing list.