[X&Y] "What Does She REALLY Think About Sex?" (Reader Question)
Published: Mon, 12/15/14
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IN THIS EDITION: You're out on a date with a woman, and you'd
love to find out what her attitudes and feelings toward sex are.
Should you come right out and ask, or what?
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
Hey Scot,
I went out for coffee with a girl on Thursday. And well we had a
great IM session last night. We talked about a lot of stuff. I
told her that I am interested meeting again but I am not looking
for a steady girlfriend and that I am seeing other girls.
She was totally on the same page (she's not looking for a steady
girlfriend either... lol).
So far she seems like a potentially high quality girl. However,
she has 2 kids with two different guys (this to me doesn't make
her a bad person).
She has admitted she made some poor choices in the past. She's
responsible and does what she says she is going to do. So I'm
waiting to see how this plays out.
My concern is, before we go on our first date, I want to know what
she thinks about sex. I am not interested in having sex with her on
the first date. I just want to know where she stands.
Would it be better to have that conversation in person, over the
phone, or IMing?
Just to clarify, the reason I want to find out is not so I can
bang her as soon as possible but if we are real hot for each other
I want to respect her position if she has decided to wait.
I would rather have that decision made in a stable mind set as
opposed to a "in the heat of the moment" decision.
Or if we are making out and things start progressing that way
should I just slow it down and suggest we talk about it first?
(I just thought of that now.)
Or maybe it could be something we talk about during the date? As
you can tell I'm all over the map here. So any advice would be
greatly appreciated.
Have a good one,
Neal
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Hello Neal:
That's a great, thought-provoking question, and one I believe a lot
of high-quality guys deal with in one form or another.
So it deserves a thought-out answer.
First, the easy part of that answer. I think if you brought it up
out of the blue without context, she'd likely think that you were
trying to see if she's game.
And that would feel to her like you're trying to "get something off
her" like back in seventh grade. So I wouldn't directly initiate a
conversation like that.
In fact, for the first date or two here the main point is to see
whether or not the two of you even get along. That's job one.
Despite what you hear about in the Seduction Community, a man with
options realizes that going after the "close" on first dates is a
lousy strategy.
The far better investment is to spend those first hours together
enjoying each other's company and testing the rapport.
Importantly, even as far as sex IS concerned you are using that
time to interpret what sex with her would even be LIKE, and if it's
what you really want--not simply from an attraction perspective but
from a social one also.
Is she likely to become emotionally attached quickly? A "drama
queen"?
Ask any guy who has bedded a number of women very quickly in his
day and he'll tell you. Sometimes the fallout isn't worth the
getoff, if you get my drift.
In fact, most guys who dream about banging a different new chick
every night probably only fantasize about it because they've never
experienced what it's actually like.
That means they haven't experienced the stalkers, manipulators
and OMG pregnancy scares either.
Besides, if she's worth having sex with once, wouldn't she be
worth having (better) sex with again...and again?
But all of that said, my honest feeling regarding getting a read on
her attitudes and beliefs regarding sex are that she'll let you
know without you having to ask.
Now, importantly, what I'm suggesting here does NOT involve
passivity on your part.
You aren't just sitting there with your hands folded like "Mr. Nice
Guy" waiting for her to someday announce that she's horny.
Rather, you are actively listening for clues as to what she's
thinking or even subjectively suggesting.
What do I mean by that?
Well, for starters, women are usually fairly wise to how guys
operate. Having been on a few dates in her time, the woman you've
just met is likely well-aware that LOTS of men are pre-wired to be
ready for sex early and often in a relationship.
As such, she has learned to present herself in a manner that sends
the right message to the guy she's with (whatever that message is
to her)...all without having to come right out and say anything.
In fact, apart from the idea of telegraphing that you're perhaps
sex-focused, asking directly for her VERBAL opinions might actually
be counterproductive in other ways.
When you blatantly ASK what a woman's attitudes are regarding sex,
she MAY tell you that she's very conservative and to keep your hands
off.
But what she's REALLY saying is, "I'm protecting myself from
getting used for sex, so I'm telling you to 'forgetaboutit' as a
test to see if you'll stick around and remain interested in me as a
human being."
And as a man of high quality, you'll respect her opinion on that
and keep your hands off, probably.
Here's the irony, though.
Once she is fully comfortable with you, and once you've
successfully ignited her femininity as a masculine man, whatever
she told you early on when you asked about her "attitudes toward
sex" probably won't hold much water.
Her real-world behavior might be VERY different than you expect.
In fact, I've seen women TALK conservatively about sex at first,
and THEN offer very clear (or even flat-out overt) "take me"
signals shortly thereafter. Sometimes on the SAME DATE.
Go figure.
But, as a guy, having TALKED about it and heard her words, you may
then cross her signals or even MISS them altogether when she
demonstrates such sexual willingness later.
After all, you HEARD what she said...and you took it at face
value, despite the simple fact that she may tell EVERY guy
those things simply to protect herself.
So in such a case as that, having VERBALIZED the concept may
actually cause you to mess up later...when it really counts.
Here's the thing. Women are HUMAN BEINGS who are have
their own free will and who can make their OWN DECISIONS.
And yes, they are to be respected as being RESPONSIBLE for their
own decisions.
So, the secret here is to WATCH HER ACTIONS versus ASKING HER FOR
HER OPINIONS. That's a major "chick whispering" tenet, there.
One of the cornerstones, actually.
Reject any feminist notion you've heard before. If a woman
WILLINGLY decides to be physical with you, it's because SHE wanted
to.
It's such an obvious statement, but yet so many guys have been
brainwashed to believe that if a woman has sex with them it's
NECESSARILY because he "manipulated" or "tricked" the poor,
weak-willed little creature into it.
I'm calling B.S. on that. Why would feminists apparently champion
female weakness, anyway? That always confused me.
Not ALL sex is a result of "manipulation" or "trickery".
In fact, I'd argue that VERY LITTLE of it actually is. Ergo,
why I harp so much on why PUA tactics built on such things are
to be avoided.
Sure, it's a sign of low character to go that route.
But more to the point, it really DOESN'T WORK any more than "hard
sell" tactics at a used-car dealership work on YOU.
All women--including the one you are seeing--are very human and
very able to make adult decisions, notwithstanding some
debilitating condition (like cessation of breathing).
So enjoy getting to know her for now.
Understand that she wants to know you will protect her good
reputation even as you take a genuine interest in her.
And rest-assured that when you've done the right things as a "big
four" man, you can then trust when you get signals from her that
she's ready to get frisky with you that they're VERY REAL and to
be acted on accordingly.
This is regardless of what she says the first time you meet her.
The only caveats are these.
First, if a woman expresses very strong moral convictions against
sex before marriage, and you subsequently get her SO HOT that she's
ready to forsake those convictions, you would do well to put on the
brakes for HER conscience's sake.
Remember, women FOLLOW YOUR LEAD, and taking such a stand on her
behalf under those circumstances will amaze her.
But even if you don't put on the brakes there, the decision to go
for it with you is still hers ultimately.
Second, some women have SUCH low-self-esteem that they throw
themselves sexually at guys they don't even really want so much.
If she lacks passion or is even flat-out distraught about getting
physical with you, this could be what's going on.
Yes, it's still HER choice if she willingly puts herself in that
compromising position. But don't cheapen YOURSELF by allowing that
to happen.
Overall man, I think the simple fact that you think in such an
evolved way about the issue you are writing about demonstrates that
you are going to have no problem.
Relax and have fun. Women are going to love you.
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