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IN THIS EDITION:  Is "tender lovemaking" the only sex that's any good
to women?

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WHAT MAKES SEX GREAT? (LETTER FROM A WOMAN)


Dear Scot:
 
I love reading your emails every week & especially enjoyed the one
about the "Just Be Sex Zone". You really hit the nail on the head
with that.

I have a question that is related...
 
I was out last night with some new friends and we were talking about
pros & cons of hookup culture. I declared to these guys that "love was
the secret sauce that makes sex fantastic.

If sex is like pizza (even when it's bad it's still pizza) then random
hookup sex is pizza from 7-11 (something you only consider appetizing
at 3am when you are drunk lol) and sex with someone you are in love
with is like pizza fresh from a wood-fired oven served in a villa in
Tuscany (one bite & you're in heaven).
 
They busted out laughing and said that wasn't true for guys at all.

I know that women are usually wired this way, but is it really true that
all sex is the same for guys whether they have an emotional connection
or not?

Maybe this is the origin of the "JBS Zone."
 
And if it's not emotional connection, then what is the "secret sauce" that
makes sex fantastic for guys??
 
Thanks for reading my email & I would be sooooo excited to see this
topic covered in your newsletter.


Amanda  (Parts Unknown)



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Hello Amanda:

First off, I'm glad you've obviously never had the misfortune of having been
dragged to some little kid's birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese.

Good God Man.  That's the most disgusting pizza on Earth.  It's like stale
bread with ketchup and that plastic-tasting "non-dairy" cheese on it. 

I literally don't have the stomach to even order toppings.  But rumor has
it that the pepperoni tastes so gamey you'd think it came from a zebra
or something.  Weird.

But anyway, your question isn't really about pizza, so on with it...

First off, everyone is a unique individual, so it would be neither fair
nor accurate to characterize and entire gender in a certain way.

For example, I wouldn't be quick to assume that "all sex is the same" for
men.

If any guy ever said that to me, it would be one of those tip-off phrases
that the dude needs some serious work on his bedroom skills.

Either that or he hasn't had enough experience to know the difference.

Meanwhile, the truth is that even though your male friends laughed off
your opinion, plenty of guys would agree with your take on things.

But then again there are plenty of women who might not.

If you surveyed a large section of people anonymously you'd likely
uncover a myriad of other key factors such as:


1)  How sexually attractive one's partner is (this is MAJOR for men, no
doubt)

2)  How sexually attractive one perceives him or herself to be (this is
MAJOR for women)

3)  Novelty (i.e. first time sex vs. the 1000th time with the same person)

4)  Naughtiness of the situation (e.g. danger of getting caught)

5)  "Forbidden" sex (i.e. teenagers with strict parents, extramarital affairs)

6)  Frequency of sex  (i.e. if one rarely has sex vs. every day)

7)  Horniness at that moment (applies to both partners)

8)  Sexual skill

9)  General health of the participants

10)  Strength/stamina

11)  How the "parts" fit (not all genitalia is created equal, and this can get
quite subjective)

12)  Openmindedness (how far one is willing to go, what one is willing to do)

13)  Personality type

14)  Sexual chemistry

15)  How hot the other person is for you (this is a sneaky important one)

16)  Freedom from outside mental concern/worries (e.g. about to lose job,
etc.)

17)  Freedom from sexual worries (e.g. STDs, lack of birth control)

18)  Freedom from ambient constraints  (i.e. the kids are asleep in the
other room, thin walls in a hotel, etc.)

19)  Inhibition vs. shame or shyness

20)  Physical state of the participants (sleepy, hungry, headache, etc.)

21)  Performance issues (PE, performance anxiety, vaginal dryness, etc.)


As you can see, there's quite a lot to take into consideration when evaluating
what "good sex" really is.

My guess is that for most people the best sex possible would incorporate the
positive side of all those factors I listed, and perhaps several I've overlooked.  

And even after all of that is considered, you're still left to struggle with ye olde
debate of deep, tender lovemaking vs. the visceral, primal act of drilling each
other's brains out, right?

Are they two separate ideas or can they peacefully coexist?

And can the latter be a fulfilling endeavor, despite the protests of those who
might disagree?

To say that love is all that matters is a romantic and perhaps "politically
correct" thought, but the truth is few would argue any of those other bullet
points I listed above.

As real-world evidence, even people who are deeply in love like Emily and I
are have some romps that are better than others. 

Finally, the true x-factor here  is that "love" can be a bit of an esoteric concept.

Genuine, positive concern for each other would make sex hotter, whereas a
mindset that "love is a decision" would likely not.

Overall a great topic.  Thanks for writing.