[X&Y] What If Your Date Is Showing No Interest In You Whatsoever?
Published: Sat, 11/07/20
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IN THIS EDITION: How do read a "poker faced" woman's level of
interest in you on a first date? Sometimes it seems practically
impossible to do so, doesn't it?
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What happens when you approach women?
Are they smiling, giggling and playing with their hair...or are they stone
silent, looking askance for an escape route?
Are you even approaching women at all?
There's no doubt that in order for anything to happen with that sexy
woman you have your eye on, you have to meet her first.
That's the all-important first step, right?
So getting this part right is mission-critical. Then you've got to make
conversation that attracts her, and make plans to see her again.
Otherwise, it's a wasted effort to even have met her to begin with.
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...all the while empowering you to be a real man of character instead
of feeling like some cheesy pickup line guy who's "hitting on her".
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QUESTION FROM A READER
Hey Scot, I hope all is going well.
On a first date how do you handle a situation where you can't tell
if she is interested in you at all?
Here is the scene: Last night I had a Match.com date. We met for
drinks and free bread at an Italian restaurant. We sat at the bar,
watched pizza dough being thrown, and sipped on our drinks.
It was laid back and casual...not a stuffy, high pressured first
restaurant date that you advocate against. I've taken several women
here and this place has proven to be a good "get to know each
other" spot.
Here is crux of where my question is coming from. She did a few
things to make think she was interested, and she did a few things
that made it seem she was not interested.
THE GOOD THINGS: Ran her fingers through her hair several times, A
few times I was able to sustain a long warm smile on her face while
talking to her.
A few times she would spin on her stool directly at me and lean in.
Several times I gave her some really good chuckles that made her
relax and warm up. Sometimes she was warm.
THE NOT SO GOOD SIGNS: She talked a lot about her problems with
finding the right guys. She talked a lot about wondering if
something was wrong with her.
At one point she was asking me general advice on how to let a guy
know she is interested with out coming on too strong...
You know Scot these type of questions are something a woman would
ask a platonic male friend, and at times this is exactly how I felt.
My gut feeling is sort of telling me that she is lacking attraction
for me.
At the end of the night, I walked her to her car. We hugged and I
kissed her on the cheek. I'm not scared to go in for a real kiss,
but I do so only when my gut instinct tell me to.
As for me: I am motivated to see her again for 2 reasons. 1) She
turns me on physically. 2) She seems that she may have the level
of character I am looking for in a woman.
This is my plan: Call her tonight and thank her for driving out to
my town to meet me. Let her know that I want to see her a 2nd time
to better find out if there is a mutual connection.
What are your thoughts? How would you better test the waters to
find out if the attraction is mutual?
Also feel free to check out her Match.com profile: [withheld].
Thanks!
Dennis (Duluth, GA)
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Thanks for the e-mail, Dennis.
She's a cutie. A "girl next door" type, for sure.
She also hasn't been active on Match.com for a week. That's good
news for you. She's not diligently searching on Match.com for the
next guy to go out on a date with.
And a week may as well be an eternity in the online dating world.
No woman who is getting any attention whatsoever online (let alone a
lot of it, as this particular woman is probably getting with such a
well done profile) can resist checking in for more than forty-eight
hours...max.
This is all field-tested truth, by the way.
In fact, based on what you've told me thus far, in my opinion it's
ALL good news for you.
When I began reading this e-mail I thought you were going to start
talking about a woman who gave absolutely no indicators of interest
whatsoever.
By that I mean she's stone-faced with detached / closed body
language and a "hands off" attitude.
But here you have a woman who is giving VERY classic signs of
approval and indeed flat-out attraction.
She's engaged in the conversation.
She's smiling and laughing...even leaning in--that's a solid one.
Playing with her hair isn't necessarily as foolproof as some
believe it is, but the old David DeAngelo idea of her letting YOU
touch her hair IS. I'd try that next time, when the time is right.
And there WILL be a next time if you follow the plan you mentioned.
I'd leave out the part about seeing if there's a "mutual connection"
and simply let the fact that you are inviting her to see you again
do ALL the talking.
There's really no need to couch it in formalities or anything else
that could artificially (and unnecessarily) inject awkwardness into
the conversation.
Going forward, here are two key ideas to keep in mind when reading
a woman's level of interest on a first date:
1) Most women aren't going to be "all over you" on first dates.
The unfortunate social stigma of being "forward" aside, women are
just as interested in NOT appearing clingy, needy and/or straight-up
desperate as men are (or should be).
Besides, they LOVE when a man can take the lead (Note: This is not
to be confused with "chasing".
True leadership is in fact choosing versus chasing--she's typically
waiting on YOU as a man to make decisions, even as far as the
progression of the relationship is concerned.)
2) Be very careful categorizing friendly conversation as a bad
thing.
The problem with the "Just Be Friends Zone" is the word "Just",
not the word "Friends".
A lot of dating/seduction advice for men seems to talk about
avoiding friendship with women in general.
This is an unfortunate overreaction to pandemic neediness and
wussiness on the part of many men.
Truth be told, a woman can discuss what's on her mind with you in a
casual, matter of fact manner just like she would with platonic
friends and still very much be wildly hot for you under the
surface.
In fact, creating a friendship with her is crucial, otherwise there's
nothing else there BUT the sexual attraction.
The difference-maker between "JBF" and the desired result is quite
simply your masculine ability to ignite femininity. That's the
ingredient that creates attraction.
Without that, the conversation might turn to asking your opinion on
specific guys she is attracted to...and I'd agree that would NOT be
a good sign.
But let's back off from the general principle at play here and take
a closer look at your particular situation for a second.
She's talking about questions she has that specifically relate to
being attractive to men and showing attraction toward them.
My educated guess is that she knew exactly what she was doing,
and was actually fishing for your impressions of her...all the while
seeking out your input on how she might show her interest towards
you in a manner you'd appropriate.
So maybe she wasn't quite able to contain the "needy impulse" as
much as you might have thought, after all.
I'm wondering how you answered her questions, and--more
importantly--did you give her something she could act upon?
If so...did she?
I hope you didn't miss any of that if it happened right there in
the moment. Once again, it's difficult for us guys to get outside
our own heads sometimes.
By the way, remember the stone-faced "hands-off" chick from a the
beginning of this e-mail? You can't judge a book by its cover even
in those situations.
Sometimes women are very, very cautious--both with their actions
and their words.
They may be protective because of past experiences with unworthy
guys, their mamas may have told them to never be "forward", or
they may just not have the kind of personality that shows
attraction so obviously.
These women, ironically, are often the ones who come to Emily
wondering why they don't get asked on second dates!
Usually the answer, of course, is that guys don't consider there to
have been any interest on her part...even though under the poker-faced
surface, there was plenty going on.
Generally speaking, lack of decided DISinterest can actually indicate
very good news in the overall sense.
The big test is if such a woman goes on the second date. If she's
there, she remains at least somewhat interested--regardless of her
signals.
Then if there's a third date, there's no doubt about her interest level.
This assumes, of course, that the main attraction on such dates is
you--not how much money you're spending. But that's not what's
going on in your case. Great job taking her someplace casual with
an upbeat and fun atmosphere.
You are doing a lot of things correctly. Keep it up my good man.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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