[X&Y] You Have NOT Been "Rejected"

Published: Wed, 01/27/21



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WHAT'S INSIDE:   You ask her out, but she declines the invitation.
Here are the first six of a full dozen different reasons why it
might have had NOTHING to do with you at all.

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TELL THE "TOXIC MASCULINITY" CROWD TO SHOVE IT


I bristle at the "toxic masculinity" narrative.

It's not that I think we should all reserve the right to BE toxic.

It's because I don't believe masculinity itself IS "toxic".

And I am confident YOU aren't "toxic".

Masculinity is rooted in virtue.  If certain men turn that into vice,
yes that's a problem.  And we should indeed stand up against
that.

But central belief in the virtue of masculinity--and the power it
has to attract virtuous femininity--is the cornerstone of this
entire gig around here.

That's a radically different way of looking things than your
typical "trick women into giving you what you want" type of
advice.

But I tell you what WORKS, not simply what sounds good
to guys who wish things were different.

The TRUTH is the best way to get the woman you want is
to BE the kind of man she desires.

That means in addition to avoiding petty trickery and mind
games, you can't buy your way into a woman's heart with
flowers, chocolates or anything else like that.

It's WHO you are, not WHAT you do.

PRESENCE, not PERFORMANCE.

You instinctively know that if you were to step up to the plate and
make the breakthrough happen, you could be spending more time
with the kind of women you really want to be with.

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perfect counter to the "toxic masculinity" meme you've been subject
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And now, let's talk about when approaching a woman might not turn
out how you wanted it to, but not because of anything at all having
to do with YOU personally...



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WHEN REJECTION ISN'T REALLY REJECTION AT ALL (PART
ONE)


Regardless of what you've heard, women would much rather you
approach them than vice-versa.

If you think about it, this makes perfect sense.  Part of being a
man is taking leadership. 

Women are attracted to a man who "goes after what he wants". 
Initiative and ambition are masculine traits that ignite femininity.

What's more, if "approach anxiety" is such a universal issue among
men all over the world, who are we to think that women are going to
"man up" and make the first move any more boldly than we are?

So the simple fact of the matter is this:  If we're going to meet
women and go out with them we've GOT to get over approach anxiety.

Granted, that's hard to do because we fear rejection. 

And we fear rejection because we take rejection personally.

In other words, if a woman we're attracted to doesn't reciprocate our
interest, we tend to automatically believe we're simply not attractive
to women AT ALL. 

That's never a good feeling. 

In fact, the risk of being subjected to perceived rejection usually
outweighs any potential reward of her actually liking us back.  So
we typically do NOTHING rather than approaching, right?

But wait a minute...I just said "perceived rejection".   What's up
with that? 

Well, lately I've witnessed a number of situations first-hand that
have galvanized my belief that in a SHOCKING number of instances
when "rejection" happens it has nothing to do with us.

Yet, because we usually have no way of knowing what's really going
on inside a woman's head when she turns us down, we believe--by
default--that we're inadequate in some way.

Now granted, if you are pushy, weird, creepy or smell bad you've
got some work to do.

But most of us are somewhere between "normal" and "hyper amazing",
so why would women refuse the opportunity to spend time with us?

In the name of helping get a handle on "approach anxiety" forever,
here are the first six of a whopping DOZEN reasons why women turn
us down--all of which have ZERO to do with personal rejection.

In other words, in each of the cases I'm about to share you could
have been ANYBODY--no matter how incredible--and you STILL
would have experienced the same unfavorable outcome.

I've broken down the "dirty dozen" rejection look-alikes into two
subsets:  The "circumstantial" and the "emotional".

In other words, stuff that's external to the woman's feelings and
factors that are internal to who she is at her core.

This time we'll deal with the "circumstantial" side.  Here goes...



1)  She Really DOES "Have A Boyfriend"


I've written before about how to deal with the dreaded "I have a
boyfriend" excuse. 

But sometimes it's not really an "excuse".  It's for real.

Forget what you've read elsewhere about "boyfriend destroyer
game", or any other low view of women that assumes they'll
blindly leave a committed relationship for the next "shiny object".

If she's in a solid, healthy relationship with some other guy she's
not going to cheat on him to go out with you.

And that's okay.  After all, were she so bereft of character you'd
be next in line to get cheated on.

Nonetheless, all of this doesn't preclude her from saying to
herself, "Yeah, but if I DIDN'T have a boyfriend, I would have been
all over that guy."   Just don't plan on her admitting it to you.



2)  The Pen And The Company Ink


No matter what your beliefs are about dating co-workers, hers may
be dramatically different.  You've got to recognize that and
respect it.

I think that's easy enough for most of us to understand when we're
talking about women we work along side of every day.

It's the "grey areas", however, that tend to cross us up.

For instance, she works in a different office.  She is a vendor
representative rather than a co-worker, per se.  She may even work
for a company that is a B2B customer of yours.

In such cases YOU may think it's "open season".  But HER
perspective on things may be VERY different, and her potential
on-the-job exposure to a relationship gone wrong far greater than
yours.



3)  Her Friend Likes You


What a bummer this is, right?  She may actually like you, but
because her friend mumbled something about having the hots for
you she doesn't feel right about accepting your invitation to go out.

Great.

The worst part of all is she'll never rat out her friend's secret crush
on you, and the friend is unlikely to tell you herself either...because,
of course, the friend is probably waiting for YOU to ask HER out for
all the reasons mentioned above.

Because you don't exactly find the friend attractive, that's never
going to happen.  

But it's never going to happen with the woman you actually wanted to
go out with either...at least not until the friend moves out of town,
gets whacked by the mob and/or gets into a massive tiff with her
erstwhile BFF.

And so revolves the world.



4)  Botched Introduction


Sometimes it may seem like a great idea to get a mutual friend to
introduce you to a woman you have your eye on.

Just make sure your friend is really someone whose opinion she
respects. 

Otherwise, you could be "rejected" by proxy, with no chance of
making a high-quality first impression.

I realize this sounds flat-out ridiculous, but for some reason
women really take all of this into serious consideration.  

Similarly, even if you introduce yourself directly, "bad timing" can
kill the moment.  If another friend walks up at the same exact time
you do, or anything else awkward like that, your mojo can get
crushed. 

Perhaps you even KNOW the situation is unfavorable when you
see a woman you'd like to meet, but it's the only chance you're
going to get so it's better than nothing.

In any of these situations, had someone else introduced you to
her--or had you approached her under different circumstances--
things may have turned out very differently.



5)  You Look Like Someone


Admit it.  There has been at least one perfectly attractive woman
out there who you wanted none of.

Most red-blooded dudes would have pawned their grandmother to
get a date with her, but not you.

Why?  Well, she reminded you of your little sister or dreaded ex-
girlfriend, that's why.  Or of that mean first grade teacher who sent
you to the principal's office.  Or of someone even worse:  a GUY.

One time I met one of the hottest redheads ever on Match.com.
When I first saw her in person I felt like I had hit the jackpot.

But as the date progressed I found myself getting more and more
turned off by her, inexplicably.

It took me two days to finally figure out that she reminded me of
my roommate from college.  Ouch.

Everyone has experienced this at some point, I'd guess.  And when
the tables are turned it can be as frustrating as it gets, can't it?  



6)  You Weren't Even Noticed


If you're doing online dating at all (which you should be), this
one is for you.

I remain nonplussed by all the guys coming to me who have been
e-mailing women whose profiles flatly state "not active for weeks"
and who feel "rejected".

Guess what?  She can't really "reject" you if she's not even there,
can she?

Of course not. 

And if you're still writing "Hi" or "Hello" in your subject line to
women who are getting 50-100 e-mails per day, here's more news for
you:  If your e-mail never even got READ, then you weren't really
"rejected" either, were you?

Of course not.



Even though we're only halfway through the list, you can already
see how many convoluted ways there are for dates NOT to happen
with women. 

And in all six examples I've given you thus far, who you are isn't
a factor AT ALL. 

Hopefully, knowing that your inherent worth to all women on the
face of the Earth isn't really at play when approaching women is
empowering to you, as well it SHOULD be.

Next time we'll cover the other six situations when "rejection"
isn't really "rejection" at all.

My edumckayted guess is that we've all experienced at least a few
of the remaining items on the list, perhaps without ever even
realizing it.  

So get ready to have a huge burden lifted off your shoulders.  


 



 
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