[X&Y] 8 Ways We Mess Up When We Take Women Out
Published: Thu, 02/11/21
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WHAT'S INSIDE: Do you keep going on first dates...but not a
lot of second ones? This list just might tell you why.
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HOW TO NOT MESS UP WHEN YOU TAKE HER OUT
I've been giving considerable thought lately to why so many first
dates go awry.
Based on some of the emails I get, you would think a first
date that goes well is about as rare as an '86 Yugo in running
condition.
Are we really that deficient in making a solid first impression?
Or is it that we're flat-out unreasonable in our expectations?
Here's exactly as bad as it gets. I can tell you with a straight
face that I think most of us are BOTH. "C: All Of The Above".
Now listen, MANY times the women are at fault in these exact
same ways. But for now, let's talk about what we can control...
ourselves.
As we all know, these days people want immediate gratification
even as the concept of "customer service" is all but extinct.
So in a world of short attention spans and expectations of
disappointment we make dates with people.
Assuming we have enough integrity to actually show up rather
than flaking out, we expect to be "entertained" even as we feel
perfectly free to leave our "A game" hanging in the locker.
We're going on dates, but simply put we are not "bringing it".
And to complicate matters, thanks to online dating many of us
are going on first dates with people we haven't even MET
before. In such situations "going big or going home" takes on
new meaning.
To quote Christopher Walken in the infamous SNL skit, "I got
a fever. And the only prescription is more cowbell."
Here are eight ways we tend to doom first dates to failure, often
due to sheer apathy:
1) What We Have Here Is Failure To Communicate (At ALL)
Maybe you're nervous. Perhaps you're playing it conservative so as
not to "blow it".
But if it takes four dentists, two rocket scientists and a small boy
to extract words from your mouth when you are sitting in front of
someone you just met don't come whining to me when the date doesn't
progress the way you want it to.
2) Interview Questions
This is obvious and you've heard it a million times before, haven't
you? Yeah well, the problem is that we still keep doing it anyway.
So instead of repeating the problem for the seventy-leventh time,
here's a practical solution: Take careful note of anything
interesting that you happen to see or read during the day of the
date.
When you meet the person, casually begin conversation using the
topics you've already invested time in preparing to talk about.
Be observant and you'll find even more around you in the moment
to talk about...even as most people on first dates remain so
self-concerned that they forget to look.
Use the "banter" skills you've learned and keep the conversation
light.
When you start hearing "I've known you for ten minutes but it's
like we've know each other for years" then you know you are on the
right track.
3) You Don't Feel Like Being There
I've actually heard horror stories where someone's date actually
SAID this at the front end of the date.
That's practically tantamount to soft-core dating terrorism.
"Hello, A. I'm B. I really don't want to be here. No really, I
have better things to do."
You know, I'm beginning to think that flaking out on someone at the
last minute--or even flat-out standing them up--isn't as bad as it
gets.
4) Distractions
Can you put down the cell phone for however long the date is going
to last? Can you handle it?
Can you trust that the house isn't on fire?
Better yet, can you hold a conversation without spacing out
over whatever's happening (or potentially happening) elsewhere?
5) You're Mentally Detached
I'm going to dogpile "tired", "stressed", and "preoccupied" onto
this category. Dates that happen over lunch or at the end of a
work day are particularly prone to "compression sickness".
If you aren't completely present then you aren't all there.
At least that's what the other person is going to be forced into
assuming. This can even go so far as to creep someone out,
which we all know is the Thing That Must Never Happen.
6) You're Rushed
Yeah you may go so far as actually wanting to be on the date.
You may even have had a good night's sleep and a caffeine fix.
But if you are trying to shoehorn a planned 2-hour experience into
25 minutes because "something came up" then you're stacking the
deck against anything good coming from the date.
At least the ordeal is an abbreviated one, right?
7) Apathy Towards Appearance
Emily commented about this to me recently. She noticed, and I
agree, that people in general are much more cavalier about how they
dress and clean up than they used to be.
Maybe the "business casual" revolution has devolved into some sort
of "post-casual" debacle.
Sure, you don't want to telegraph some needy fixation on
"impressing" someone. But that's not at all related in concept to
making no effort to even look good.
8) Sex Focus
Objectifying a woman early and often invariably leads to an
indifferent response. And no, this isn't necessarily a purely male
phenomenon anymore (as if it really ever was).
Stop focusing on sexuality and start igniting femininity instead.
You will discover life-changing secrets to getting second dates.
If this doesn't make sense, send me an email.
Remember, once again all of this--as is usually the case around
here--comes down to deserving what you want.
Are you expecting to meet exciting people who you are actually
attracted to?
Instead of arriving for dates expecting to be "entertained", start
putting some focus on being excellent.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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