[X&Y] What To Do When She Seems Interested But Won't Go Out With You

Published: Fri, 12/29/17

 


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IN THIS EDITION:  What's up with a woman who SEEMS interested, but
who just doesn't seem to let you lead things to the next level?

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LETTER FROM A READER


Hi Scot!

I am a Power Sessions member. You said that if we have a question,
we can contact you.

I've got talking to a waitress at a cafe/bar I often go to.  It's a
really chill place...she chuckles at my jokes, we get on fine.
However she's really pretty and I'm sure lots of guys like her.  

Yesterday I asked her out and she didn't want to.  Instead she said
come back to the café anytime.  

Finally I did.  After I paid I took her to a quiet part of the cafe
and we chatted a little and again she seemed receptive.  I asked
for her number twice and she said she didn't give out her number.

Then she said all this stuff about her job and exams and not having
time for friends...

So what should I do?  She's not interested in a way but we do get
on fine.  Do I chalk this up to experience?  Or keep persisting?  I
read somewhere girls want to see how persistent a man can be.

The interesting thing is that even when she was saying 'no' she was
standing there still, without the urge to get back to her work.  I
mean, she was still facing me and in fact it was me who ended the
interaction, THEN she went back to work.
 
Would love to hear your thoughts!


Best Wishes,

Viktor (Prague, Czech Rep.)



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Hello Viktor:

First and foremost, of course you can ask a question.  And
of course I answer them.  Anytime.  Power Sessions includes
e-mail coaching as part of the plan.

Having read your story, I have to first say that I can't give a
100% certain answer without seeing the body language, knowing
the exact context of the conversations, etc.

But taking your description of what's going on at face value, no
doubt she is receptive to you and possibly even romantically
interested.  YET...she doesn't want to spend time with you 1-on-1
or give you her phone number.

Were she putting you off a bit more, I'd be able to give an easy
answer that she was flat-out uninterested.  But this situation is
particularly curious, isn't it?  

She's resistant to exactly those things that clearly state "romantic
interest" in the objective sense.  (e.g. going on dates, giving out her
phone number)  YET...she's willing to hang out with you, take time
out while working, talk to you, laugh at your jokes, etc.)

You may conclude she's been hurt in the past and is really shy
about dating again.  That may in fact be possible, but I think it's a
long shot.

Based on experience, my guess is that she would have said
something to that effect were that true, especially since it's an
easy excuse.

So, let's take a quick inventory here:  



  1)  She won't go out on a "date" with you


  2)  She won't give you her phone number

 
  3)  She likes to hang out with you in controlled situations,
      shows personal interest, laughs at your jokes


  4)  She pretty much leaves you hanging as far as exact
      "real-world" details are concerned.



Well, let me assure you that I don't think she's flaky, crazy or
weird.

Maybe she's just bored...but I doubt that also.

I strongly suspect she has a boyfriend.

And I think she's wondering if she likes you better.

So this is her way of being "faithful" to her boyfriend, even as
she's allowing herself the indulgence of interacting with you in a
special way that falls just short of feeling like cheating to
her.  

This is a very common pattern in women, especially younger women
who haven't developed the maturity to see beyond their own grey
area and consider how their boyfriends might feel genuinely
disrespected by their actions.

In her mind, talking to you for extended periods when she should be
working instead, laughing at your jokes and even inviting you back
to see her are "platonic".  

But hanging out with you 1-on-1?  Giving you her "digits"?  Well,
that's clearly crossing over into the territory of "romantic
intentions" as she sees it.
 
The next time you see her, why not tell it like it is?  In
other words, just throw it on the table.

Bear in mind that she will likely never volunteer the information.
Why?  Because deep down in her conscience, she realizes that your
vision of "grey area" may indeed be different than hers.  

Basically, she knows she's pushing the envelope, and dreads being
spanked for it by a guy like you, who she values.

It's all kind of a crazy psychological game, isn't it?

So as a man, you must not allow yourself to be subject to that.
Instead, you've got to lead by bringing clarity to the scenario.

Tell her something to the effect of, "Hey look.  I know you like my
company, but anyone can tell that something is holding you back.  I
want you to know that I understand you probably have a boyfriend,
and since that's the case I shouldn't cause you any more confusion."

Note that I didn't say, "Hey, you have a boyfriend. You should lose
the zero and get with the hero."  

That would come off as pushy and controlling, and likely compel her
to defend her boyfriend.  Besides, that's a bad line from an even
worse Vanilla Ice movie.

Ironically, taking that approach would probably cause her to
actually feel more favor toward him and less toward you in the
moment.

If you really want things to work in your favor here, you should
demonstrate that you are all about decreasing turmoil in her life
and increasing peace and security.

It's ALWAYS, ALWAYS about giving a woman a sense of safety and
security in your presence.  That ability to inspire confidence is
a key component of the "big four", and what I'm sharing with you
here is a shining, objective example of how it's done.

You are likely already presenting yourself as a confident,
masculine man, or she wouldn't be as interested as she is.  

So talking like this will increase her intrigue, and therefore her
interest.

Notably, consider that I also didn't recommend saying you "wouldn't
bother her anymore", or anything else that demonstrates a low level
of confidence.  Your statement is based purely on principle, and
demonstrates high level of character.
 
You guessed it...character is the fourth (and rarest) of the "big
four" factors that compel women to want a man.

And wait until you hear what she's likely to say in response to
your forthrightness.

My guess is that the truth will start flowing.  

She *may* even admit to you she has doubts about her boyfriend,
which she probably does.  

Otherwise, her "grey area" with regard to what constitutes
platonic interaction wouldn't have offered such an open
invitation to a guy like you.   

Women who are thrilled with their boyfriends tend to naturally
avoid the "grey area" drama I've been describing here.  Go
figure.
 
Remember though, as she sees it she really has been trying not to
give the appearance of anything that would seem like cheating
to her.

She isn't trying to be shady.  She wants to consider herself
"faithful" to her boyfriend.  

But you came along and complicated matters for her...which is
certainly not your fault or anything.
 
Then, you led by calling her to a higher level of personal
accountability...even as you demonstrated outrageously
attractive traits she hadn't even discovered in you yet.

So, when you get right down to it, her boyfriend would probably
rather be in your position than the one HE'S in, don't you think?

Think, talk and execute confidently and smoothly.  It is never
incumbent upon you to "dumb down" your naturally attractive
persona.  

You are the man with nothing to lose here.  And she is the woman
with everything to gain.

In other words, you are going to do the right thing without
compromise, all the while increasing attraction.

The likelihood is that you will ultimately end up able to hang out
with her n a "non-platonic" way.   Probably sooner than later, I
might add.


 
 




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