[X&Y] The Secret To Being More Outgoing (That I Had To Learn Personally)
Published: Fri, 12/13/19
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WHAT'S INSIDE: Have you ever felt like you were practically
invisible in a social situation?=====
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DO YOU WANT TO BE MORE OUTGOING?
A lot of guys I talk to want to be more outgoing.
Sure, they want to get over any anxiety they have about meeting
women. But generally speaking, they'd like to be bolder about
approaching strangers at social gatherings...period.
Interestingly enough, I get about an equal number of e-mails from
guys who feel as if they're all but invisible whenever they enter a
room full of people, and they want more people to approach THEM.
These two concepts have a very interesting relation to one another,
don't they?
In the first case, some guys want to be more socially proactive.
In the second, other guys want people to be more proactive about
meeting them first.
But both stem from a similar mindset. When you get right down to
it, just about all of us think that virtually everyone is outgoing...except
ourselves, perhaps.
Well, have I ever got news for you. They're NOT.
If you were to ask a random sampling of people if they have a sense
of humor or not, I'd bet that almost everyone would say they do.
But you can readily tell from your daily dealings with the human
race that many do not, even though they THINK so.
Similarly, I believe that most people would like to think of
themselves as outgoing. After all, since the vast majority of people
see that as a positive trait we'd like to assign it to ourselves.
And since most of us are optimistic sorts, we also like to think
the best about other people. Therefore, it follows logically that
we persist in believing that most everyone else is outgoing.
But see, here's the thing. Not only is it a fallacy to believe that
'everyone is outgoing, I'd go so far as to say that VERY FEW
people actually are.
So where does this whole train of thought lead us?
Well, let's say we go to a party where we know hardly anyone. As
usual, nobody approaches us and introduces themselves. We feel
slighted as if we're invisible.
But even though that's one of the loneliest feelings in the world,
we're really NOT alone. It's altogether probable that a whole
bunch of other people at that party feel the exact same way.
The truth of the matter is that if you ever go to a party and
people really ARE lining up to get to know you, it's likely that
you're either a famous celebrity or the reason the party is being
thrown to begin with.
At the very least, you're the keynote speaker.
Seriously, notwithstanding those qualifiers, it's exceedingly rare
for ANYONE to break the proverbial ice with someone they've never
met in social situations like that.
When they do, you're grateful they did...and you take notice. It's a
memorable event, isn't it? You feel better immediately and you
think of your new acquaintance as a wonderful person.
So considering the clear benefits, why on Earth aren't more of us
socially proactive?
The answer to that question is about as simple as it gets.
Being outgoing is HARD, man.
It is NOT easy to go up to total strangers and risk looking silly
and/or getting "rejected". You already know that from all the fuss
about fear of approaching beautiful women.
Going up to people you've never met before and making small talk
isn't necessarily all that much easier simply because you're not
particularly interested in sexing them up.
The other day I was on a coaching call with a guy who is among
those interested in being more outgoing.
We talked a lot about ways to be more social, and I finally gave
him a mission to complete before the next call. I exhorted him to
go out and introduce himself to five people.
I realized immediately that what I was asking was potentially a lot
more difficult than it sounded. And in that moment, it also
occurred to me that I could personally use a refresher on being
more outgoing myself.
So I made a pact with the guy. I'd be accountable for the VERY
SAME assignment.
I had a wine tasting event to go to that very night, and pledged
I'd proactively meet five people while there.
Well, I made good on that. But I'll tell you, every person I
introduced myself to was a bit surprised...at least at first.
Sooner than later, however, I got into some interesting
conversations and realized there were some fascinating people
around me.
One worked in the same industry that I used to, but in a completely
different capacity that I knew little about.
Another had visited the very same amazing place I had been to this
past summer. Upon talking to him further, I found out that he had
also just returned from the next place on my "bucket list". As you
can imagine, his input on that was terrific.
You know what? Being outgoing was GREAT. I met cool people,
and they thought I was cool in return.
So why don't we ALL do more of that sort of thing?
I really think it comes down to fear. And that fear is largely
irrational.
If we want to stop feeling alone and invisible at parties, it's
time to wake up to the simple fact that most people aren't as
outgoing as we think they are.
So if we're going to be social in a room full of apparent
strangers, the first step is to understand that we're not being
singled out and ignored on purpose.
Really...there's nothing wrong with us.
With that out of the way, it's then up to us to be the ones who
defy conventional wisdom and take the risk of introducing ourselves.
Yes, it's HARD. But knowing that it's truly difficult for most
everyone should empower you to be different.
The rewards for your boldness are manifold, including making
friends and influencing people. Plus, you get to join a very
exclusive fraternity of truly outgoing people.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. Want the whole story on this subject? There's an entire
full-length audio devoted to it in Invincible. It's Core Audio #9,
"The Social Charisma Of A Winner"
http://programs.deservewhatyouwant.com/invincible-subs
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