[X&Y] Yes, Give Her A Compliment (Why Other Dating Advice Is Wrong)
Published: Thu, 09/24/20
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INCLUDED BELOW: Doesn't giving a woman compliments make a guy
look like a "chaser"? Not necessarily.
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YES, YOU CAN AND SHOULD GIVE HER A COMPLIMENT
OK, let's say that you've either just met a woman or are meeting
with her 1-on-1 for the first time (aka "going on a date with her").
Either way, for the purpose at hand let's assume that she has
already impressed your socks off.
In fact, you're thinking to yourself that if you ever have the good
fortune to see this woman naked you will have pretty much hit the
jackpot...literally and figuratively.
So NOW WHAT?
More specifically, how do you conduct yourself? What should you
say to her?
You know that if you talk about weather and politics you'll come
off as neuter and thereby FAIL at creating attraction.
So you've GOT to show her in some way that you're interested in
being MORE than "just a friend".
The problem is that you may have been told somewhere along the line
to try any (or all) of the following:
1) Make sure you knock her off her pedestal some by acting as if
you're unimpressed..
2) Feign indifference toward her so she'll chase YOU instead of
vice-versa.
And, of course, perhaps the most infamous strategy (or is that
"stragedy"?) of all...
3) NEVER give a woman a compliment...ever.
Now listen. I fully understand the thought process behind each of
those three tactics.
Sadly, most guys who are newbies when it comes to interacting
with women tend to come off like desperate, starving puppies when
confronted with a real, live opportunity to attract a hottie.
Such guys might start gushing about how beautiful the woman is to
them, sort of like Enos always did to "Miss Daisy" in The Dukes Of
Hazzard.
I'm sure you've seen the comments dudes post below bikini pics
that hot girls post on social media sites. It's like we should
change the name of Facebook to Facepalm, huh?
Or what's arguably worse, some guys even start bragging about
anything and everything possible in a feeble attempt to impress
her.
So sure...each of the three strategies above are intended to put an
end to these basic destructive tendencies.
But at best, they're nothing more than stop gap measures for guys
who aren't quite "big four" men yet.
So then, if and when any or all of them become habit, you'll soon
find that the proverbial pendulum has swung the opposite way...and
that's not good.
Here's what I mean.
Regarding #1 for example, what if she isn't exactly so "full of
herself" and in fact doesn't have the world's most rock-solid
self-esteem?
She could take what you say seriously, no matter how playful you
are about saying it...and that would be counter-productive.
And no kidding...MOST women aren't exactly paragons of self-esteem,
no matter how beautiful or generally sharp they are.
As for the second one, remember a woman is a human being just like
you. (Really...I promise.) Knowing that, how do YOU usually read
someone who acts utterly disinterested in you? Thought so.
And the third one? Ask yourself if that's what you REALLY want out
of the interaction.
Are you the kind of man who honesty prefers to NEVER say something
positive to a woman that might actually LIFT her less-than-perfect
(read: normal and human) self-esteem?
Again, as a human being how excited would YOU be to hang out with a
woman who NEVER, EVER acknowledged you looked good, were
talented, or basically ever did anything right?
You and I both know that we as guys tend to build TONS of disdain
for and even full-on resentment toward women who are like that.
And it's equally safe to say that no woman is ever going to confuse
a guy who offers ZERO approval of her for anyone who has her best
interests at heart.
You really can't instill a sense of safety and security in her that
way, can you?
So simply put, as you get better with women--as I trust you
will--you're going to want more effective ways to proceed.
Slapping a Band-Aid on the problem won't cut it.
Now, as you've observed guys who appear to be doing well with
women, I'm sure you've noticed something that might strike you as
somewhat odd.
Yes, they actually give women compliments. There's no denying it.
But here's the amazing part. Contrary to what all the newbie
guides you've read suggest, they actually get somewhere with women
by doing so.
In fact, some guys can give women all sorts of complimentary
indicators of approval and still charm her to no end.
But wait, isn't that sort of "nice" stuff supposed to fail miserably?
Not so fast.
The problem "Mr. Nice Guy" has is that he's only on his best behavior
because he's either TRYING to impress her or he's worried about
offending her and LOSING her.
Meanwhile, those guys you've seen out there who know what they're
doing are telling a woman what they TRULY think about her for
COMPLETELY different reasons.
Usually, one such reason is that they are CONFIDENT any woman
in her right mind should find them inherently attractive.
Therefore, there's no need to impress a woman. Compliments and
other clear demonstrations of interest are honest and sort of
matter-of-fact, actually.
But there's another reason why giving women compliments works FOR
these guys instead of AGAINST them.
Usually, guys who are effective with women give approval to them
when they've expressly EARNED it.
In other words, there's no halo effect when they interact with ANY
woman, even the "tens".
There's no pre-approval of her as some sort of goddess or something.
Guys who are good at this stuff wait until they hear about how she
donates her time to the homeless before telling her they're "proud
of her".
Similarly, they wait until she has done her hair up in a special
way just to go out on a date with him...and THEN they tell her how
beautiful her hair looks.
Can you detect the very clear difference between what's going on
there and the "Starving Chihuahua Syndrome"?
To spell it out, the difference between needy, desperate compliments
(or any needy, desperate attention, really) and the kind of attention
women LIKE is very clear-cut.
Needy, desperate guys give women approval based on FEAR OF
LOSS.
What they are actually seeking is HER approval of them. They are
GIVING in order to GET.
This comes off as extraordinarily weak...which is not exactly
becoming of a masculine man who is both a provider and a protector,
right?
Meanwhile, where there is NO fear of loss, compliments come off as
more heartfelt and genuine.
Because a man who is NOT desperate or needy is a chooser instead of
a chaser, the woman tends to actually feel PRIVILEGED to hear a
compliment from him. It means something to her.
Once again, let's talk in "human" terms rather than "man vs. woman".
What kind of approval means more to you? The kind that's thrown at
you out of desperation (which may even come off as manipulation, if
you think about it), or the kind that is genuinely EARNED from
someone who means it?
Thought so.
If a woman is beautiful and talented, she wants to hear it from
you...but only after she knows you have a truly informed frame of
reference.
And by the way, since women follow your lead, it's especially
crucial not to turn the newbie strategy of "never giving a woman
compliments" into a lifetime habit.
Can you see why? That would be one miserable life together indeed.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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